Good Bye

I've hit a kind of brick wall and realized... What am I doing to myself? This can't be healthy. What normal person eats 400 calories one day and 4000 the next? It's horrible. I've tried to go healthy before, but I think to truely get there, I need to get rid of my vices. So I'm going to delete this blog, My second facebook, my prettythin account and delete all of the thinspo from my computer. I just want to be normal, so I have to act normal.

This is my last post. I wish all of you well. Good bye.

So many repeats.

Hey. It's been a while since I've posted on here, truth be told I only just remembered it the other day. Which is just weird when you think about it considering how far down the shoot my eating habits have tumbled again.

I'm okay. Fat, but okay. I'm steadily losing weight again, probably only because this time I've given myself a time line. I only have until April, that's when my friend and I are going to the coast. I'm not going to visit the ocean and be mistaken for a beached whale. Already I've lost 6 pounds in about a week and a half. I'm hoping for another 15-20 pounds which should be okay, I still have over 7 weeks before we leave. I just need to keep this motivation up. I'm hopeful, this is the most consistent I've been in a long time so I'm confident that I'll reach that goal. =)

To help myself along, I took a picture in a shirt I've never been able to wear, and some cute jeans my sister gave me that are too small. I'm hoping soon I can retake the picture in the same clothes when they fit.

Behold, the horror.

I love people.. oops i lied

I admitted to my friend that I didn't believe in love. I was trying to open myself up, kinda have a heart to heart you know? So anyway, she asked me if I didn't think my mom loved me. I had to explain to her "No... love. Not parental love, I mean a love between two people. Like in the books and in the movies, where there's a someone for everyone.

She said "Sure there is..." then changed the subject back to her mother and her moms new boyfriend. -sigh- I guess I should have known better than to assume that particular friend could have given me some peace of mind.  I dunno...i feel so depressed.

update.

Well, things are... better. I'm not going to go into my depressing last post. fuck that noise.

I still wont say my weight, not yet anyway, but I will say that eight days ago I was seven pounds heavier than I am now. Here's how it went.

For the first two days I didn't eat anything.
The third day I ate, but I worked it off, I'm still counting it as breaking my fast though.
On the fourth day I only ate 200 calories
On day five I ate like... 1,000 calories. I worked about a fourth of it off.
The sixth I had 500 calories.
Yesterday I had about 800 calories, but I stretched it out over the entire day. I stopped eating at midnight and fell asleep at 3 am.
And today I'm had less than three hundred calories.

Today, I weighed myself after I ate at around 3:30 pm and saw that I went down in weight again. So far, it's going pretty good. When I lose three more pounds, I'll start posting my weight again so I wont have to see....THAT number x.x Expect that by next week at the latest.

Peace out.

The start of a long day.

So, I woke up today to the sounds of my parents arguing. It's what I usually wake up to, anyway. It was something about my brother now showing after he woke up (he has the worst B.O. ever) Dad wanted him to take one, mom wanted dad to quit "lowering his self esteem" or some other bull shit. I swear to God, she sticks up for that kid more than she needs to. She sees all these stories about bullied kids who kill themselves and is just SURE that if we talk bad about precious little David that he'll do something drastic. wtf ever.

But I digress.

Anyway, I woke up to that loveliness, then before my dad leaves, he makes sure to comment on how my mom doesn't have a job. She hasn't had one for like... 14 years now. (she says it's because no one hiring but she just stopped looking) So yeah, he throws that in there, then leaves. And I'm laying in bed thinking "He's talking about you too Bobbi. He thinks you're a freeloader, which you are"

It's not a pleasant thought, but I keep thinking it. I'm 23, no licence, no car insurance or tags for "my" car and no job. I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains, everything is too far away. So yeah, I'm living here, rent free, jobless, mooching off my parents like a parasite. You may be wondering "How the hell doesn't she have a licence?" Well, my mom never taught me to drive. She refuses to let people drive her around, she has major control issues. She didn't take me to get my permit until I was 19 after I got home from a 5 month job in Florida. But after I got my permit, she didn't let me drive more than maybe twice. I had to pay for an instructor to teach me how to drive in the city with the money I brought back from Florida, but I only had enough for one session. So yeah. I'm 23 now. Dad's gone all day so he can't help, "my" car isn't qualified to drive on the road. And my moms car doesn't have full coverage (so she says) so no one else but her and my dad can drive it. THAT is why my 18 year old sister and I are both without out licence.

Oh, speaking of my little sister? Her boyfriend is going to propose to her on Christmas. Just one more person I need to add to my growing list of people better than me.

Everyone I know is either married or has a child. And everyone I know either has a job or is going to school. I'm the only one who is none of the above. I'm what's wrong with society when you think about it. Hell, I don't even have health insurance, I have one tooth that needs a root canal and another that needs to be pulled. I haven't been to the Doctor in God knows how long. I've NEVER been to a gynecologist. I don't even qualify for that cheaper state covered shit, great huh?  It doesn't really matter in regard to everything else, but it still makes me feel like shit.

So yup. I laid here, in my bed for about an hour crying and picturing my suicide at least fifty different ways. Will I go through with it? No. Because on top of my long list of faults, I'm a coward as well as a "snob" a leech and a lazy hobo squatter.

So if anyone reads this, don't worry you didn't read a suicide letter, You just read the ramblings of another person in this world who never really mattered.

Plan of action

There's 14 days until the last Twilight premier. (no, i'm not going of my own free will. I got a free ticket and my friend is making me wait in line with her for 12 hours. I haven't seen her in months so why not? Lol) That's exactly two weeks to fit into one of the few pairs of jeans I own that are cute....  So, here's my plan, out in the open.

No food for two weeks. The longest I've gone was five days, and even then my appetite was gone and I only ate because of family circumstances. I should be able to lose at most 10 pounds by then. I can manage 5 pounds a week easy if I can keep my mouth shut.

Wish me luck.

ok that's all just an excuse >.> Truth is I need to give myself a reason so I don't feel horrible about not sticking to being healthy. But damn it, healthy leads to binging and I can't keep doing that. ARG

If it works...

Don't fix it...unfortunately  =/

I've spent the past six days or so trying something I haven't tried before. And so far it's working surprisingly well. I've been fasting every other day, and eating under 800 calories on the days in between. I've dropped five pounds so far so hey... whatever.

I guess you could say that I've been in a kind of a funk. Winter's coming and all of my jeans were given to me by my little sister over the summer. They're all too small so I need to lose the weight before it gets too cold for shorts. All I have to do is stick to this. =/