Imagine you're a 13 year old girl...

Picture you're a 13 year old girl. Just starting puberty, gaining weight when you used to be nice and slim. It makes you develop an eating disorder.
The ED screws with your mental and emotional state and you begin to cut yourself.

Say you get an ED facebook account and a friend you had made in it deletes you because you're just a kid. It happens a lot, shouldn't be a big deal. But you're having stability problems. You're starving yourself and cutting yourself and it's made you emotionally unstable on TOP of the puberty hormones and confusion that you're dealing with.

Out of anger, you cut yourself again and accuse the girl who deleted you. Something any teenager would do (if they were cutting). And amid the people trying to reassure you that, yes you are too young to have to worry about food like you are, there are people who defend the girl who deleted you.

And they're not kind. They use cuss words and call you ridiculous names. When it's all over you've been called an attention seeking fat cow. A douschecanoe. You've had to read through all of these comments of people fighting back and forth and you can't make sense of it.

You're 13. You think you're an adult. You're not too young. You're stable.

But you don't know that you're wrong. You're a child. You're confused, unstable, unsure. Everyone is at that age. And only a few people can see that.  The people who are attacking you are taking your words at face value.
"If you're so grown up, then act like it."
But you can't. Because you're not grown up. You're still a little girl. Not even grown. And because you can't, they don't stop.

Now pretend you're you again. And you're reading all of those comments and seeing a young girl cutting herself because she's hurt. Because older women are callling her out and she isn't old enough to do anything logical about it. The whole thing is emotional.

Would you not be upset? Would you not just ask..."hey. please don't call her that. please don't use that language. "

I did. And I got "She claims she's grown up. she should be able to handle it."

I ask you, why can't people stop and think rationally. Just for a moment go "This is just a girl. She's in a complicated stage in her life and wants to belong. She's unhealthy and she hurts herself when she's too emotional. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so mean to her. Maybe I should just say things rationally?"

is it too hard? =(

News and pics

I'm at 164, so down two pounds since my last update. Hopefully 3 by tomorrow morning. I have this weird...fitness mat thing that you can hook up to a tv set now. It has all kinds of stuff on it, running, yoga, games, dancing. So I'll give it a try. It was 50 bucks but marked down to 10 so hey, why not right?

So this is me. Pretty bad huh?

This is the body I want. So prefect. Maybe with time. -sigh-

Back in the hang of things.

You ever feel that burn? That burn where walking makes you knees buckle and it hurts to lift your arms? That burn where sitting up cramps you stomach? Yeah, I have that burn. GOD i love it. 

After walking for an hour, I did 8 minutes straight of crunches,
5 minutes of squats
5 minutes of my shake weight
and 3 minutes of pushups.

May not sound like much but it was enough to burn. I plan on at least another 10 minutes of something in a few hours. Tomorrow that burn's going to be worse and I can't wait.

I'm at 166 right now. My friend invited me to go to the coast the coast in a month. I want to lose at LEAST 10 pounds by then. I'm going to push for 20 though. Here's hoping.