So over it; Ex friends, cute kids and ... Grown up topics.

I'm feeling a little better today. The night I posted my last entry I cried, and you know, now I'm not that upset about my "friend". I can think about her now without the extreme hate, now it's just a removed observance. It sure took long enough to get here, Lol.

I'm not going to be posting my weight for a while because I'm ashamed of it, so... Yeah.

So anyway, One of my actual friends just turned 23 a few days ago, her party was so fun, here were a few little babies there that we played with. ^.^ And for me (cause I'm not much of a baby person) there was a toddler who I just adored there to play with. I tell ya, some kids are too cute for their own good.

On that note, I'm thinking about buying a vibrator. -gasp- an adult content topic!! Don't like it then get out; I'm super cereal about that. ;) There's a few that I've been looking at, now I just need the money, Lol. They're pretty though, just saying. And unlike my sister I plan on cleaning it (ewwww) I know right? And she wonders why she gets UTI's. -shrug- Oh well, that's her deal. She's moved out and all that, I'm sure she'll figure it out eventually.

Hm, what else is there... Meh. Here, enjoy some thingspo.

Realization's such a bitch...

So I had this friend. This best friend.
All through out high school we were close-knit, you know? We used to like the same things, we did everything together even though we were so different looking. She was petite and pretty, with brown hair and blue eyes. I was this tall lardy thing with mud-blonde hair and pond water green eyes.
Despite that, we were friends.

Then her family switched Churches. She distanced herself little by little. She stopped role playing with me because she felt that it was taking away from her worship. I didn't make a big deal about it. I agreed and tol her if there was anything else I could do to help her out to let me know.

Then we couldn't listen to the same music anymore. My music was sinful. Then the TV shows. The the books. I had to constantly alter how I acted around her in order to be respectful to her family. Which I didn't mind. I have to do that all the time anyway, but whatever,

Then we graduated and she couldn't go anywhere with us anymore because it was usually on Saturday, which was her Sabbath. We all brushed that off and made other plans with her, which she would cancel again.

Then we turned 21 and drinking while she was with us made her uncomfortable, so we stopped doing that as well.

Then I started dating a mutual friend of ours. Colin. All of that drama is back near the beginning of this blog. Anyway, she stopped talking to me for a few months because she didn't like it. We got over that though kind of... But then our friend wanted me to change, so I dumped him. Amber stopped talking to me again off and on.

Then I told my ex a bunch of things in an email a year later when he felt like he could "stand to talk to me again". I have a strong feeling that he told my friend.

She ignored me again. I noticed that she got a boyfriend so I sent her a message saying congrats and asking where hey met and what his name was a stuff.

No reply.

Six months later, and formally EX'ed on her friendship scale, I find out she's engaged.

Ouch. Our most innocent friend is the first to get married. My BEST friend. well... my ex best friend.

She was engaged for about a month after she started dating him six months ago.

I looked at my computer date just now and realized... She got married yesterday. A small ceremony at her house for close friends and family only.

None of us got so much as an announcement.

They're going to Europe soon for their honeymoon.

I've never felt more useless and horrible as a human being as I do right now. I know it may seem trvial.
"Who cares? She seems mean or shallow or sheltered"
"Who cares? That's totally high school stuff."
"It's not a big deal"

It is to me. She used to be my best friend... And now I think I hate her.

So that's it. Amber got everything she ever wanted. She gets to live the happily ever after.

And I've gained back 15 pounds, have no job and the only relationships I've ever had have ended up disastrous. I can't look back at anything I've done in my life with fondness.

I'm only 22, I shouldn't want to give up on everything good in life already, but i feel like I already have.

And a side note, no I'm not suicidal. I love my family too much to hurt them like that. It just sucks. I feel like a bag of shit.