I've hit a kind of brick wall and realized... What am I doing to myself? This can't be healthy. What normal person eats 400 calories one day and 4000 the next? It's horrible. I've tried to go healthy before, but I think to truely get there, I need to get rid of my vices. So I'm going to delete this blog, My second facebook, my prettythin account and delete all of the thinspo from my computer. I just want to be normal, so I have to act normal.
This is my last post. I wish all of you well. Good bye.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
So many repeats.
Hey. It's been a while since I've posted on here, truth be told I only just remembered it the other day. Which is just weird when you think about it considering how far down the shoot my eating habits have tumbled again.
I'm okay. Fat, but okay. I'm steadily losing weight again, probably only because this time I've given myself a time line. I only have until April, that's when my friend and I are going to the coast. I'm not going to visit the ocean and be mistaken for a beached whale. Already I've lost 6 pounds in about a week and a half. I'm hoping for another 15-20 pounds which should be okay, I still have over 7 weeks before we leave. I just need to keep this motivation up. I'm hopeful, this is the most consistent I've been in a long time so I'm confident that I'll reach that goal. =)
To help myself along, I took a picture in a shirt I've never been able to wear, and some cute jeans my sister gave me that are too small. I'm hoping soon I can retake the picture in the same clothes when they fit.
Behold, the horror.
I'm okay. Fat, but okay. I'm steadily losing weight again, probably only because this time I've given myself a time line. I only have until April, that's when my friend and I are going to the coast. I'm not going to visit the ocean and be mistaken for a beached whale. Already I've lost 6 pounds in about a week and a half. I'm hoping for another 15-20 pounds which should be okay, I still have over 7 weeks before we leave. I just need to keep this motivation up. I'm hopeful, this is the most consistent I've been in a long time so I'm confident that I'll reach that goal. =)
To help myself along, I took a picture in a shirt I've never been able to wear, and some cute jeans my sister gave me that are too small. I'm hoping soon I can retake the picture in the same clothes when they fit.
Behold, the horror.
Friday, November 16, 2012
I love people.. oops i lied
I admitted to my friend that I didn't believe in love. I was trying to open myself up, kinda have a heart to heart you know? So anyway, she asked me if I didn't think my mom loved me. I had to explain to her "No... love. Not parental love, I mean a love between two people. Like in the books and in the movies, where there's a someone for everyone.
She said "Sure there is..." then changed the subject back to her mother and her moms new boyfriend. -sigh- I guess I should have known better than to assume that particular friend could have given me some peace of mind. I dunno...i feel so depressed.
She said "Sure there is..." then changed the subject back to her mother and her moms new boyfriend. -sigh- I guess I should have known better than to assume that particular friend could have given me some peace of mind. I dunno...i feel so depressed.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
update.
Well, things are... better. I'm not going to go into my depressing last post. fuck that noise.
I still wont say my weight, not yet anyway, but I will say that eight days ago I was seven pounds heavier than I am now. Here's how it went.
For the first two days I didn't eat anything.
The third day I ate, but I worked it off, I'm still counting it as breaking my fast though.
On the fourth day I only ate 200 calories
On day five I ate like... 1,000 calories. I worked about a fourth of it off.
The sixth I had 500 calories.
Yesterday I had about 800 calories, but I stretched it out over the entire day. I stopped eating at midnight and fell asleep at 3 am.
And today I'm had less than three hundred calories.
Today, I weighed myself after I ate at around 3:30 pm and saw that I went down in weight again. So far, it's going pretty good. When I lose three more pounds, I'll start posting my weight again so I wont have to see....THAT number x.x Expect that by next week at the latest.
Peace out.
I still wont say my weight, not yet anyway, but I will say that eight days ago I was seven pounds heavier than I am now. Here's how it went.
For the first two days I didn't eat anything.
The third day I ate, but I worked it off, I'm still counting it as breaking my fast though.
On the fourth day I only ate 200 calories
On day five I ate like... 1,000 calories. I worked about a fourth of it off.
The sixth I had 500 calories.
Yesterday I had about 800 calories, but I stretched it out over the entire day. I stopped eating at midnight and fell asleep at 3 am.
And today I'm had less than three hundred calories.
Today, I weighed myself after I ate at around 3:30 pm and saw that I went down in weight again. So far, it's going pretty good. When I lose three more pounds, I'll start posting my weight again so I wont have to see....THAT number x.x Expect that by next week at the latest.
Peace out.
Friday, November 9, 2012
The start of a long day.
So, I woke up today to the sounds of my parents arguing. It's what I usually wake up to, anyway. It was something about my brother now showing after he woke up (he has the worst B.O. ever) Dad wanted him to take one, mom wanted dad to quit "lowering his self esteem" or some other bull shit. I swear to God, she sticks up for that kid more than she needs to. She sees all these stories about bullied kids who kill themselves and is just SURE that if we talk bad about precious little David that he'll do something drastic. wtf ever.
But I digress.
Anyway, I woke up to that loveliness, then before my dad leaves, he makes sure to comment on how my mom doesn't have a job. She hasn't had one for like... 14 years now. (she says it's because no one hiring but she just stopped looking) So yeah, he throws that in there, then leaves. And I'm laying in bed thinking "He's talking about you too Bobbi. He thinks you're a freeloader, which you are"
It's not a pleasant thought, but I keep thinking it. I'm 23, no licence, no car insurance or tags for "my" car and no job. I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains, everything is too far away. So yeah, I'm living here, rent free, jobless, mooching off my parents like a parasite. You may be wondering "How the hell doesn't she have a licence?" Well, my mom never taught me to drive. She refuses to let people drive her around, she has major control issues. She didn't take me to get my permit until I was 19 after I got home from a 5 month job in Florida. But after I got my permit, she didn't let me drive more than maybe twice. I had to pay for an instructor to teach me how to drive in the city with the money I brought back from Florida, but I only had enough for one session. So yeah. I'm 23 now. Dad's gone all day so he can't help, "my" car isn't qualified to drive on the road. And my moms car doesn't have full coverage (so she says) so no one else but her and my dad can drive it. THAT is why my 18 year old sister and I are both without out licence.
Oh, speaking of my little sister? Her boyfriend is going to propose to her on Christmas. Just one more person I need to add to my growing list of people better than me.
Everyone I know is either married or has a child. And everyone I know either has a job or is going to school. I'm the only one who is none of the above. I'm what's wrong with society when you think about it. Hell, I don't even have health insurance, I have one tooth that needs a root canal and another that needs to be pulled. I haven't been to the Doctor in God knows how long. I've NEVER been to a gynecologist. I don't even qualify for that cheaper state covered shit, great huh? It doesn't really matter in regard to everything else, but it still makes me feel like shit.
So yup. I laid here, in my bed for about an hour crying and picturing my suicide at least fifty different ways. Will I go through with it? No. Because on top of my long list of faults, I'm a coward as well as a "snob" a leech and a lazy hobo squatter.
So if anyone reads this, don't worry you didn't read a suicide letter, You just read the ramblings of another person in this world who never really mattered.
But I digress.
Anyway, I woke up to that loveliness, then before my dad leaves, he makes sure to comment on how my mom doesn't have a job. She hasn't had one for like... 14 years now. (she says it's because no one hiring but she just stopped looking) So yeah, he throws that in there, then leaves. And I'm laying in bed thinking "He's talking about you too Bobbi. He thinks you're a freeloader, which you are"
It's not a pleasant thought, but I keep thinking it. I'm 23, no licence, no car insurance or tags for "my" car and no job. I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains, everything is too far away. So yeah, I'm living here, rent free, jobless, mooching off my parents like a parasite. You may be wondering "How the hell doesn't she have a licence?" Well, my mom never taught me to drive. She refuses to let people drive her around, she has major control issues. She didn't take me to get my permit until I was 19 after I got home from a 5 month job in Florida. But after I got my permit, she didn't let me drive more than maybe twice. I had to pay for an instructor to teach me how to drive in the city with the money I brought back from Florida, but I only had enough for one session. So yeah. I'm 23 now. Dad's gone all day so he can't help, "my" car isn't qualified to drive on the road. And my moms car doesn't have full coverage (so she says) so no one else but her and my dad can drive it. THAT is why my 18 year old sister and I are both without out licence.
Oh, speaking of my little sister? Her boyfriend is going to propose to her on Christmas. Just one more person I need to add to my growing list of people better than me.
Everyone I know is either married or has a child. And everyone I know either has a job or is going to school. I'm the only one who is none of the above. I'm what's wrong with society when you think about it. Hell, I don't even have health insurance, I have one tooth that needs a root canal and another that needs to be pulled. I haven't been to the Doctor in God knows how long. I've NEVER been to a gynecologist. I don't even qualify for that cheaper state covered shit, great huh? It doesn't really matter in regard to everything else, but it still makes me feel like shit.
So yup. I laid here, in my bed for about an hour crying and picturing my suicide at least fifty different ways. Will I go through with it? No. Because on top of my long list of faults, I'm a coward as well as a "snob" a leech and a lazy hobo squatter.
So if anyone reads this, don't worry you didn't read a suicide letter, You just read the ramblings of another person in this world who never really mattered.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Plan of action
There's 14 days until the last Twilight premier. (no, i'm not going of my own free will. I got a free ticket and my friend is making me wait in line with her for 12 hours. I haven't seen her in months so why not? Lol) That's exactly two weeks to fit into one of the few pairs of jeans I own that are cute.... So, here's my plan, out in the open.
No food for two weeks. The longest I've gone was five days, and even then my appetite was gone and I only ate because of family circumstances. I should be able to lose at most 10 pounds by then. I can manage 5 pounds a week easy if I can keep my mouth shut.
Wish me luck.
ok that's all just an excuse >.> Truth is I need to give myself a reason so I don't feel horrible about not sticking to being healthy. But damn it, healthy leads to binging and I can't keep doing that. ARG
No food for two weeks. The longest I've gone was five days, and even then my appetite was gone and I only ate because of family circumstances. I should be able to lose at most 10 pounds by then. I can manage 5 pounds a week easy if I can keep my mouth shut.
Wish me luck.
ok that's all just an excuse >.> Truth is I need to give myself a reason so I don't feel horrible about not sticking to being healthy. But damn it, healthy leads to binging and I can't keep doing that. ARG
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
If it works...
Don't fix it...unfortunately =/
I've spent the past six days or so trying something I haven't tried before. And so far it's working surprisingly well. I've been fasting every other day, and eating under 800 calories on the days in between. I've dropped five pounds so far so hey... whatever.
I guess you could say that I've been in a kind of a funk. Winter's coming and all of my jeans were given to me by my little sister over the summer. They're all too small so I need to lose the weight before it gets too cold for shorts. All I have to do is stick to this. =/
I've spent the past six days or so trying something I haven't tried before. And so far it's working surprisingly well. I've been fasting every other day, and eating under 800 calories on the days in between. I've dropped five pounds so far so hey... whatever.
I guess you could say that I've been in a kind of a funk. Winter's coming and all of my jeans were given to me by my little sister over the summer. They're all too small so I need to lose the weight before it gets too cold for shorts. All I have to do is stick to this. =/
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
ednos blows
So hey guys. Do you ever remember a time when things just weren't going your way? like, you were trying to change them, and it didn't work. But then slowly, over time, it became the way you wanted it and you were happy?
Well I don't. Because it hasn't fucking happened yet.
Fuck. I have NEVER felt this conflicted in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and to not restrict to lose weight, because it seriously fucked me up. At night, I'll lay in bed thinking "Hey, I'll fast for a few days" Then I wake up and I'm life "Nah, fasting isn't healthy. Tie to just eat right!" But then through the day I've only had 1,000 calories an I end up feeling guilty for fucking eating.
What normal person feels guilty for doing something nessassary for survival? Fuck....this is fucked.
fuck fuck fuck....cussing helps me feel better, deal with it.
Okay so... -deep breath- Let's think about this. I, in my youthful exuberence, thought "I'll starve for a bit to lose weight then stop. It's only girls with anorexia who don't stop"
Then I lost 45 pounds and was like "Hey, that was easy. I'll lose ten more"
then BAM 20 pound weight gain for the chubber!! Then, on top of starving, I ate because I felt guilty for gaining weight and it was only THEN that I realized how fucked I was.
Underweight girls are "Anorexic"
Normal weight girls who vomit are "Bulimic"
Overweight girls who eat a lot are "Binge Eaters"
...then there's girls like me. A mixture of two or three of those things at a time. A girl too fat to me anorexic. Who doesn't vomit enough to be bulimic, and who restricts too many days out of the month to be a binge eater.
I knew a long time ago ehat I was just classifies as EDNOS "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" But it took a while (aka just recently) For me to really grasp how deep that goes. It doesn't mean I'm separate from those girls. That I'm different from them.
I AM THEM. And it fucking sucks. Normal girls don't think 1000 calories is a binge. Normal girls don't burn 200 calories and STILL think 800 calories is too much.
This was just a rant guys, sorry. It just...bugs me. I'm in a hole and I can't get out even if I pretend otherwise.
Well I don't. Because it hasn't fucking happened yet.
Fuck. I have NEVER felt this conflicted in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and to not restrict to lose weight, because it seriously fucked me up. At night, I'll lay in bed thinking "Hey, I'll fast for a few days" Then I wake up and I'm life "Nah, fasting isn't healthy. Tie to just eat right!" But then through the day I've only had 1,000 calories an I end up feeling guilty for fucking eating.
What normal person feels guilty for doing something nessassary for survival? Fuck....this is fucked.
fuck fuck fuck....cussing helps me feel better, deal with it.
Okay so... -deep breath- Let's think about this. I, in my youthful exuberence, thought "I'll starve for a bit to lose weight then stop. It's only girls with anorexia who don't stop"
Then I lost 45 pounds and was like "Hey, that was easy. I'll lose ten more"
then BAM 20 pound weight gain for the chubber!! Then, on top of starving, I ate because I felt guilty for gaining weight and it was only THEN that I realized how fucked I was.
Underweight girls are "Anorexic"
Normal weight girls who vomit are "Bulimic"
Overweight girls who eat a lot are "Binge Eaters"
...then there's girls like me. A mixture of two or three of those things at a time. A girl too fat to me anorexic. Who doesn't vomit enough to be bulimic, and who restricts too many days out of the month to be a binge eater.
I knew a long time ago ehat I was just classifies as EDNOS "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" But it took a while (aka just recently) For me to really grasp how deep that goes. It doesn't mean I'm separate from those girls. That I'm different from them.
I AM THEM. And it fucking sucks. Normal girls don't think 1000 calories is a binge. Normal girls don't burn 200 calories and STILL think 800 calories is too much.
This was just a rant guys, sorry. It just...bugs me. I'm in a hole and I can't get out even if I pretend otherwise.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Been a while
Hey lovelies. Let's just straight back into business shall we?
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, shame on me, I know. Still, 4,027 page views, holy fuck who is reading this shit?! LOL They may not have commented on anything, but people keep looking at my stuff. Interesting. Oh well who cares, hello.
Anyway, like I said, straight to business. I've fallen off the band wagon, oops? I can't even be mad at myself because it seems so normal. Trying to eat healthy was what felt weird. I felt like a cow. And although I didn't gain from it, I sure felt like I did.
A week or two ago I'd fasted for three days, which I've done before so it's pretty easy. Then I've been restricting. Maybe fast for a day, then more restricting.no a good idea. i know
(yes, i know, not a healthy mindset at all)
I get kind of sad sometimes when I watch other people. I've had to put my little brother on a diet. He's 15 and 215 pounds....yeah he's big. His tits are as big as mine. ANYWAY he's got a limit of 2,000 calories. Isn't that sad? 2,000 is a restriction for this kid cause he eats SO freaking much. To me, I was trying to eat 1,500 to 2,000 calories and I hated myself for it every day. Even though that's how normal people eat, ugh, hate it.
Kinda wish I could go back in time and make sure that I don't go down this road, but then I wouldn't have gotten any of the good habits I've picked up. Smaller plates, almond milk, vegetarian meats, not over eating on the junk food. I was 200 lbs when I started, I'd probably be 220 by now. So yeah...anyway. Enough for now
Love you all, later
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, shame on me, I know. Still, 4,027 page views, holy fuck who is reading this shit?! LOL They may not have commented on anything, but people keep looking at my stuff. Interesting. Oh well who cares, hello.
Anyway, like I said, straight to business. I've fallen off the band wagon, oops? I can't even be mad at myself because it seems so normal. Trying to eat healthy was what felt weird. I felt like a cow. And although I didn't gain from it, I sure felt like I did.
A week or two ago I'd fasted for three days, which I've done before so it's pretty easy. Then I've been restricting. Maybe fast for a day, then more restricting.no a good idea. i know
(yes, i know, not a healthy mindset at all)
I get kind of sad sometimes when I watch other people. I've had to put my little brother on a diet. He's 15 and 215 pounds....yeah he's big. His tits are as big as mine. ANYWAY he's got a limit of 2,000 calories. Isn't that sad? 2,000 is a restriction for this kid cause he eats SO freaking much. To me, I was trying to eat 1,500 to 2,000 calories and I hated myself for it every day. Even though that's how normal people eat, ugh, hate it.
Kinda wish I could go back in time and make sure that I don't go down this road, but then I wouldn't have gotten any of the good habits I've picked up. Smaller plates, almond milk, vegetarian meats, not over eating on the junk food. I was 200 lbs when I started, I'd probably be 220 by now. So yeah...anyway. Enough for now
Love you all, later
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Good times
I've breached the 160's again, finally. I wasn't kidding when I said
that I'd gained more weight. I went from 155 to 175. -shudder- I can't
believe I gained that much back. Oh well. I'm so happy. It's just that
much closer to getting back to where I was before.
Also. I found this and thought it fit pretty well, mostly. Lol
Also. I found this and thought it fit pretty well, mostly. Lol
Friday, July 27, 2012
Ice pops are for winners
I knew about them, Mmm they really hit the spot. My brother get's a certain kind that say 0 calorie. I don't trust that so I stick them at 5 calories each since...
-adjusts non existent glasses fr history lesson-
The FDA allows manufactures to label food items as 0 calories if said food items are less than 5 calories.So the 0 calorie 20 pack of gum could actually be 100 calories! BOOO FDA SUCKS!!!!
okay then. Yes, I love ice pops, they're so yummy. Props to Vampire <3
-adjusts non existent glasses fr history lesson-
The FDA allows manufactures to label food items as 0 calories if said food items are less than 5 calories.So the 0 calorie 20 pack of gum could actually be 100 calories! BOOO FDA SUCKS!!!!
okay then. Yes, I love ice pops, they're so yummy. Props to Vampire <3
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Cutie
Oh Vampire. you make me smile. ^.^ I'm kind of scared of it too, in a sense. I think it's mostly because I'm a virgin though. I dunno.
I don't find the book scary though. -evil grin-
Oh so let's see here. Today's a good day I think. I had some soup earlier. And I'm drinking some chai geen tea with honey. Mmmmmm. I'm getting a little hungry though now so I don't know what to eat. I'm at like 300 calories so I have quite a big to go for today to be a healthy day. -rubs chin-
I mean, I've eaten like... all the frozen fruit we have. I don't feel like making a salad. Maybe I'll make some muffins?......Actually that sounds kind of good.
BAKING TIME!!!
I don't find the book scary though. -evil grin-
Oh so let's see here. Today's a good day I think. I had some soup earlier. And I'm drinking some chai geen tea with honey. Mmmmmm. I'm getting a little hungry though now so I don't know what to eat. I'm at like 300 calories so I have quite a big to go for today to be a healthy day. -rubs chin-
I mean, I've eaten like... all the frozen fruit we have. I don't feel like making a salad. Maybe I'll make some muffins?......Actually that sounds kind of good.
BAKING TIME!!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sooooo..... heeheehee
Okay... Let's get this out of the way. I havent gained weight. I've been a good girl. I'm happy...mostly. So on and so forth.
Onward to the main topic!
Fifty Shades of Grey! Have you read it? No... READ IT. Oh my freaking God. That is the single most erotic book I've read in my life and I' only half way finished with it.
Let me give you a little run down of it so far.
Rich bossy guy.
Attraction
flirtation
sex contract
sex room (with lots and lots of toys)
Dom/Sub contract
Lots of sex
spanking
and that's where I am right now, haha.
Yeah... It's pretty great. Damn... This virgin thing really sucks. Lol! Oh well. I can day dream for now. So yeah, that's what I wanted to spot about. This book... yeah. It's got me all giddy. And there's two more books after it.
AND they want to turn it into a movie... yes please PLEASE!!!
Onward to the main topic!
Fifty Shades of Grey! Have you read it? No... READ IT. Oh my freaking God. That is the single most erotic book I've read in my life and I' only half way finished with it.
Let me give you a little run down of it so far.
Rich bossy guy.
Attraction
flirtation
sex contract
sex room (with lots and lots of toys)
Dom/Sub contract
Lots of sex
spanking
and that's where I am right now, haha.
Yeah... It's pretty great. Damn... This virgin thing really sucks. Lol! Oh well. I can day dream for now. So yeah, that's what I wanted to spot about. This book... yeah. It's got me all giddy. And there's two more books after it.
AND they want to turn it into a movie... yes please PLEASE!!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Post # 100 =)
Hi everyone! (or hi two people, judging from how many people I actually think read these) Well, it's my 100th post. How crazy!! I went back and reread everything I've written. Sheesh, it's been that long ago since I started this blog? I'm getting old.
Well, let's have a 100th post recap. ^.^ My sister is not a whore, and I'm sorry for ever even thinking that. Yeah, she was getting it on with her boyfriend in our bedroom, but he's the only guy she's even been with and they've been living together at his moms house for 6 months! So far, so good. I'm happy that it's working out because her boyfriend is a good guy.
Amber still sucks... moving on.
I'm still Pagan. (and i still love Christians, Lol) It's working out great and, in that aspect anyway, I'm happy.
My brother.... ugh. He's 14 now, almost 15 (kill me) and I finally agreed t help him eat healthier. Here's the kicker, he refuses to eat vegetables. yay.
Also, he got on the scale today. He's 215 pounds. O.O A 14 year old boy should not weigh that much.
So... yeah. I'm going to be keeping an eye on him. I laid down guide lines.
-No soda
-no chips
-no top ramen (he crunches it up and eats it raw like a snack, then makes a bowl of it in soup form to eat. That's around 800 calories by itself!)
-he's not allowed to take the golf cart to the neighbors anymore. He now has to walk.
I'm putting him at a 2000 calorie thing right now, since he's still growing and all. That's how much he needs. But I'm going to make sure the foods he gets it from are healthier than junk. That alone will help him.
Now, to the main event!..... I made a booboo. -_-;; Now... I didn't go over 2000 calories, BUUUUT I ate an entire bag of hot cheetos yesterday. (ducks from boo's and thrown rotten fruit) I'm sorry I'm sorry!! Even though I didn't go over 2000 (which is still over my limit, but that's the total cap I've given myself in case I make a booboo) But a whole bag of hot cheetos is HORRIBLE to eat I know. The fridge is stocked with fruits and vegetables... we even have a whole pineapple! Why didn't I eat healthier?
-rubs head- But, I got up from my pit of shame and dusted myself off. Today I've done a LOT better and I'm going to ignore yesterday and try not to make it happen again.
So... Yeah. Yay me! Lol
Well, let's have a 100th post recap. ^.^ My sister is not a whore, and I'm sorry for ever even thinking that. Yeah, she was getting it on with her boyfriend in our bedroom, but he's the only guy she's even been with and they've been living together at his moms house for 6 months! So far, so good. I'm happy that it's working out because her boyfriend is a good guy.
Amber still sucks... moving on.
I'm still Pagan. (and i still love Christians, Lol) It's working out great and, in that aspect anyway, I'm happy.
My brother.... ugh. He's 14 now, almost 15 (kill me) and I finally agreed t help him eat healthier. Here's the kicker, he refuses to eat vegetables. yay.
Also, he got on the scale today. He's 215 pounds. O.O A 14 year old boy should not weigh that much.
So... yeah. I'm going to be keeping an eye on him. I laid down guide lines.
-No soda
-no chips
-no top ramen (he crunches it up and eats it raw like a snack, then makes a bowl of it in soup form to eat. That's around 800 calories by itself!)
-he's not allowed to take the golf cart to the neighbors anymore. He now has to walk.
I'm putting him at a 2000 calorie thing right now, since he's still growing and all. That's how much he needs. But I'm going to make sure the foods he gets it from are healthier than junk. That alone will help him.
Now, to the main event!..... I made a booboo. -_-;; Now... I didn't go over 2000 calories, BUUUUT I ate an entire bag of hot cheetos yesterday. (ducks from boo's and thrown rotten fruit) I'm sorry I'm sorry!! Even though I didn't go over 2000 (which is still over my limit, but that's the total cap I've given myself in case I make a booboo) But a whole bag of hot cheetos is HORRIBLE to eat I know. The fridge is stocked with fruits and vegetables... we even have a whole pineapple! Why didn't I eat healthier?
-rubs head- But, I got up from my pit of shame and dusted myself off. Today I've done a LOT better and I'm going to ignore yesterday and try not to make it happen again.
So... Yeah. Yay me! Lol
Friday, June 22, 2012
Setbacks
Years ago, when i began over eating, then just a few years ago with it drastically flipped to hardly eating anything, I never really thought about the difficulties in...being normal again.
I would watch dozens of eating disorder / diet / obesity / and food documentaries online, and there was always someone who was trying to recover from their personal eating issues. I would think, pft. Come on, get over it already. You want to be healthy, so be healthy. Can't be that hard you know? Now that I'm living it, I totally get it. Binge eating, restricting, it's not something you can just vanquish over night.
Yesterday I ate so much that I didn't bother adding it all into the My Fitness Pal account I made. I don't even have friends on it, but I just didn't want to see the evidence. It was really bad after everyone went to sleep. Or did it? I don't even remember the calorie amount, because of how messed up my sense of normalcy is, It probably was just 2000 calories. That's NORMAL. But then again, it could have been 3 or 4000, I didn't count.
But that was yesterday. I'm over it. Decided to start new today and just put that behind me. Well fuck my life because it's 5:15 pm (17:15) and I've only had less than 250 calories. Around noon i had a bowl of cereal. That was it.
So yeah.. I'm starting to realize that keeping your mindset focused on "healthy" is really hard when you've dealt with such a warped sense of self for so long. I'm going to go find something to eat right now... then have dinner in a few hours. Since I stay up till 3 AM usually, I'll eat something else around 10 tonight too. Maybe that'll make up the calorie difference.
I would watch dozens of eating disorder / diet / obesity / and food documentaries online, and there was always someone who was trying to recover from their personal eating issues. I would think, pft. Come on, get over it already. You want to be healthy, so be healthy. Can't be that hard you know? Now that I'm living it, I totally get it. Binge eating, restricting, it's not something you can just vanquish over night.
Yesterday I ate so much that I didn't bother adding it all into the My Fitness Pal account I made. I don't even have friends on it, but I just didn't want to see the evidence. It was really bad after everyone went to sleep. Or did it? I don't even remember the calorie amount, because of how messed up my sense of normalcy is, It probably was just 2000 calories. That's NORMAL. But then again, it could have been 3 or 4000, I didn't count.
But that was yesterday. I'm over it. Decided to start new today and just put that behind me. Well fuck my life because it's 5:15 pm (17:15) and I've only had less than 250 calories. Around noon i had a bowl of cereal. That was it.
So yeah.. I'm starting to realize that keeping your mindset focused on "healthy" is really hard when you've dealt with such a warped sense of self for so long. I'm going to go find something to eat right now... then have dinner in a few hours. Since I stay up till 3 AM usually, I'll eat something else around 10 tonight too. Maybe that'll make up the calorie difference.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Unusual complications
=) Thank you vampire. You're such a sweetheart I swear. <3
I'm feeling a lot better now. Family, bah. Who needs them... Well... i do Lol! But not that side of the family.
I took another big step today. I deleted my myfitnesspal account. I'd had it for a long time and it was set with a max of 800 calories on it. Also, I had a lot of my ED friends on it so it didn't seem... right to keep it any more.
SO I made a new one! xD I'm all alone on it right now, but that's okay. I entered my information, set healthy realistic goals and there ya go. There's a downside though... I ate three times today and it still says I have over 1000 calories left to eat. O.O
This is gonna be hard, that's SO much food, omg!!!
Maybe I'll have a second dinner later on and have a veggie wrap with fruit on the side, that sounds really good...
But it's also like... only 400 calories for all of it. -hangs head- I'm not under eating, I swear, But.. just... holy crap dude. xD I'm going to need to eat double what I usually do......
Huh... could it be the only reason I was maintaining/gaining was because I was binging? I would say fasting did it too, but I never gained after a fast, I only gained like a week later because I ended up eating a billion pounds of food when everyone was sleeping. -rubs head- This is so weird...
Maybe I shouldn't work out? Well.. no because I want to tone up. Murr... so difficult, seriously. Okay. I'll have a veggie wrap, fruit and some soup! ... That's got to be at least 600 calories, right?
>.> -pouts- This is hard... I can't even tell when I'm hungry because of how I screwed myself up. Okay, but wait!.... It's not that bad. At least I'm eating. Better to struggle to eat to much than struggle to eat at all. Maybe later I'll have some hotcocoa too and a fruit smoothie or something!! ^.^ So far... I think today's okay. =) Yes, I do.
I'm feeling a lot better now. Family, bah. Who needs them... Well... i do Lol! But not that side of the family.
I took another big step today. I deleted my myfitnesspal account. I'd had it for a long time and it was set with a max of 800 calories on it. Also, I had a lot of my ED friends on it so it didn't seem... right to keep it any more.
SO I made a new one! xD I'm all alone on it right now, but that's okay. I entered my information, set healthy realistic goals and there ya go. There's a downside though... I ate three times today and it still says I have over 1000 calories left to eat. O.O
This is gonna be hard, that's SO much food, omg!!!
Maybe I'll have a second dinner later on and have a veggie wrap with fruit on the side, that sounds really good...
But it's also like... only 400 calories for all of it. -hangs head- I'm not under eating, I swear, But.. just... holy crap dude. xD I'm going to need to eat double what I usually do......
Huh... could it be the only reason I was maintaining/gaining was because I was binging? I would say fasting did it too, but I never gained after a fast, I only gained like a week later because I ended up eating a billion pounds of food when everyone was sleeping. -rubs head- This is so weird...
Maybe I shouldn't work out? Well.. no because I want to tone up. Murr... so difficult, seriously. Okay. I'll have a veggie wrap, fruit and some soup! ... That's got to be at least 600 calories, right?
>.> -pouts- This is hard... I can't even tell when I'm hungry because of how I screwed myself up. Okay, but wait!.... It's not that bad. At least I'm eating. Better to struggle to eat to much than struggle to eat at all. Maybe later I'll have some hotcocoa too and a fruit smoothie or something!! ^.^ So far... I think today's okay. =) Yes, I do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
:(
So, everyone on my dads side of the family forgot my birthday. Everyone. Not even a "Happy Birthday" on face book. It was a week ago. June 10th. On June 9th, I was over at my grandma's for my sisters graduation party. (keep this in mind)
Today, we went next door to my grandmas again for fathers day, to give grandpa a present and stuff. I walked in with my dress I got from mom for my birthday and some lady I don't even know goes "Nice coverup"
So I said "Thank you. Mom got it for my for my birthday." i was thinking. Hey, maybe if I casually bring it up, they'll remember and say "Oh, happy birthday!" No. Not one person out of the 12 people in the room said anything to me. Okay. Find what the fuck ever.
Apparently, between the time I left the room and was about to leave the house, dad told her that I thought she forgot my birthday. -rubs head- Dad, I know you meant well, but I wish you hadn't told her. I really really wish you hadn't.
I go to leave the house and my grandma stops me and in this really sad "poor you" tone says "I didn't forget your birthday hon. I didn't." She leads me back to her closet and gives me this pair of shoes that she bought for herself but her feet swell, so she can't wear them. They're like flip flops...but with a velcro strap on the top. -.-;; 3 year old shoes that she bought for herself. Thanks.
Then she takes my hand and goes "i got you a card a month and a half ago, but you're never here! I can't give it to you! And I put a twenty in it, but I had to take it out this morning because your dad didn't have any money."
... Um.... what?
Remember grandma? I was at your house the day before my birthday... for like 6 hours.
ALSO. She lied. Because I saw her rummaging around in the office in her "card" stash for a birthday card to sign and give me. Bull shit she bought it a month ago.
AND ALSO AGAIN, she insulted my dad, big time. The tone she had made it sound like "Again. he didn't have money again"
So not only did she forget my birthday, she lied about it and tried to make me feel like it was my fault for never visiting her that she felt bad. Dude, just admit that you forgot. It's freaking fine. I don't give a shit, everyone else forgot too!
Oh, except my nana...who lives four hours away. She remembered. And people from the east coast. They all remembered too. But it's fine for someone who lives next door to me. And people who live just a town away.
Sorry. I just had to rant. It may seem petty and stupid.. but it's not about the birthday. This is 23 years of shit spewing out. I don't even know why it still surprises me. -sigh-
Today, we went next door to my grandmas again for fathers day, to give grandpa a present and stuff. I walked in with my dress I got from mom for my birthday and some lady I don't even know goes "Nice coverup"
So I said "Thank you. Mom got it for my for my birthday." i was thinking. Hey, maybe if I casually bring it up, they'll remember and say "Oh, happy birthday!" No. Not one person out of the 12 people in the room said anything to me. Okay. Find what the fuck ever.
Apparently, between the time I left the room and was about to leave the house, dad told her that I thought she forgot my birthday. -rubs head- Dad, I know you meant well, but I wish you hadn't told her. I really really wish you hadn't.
I go to leave the house and my grandma stops me and in this really sad "poor you" tone says "I didn't forget your birthday hon. I didn't." She leads me back to her closet and gives me this pair of shoes that she bought for herself but her feet swell, so she can't wear them. They're like flip flops...but with a velcro strap on the top. -.-;; 3 year old shoes that she bought for herself. Thanks.
Then she takes my hand and goes "i got you a card a month and a half ago, but you're never here! I can't give it to you! And I put a twenty in it, but I had to take it out this morning because your dad didn't have any money."
... Um.... what?
Remember grandma? I was at your house the day before my birthday... for like 6 hours.
ALSO. She lied. Because I saw her rummaging around in the office in her "card" stash for a birthday card to sign and give me. Bull shit she bought it a month ago.
AND ALSO AGAIN, she insulted my dad, big time. The tone she had made it sound like "Again. he didn't have money again"
So not only did she forget my birthday, she lied about it and tried to make me feel like it was my fault for never visiting her that she felt bad. Dude, just admit that you forgot. It's freaking fine. I don't give a shit, everyone else forgot too!
Oh, except my nana...who lives four hours away. She remembered. And people from the east coast. They all remembered too. But it's fine for someone who lives next door to me. And people who live just a town away.
Sorry. I just had to rant. It may seem petty and stupid.. but it's not about the birthday. This is 23 years of shit spewing out. I don't even know why it still surprises me. -sigh-
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Dont worry 'bout a thing...
Hm... Well, my birthday was a few days ago. My grandparents forgot and have yet to even tell me "happy birthday" Oh well, it's not that big a deal. The people who mattered were the ones who bothered to know. =) I got this pretty dress that doubles as a skirt, which I love. Hippy skirt, yay!
My sister got me.... a er.... uh.... It's a trojan product. Lol. No not a condom... Well it came with one.. but I gave it away and kept the main gift int the box. Lol! okay fine, I'll say what it is. -shifty eyes- That vibrating touch thing. It feels SOOO weird to be honest. xD It's the first thing like that I've ever had so it's like... whoa. But after te first time I got the hang of it.
Works great btw.
I haven't been binging, YAY!!! Nore have I been restricting. I've been staying between 1,200 and 2000 calories a day, depending on how much walking around and working out I do. Tons of fruit, oodles of veg. I haven't eaten anything that was cooked in grease either so all in all, it's just a good day.
The only downfall... well no. I guess it's not even a downfall really. 200 calories worth of chips. Meh. that used to be HORRIBLE. 200 calories of ANYTHING was enough to make me want to curl up and die. Now i'm trying to look at it realistically. Pft. that's nothing really.
The good thing is that I can't drink any sodas but diet. They taste HORRIBLE now. All bitter an grainy.
In a ways this is bad too though, aspartame is poison, big time. -sigh- I wish carbonated water wasn't disgusting. I'd have it made then. Sometimes I just want something fizzy.
>.> it sucks.
Oh well though. Big picture, I'm drinking tons of fruit juice. Seriously, fruit is... just..yum. Lol. Best food ever.
I'm going to the lake next Tuesday with my friends, should be fun, I need to find some white shorts of mine to wear, cause I'm not going to walk around in just bikini bottoms. I get a serious case of razor burn in the front and flab town in the back. xD I'm working on it. So, shorts!!
It'll be fun. ( ^w^ )Vm...........that's a happy face with a pease sign...btw.. -snort-
My sister got me.... a er.... uh.... It's a trojan product. Lol. No not a condom... Well it came with one.. but I gave it away and kept the main gift int the box. Lol! okay fine, I'll say what it is. -shifty eyes- That vibrating touch thing. It feels SOOO weird to be honest. xD It's the first thing like that I've ever had so it's like... whoa. But after te first time I got the hang of it.
Works great btw.
I haven't been binging, YAY!!! Nore have I been restricting. I've been staying between 1,200 and 2000 calories a day, depending on how much walking around and working out I do. Tons of fruit, oodles of veg. I haven't eaten anything that was cooked in grease either so all in all, it's just a good day.
The only downfall... well no. I guess it's not even a downfall really. 200 calories worth of chips. Meh. that used to be HORRIBLE. 200 calories of ANYTHING was enough to make me want to curl up and die. Now i'm trying to look at it realistically. Pft. that's nothing really.
The good thing is that I can't drink any sodas but diet. They taste HORRIBLE now. All bitter an grainy.
In a ways this is bad too though, aspartame is poison, big time. -sigh- I wish carbonated water wasn't disgusting. I'd have it made then. Sometimes I just want something fizzy.
>.> it sucks.
Oh well though. Big picture, I'm drinking tons of fruit juice. Seriously, fruit is... just..yum. Lol. Best food ever.
I'm going to the lake next Tuesday with my friends, should be fun, I need to find some white shorts of mine to wear, cause I'm not going to walk around in just bikini bottoms. I get a serious case of razor burn in the front and flab town in the back. xD I'm working on it. So, shorts!!
It'll be fun. ( ^w^ )Vm...........that's a happy face with a pease sign...btw.. -snort-
Monday, June 11, 2012
It's seriously time to rethink some shit.
Okay, Here's what I'm thinking...
I need to stop this ed shit. It wont be easy, for sure. I still eat way less than I should on some days, and way the hell more than four people should on others. I'm going to try to level it all out, eat healthier, the whole thing. I have half a bottle of diet pills left, I'm going to throw those away.
Luckily, I haven't used lax in about a year, so that's not even a temptation any more.
The hardest thing is going to be when I look at myself in the mirror and think "Meh, I can just stop eating anf fix that shit" no. NO Bad Bobbi BAD! I'm not fat. I'm not I'm not I'm not. I just have to keep telling myself that. I can squeeze into size 8 pants for Christ sake! Medium shirts and size 8-10 pants is not fat.
So. Here it goes. I'm not going to starve myself for 2-3 days at a time. I wont use pills and I wont restrict down to 500 calories a day like I used to. If I keep going like this I'm going to have a heart attack... and I can't afford that crap! I'm at 165 pounds. I'm 5'10" That's not bad at all....-wince-
I'm going to up my goal weight from 120 to 150, which is in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I am going to try to get t there ( THE RIGHT WAY) and not fuck it up afterwards.
-sigh- It's so difficult. I know it's going to be hard. I've had this mind set before and slipped back into old habits... but now I have a role model who's totally doing it right. That's what I need to be doing it, the right way. Not a way has proven to kill people as fast as obesity.
So yeah. I'm going to try to level things out a little bit. put a little balance in my life. It's past time for me to grow up and seriously rethink some shit.
I'll still be blogging, no worries. So...feel free to yell at me if I start to veer off course in the future.
I need to stop this ed shit. It wont be easy, for sure. I still eat way less than I should on some days, and way the hell more than four people should on others. I'm going to try to level it all out, eat healthier, the whole thing. I have half a bottle of diet pills left, I'm going to throw those away.
Luckily, I haven't used lax in about a year, so that's not even a temptation any more.
The hardest thing is going to be when I look at myself in the mirror and think "Meh, I can just stop eating anf fix that shit" no. NO Bad Bobbi BAD! I'm not fat. I'm not I'm not I'm not. I just have to keep telling myself that. I can squeeze into size 8 pants for Christ sake! Medium shirts and size 8-10 pants is not fat.
So. Here it goes. I'm not going to starve myself for 2-3 days at a time. I wont use pills and I wont restrict down to 500 calories a day like I used to. If I keep going like this I'm going to have a heart attack... and I can't afford that crap! I'm at 165 pounds. I'm 5'10" That's not bad at all....-wince-
I'm going to up my goal weight from 120 to 150, which is in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I am going to try to get t there ( THE RIGHT WAY) and not fuck it up afterwards.
-sigh- It's so difficult. I know it's going to be hard. I've had this mind set before and slipped back into old habits... but now I have a role model who's totally doing it right. That's what I need to be doing it, the right way. Not a way has proven to kill people as fast as obesity.
So yeah. I'm going to try to level things out a little bit. put a little balance in my life. It's past time for me to grow up and seriously rethink some shit.
I'll still be blogging, no worries. So...feel free to yell at me if I start to veer off course in the future.
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