A sign

Swore I'd fast today. Lied, made a biscuit and honey, then ended up dropping it on the floor. I was pissed, but happy at the same time. I hate this. I just want to be normal.

='(

Well...after thinking about selling my iPod, laptop, my great grandmothers pearls and my grandmothers ring...i settled on crying in the bathroom for a few minutes.

I hate Christmas, it's not just the presents, but it's the fact that there's bills too. And only one car that works because the other one broke down and needs to be fixed. We have more shopping to do and only 200 dollars to last until next pay day...which we don't know when that will be, around new years maybe. 

Did the mention the bills? I don't know what to do. It's not even MY money, it's my dad's check, I can't contribute anything and mom wants to buy me presents, but we don't have the money. And there's the broken van...and..just.. yeah. I'm gonna go cry again. Now i know why this holiday has such a high suicide rate. 

Is it 2012 yet? I want the world to end please.

My dad just reminded me what the true meaning of Christmas was. Yup, after mom spent all day in town fighting crowds and stuff to buy presents. She comes home and hides them, then helped my make dinner.

Dad strolled in from the bedroom and starts going: "You didn't get enough presents, we're going to have a sucky Christmas" ... "There's only like five things! Why didn't you get like... a shopping cart full?" ... "This is going to be such a disappointing Christmas" 

Yup. Just like I thought. Xmas is a stupid holiday that makes people into selfish unhappy lumps. Not just my dad...EVERYONE! My family has NO money, we're impoverished! We can't afford milk sometimes, yet my little brother keeps whining about wanting an xbox 360, and a bunch of ps3 games.

Oh, this just in: I just heard my folks talking in the living room and mom said something about a present for me and dad goes: "Don't worry about her, she doesn't care, she's our good kid" Okay...great..whatever. Then mom said something about my little sister and he said the same thing...Hello. My sister is 17, she still expects a present or two under the tree. It's not all about the little fatasss that you all claim is my baby brother. (he's 14 and over 200 pounds). But apparently dad thinks that the majority of the money spent should be on him. Screw my sister apparently. Whatever. I'm going to get a gift card from my grandma (maybe) if I do, I'll buy Stephanie some more things so she wont feel left out. And my mom too, she never gets anything because dad doesn't go Christmas shopping. Hopefully there's enough to get them both something. I already got them both presents...but I could only afford one each. Oh well I guess. It'll be over soon.

It's just people like my dad who claim the whole day is ruined if there's not a billion gifts under the tree....it sucks all the holiday spirit out of me and leaves me bitter and unhappy. =(

Merry freaking Christmas. Happy god damn new year, hopefully the world explodes before I have to deal with this holiday again.

Awkward moments.

I hate going to a party, thinking a bunch of your friend will be there, and then you find out it's just going to be a bunch of people you don't know because all of your friends can't go after all. >.> it's like middle school all over again.
My friend invited me to her birthday party. (which she postponed so everyone could get time off work and come) And the three friends that she and I had in common suddenly can't go. They never asked for time off. Great. There's going to be 4 people there staying the night I don't know and one I do know but can. not. stand. I have a feeling...this is going to royally suck asshole.

The only good news is there's more people to eat all of the food instead of me.

Restraint

Yesterday I had about 450 calories. Then around midnight I had half of a muffin. This morning My scale said I lost a pound so no regrets.
Today mom walked in with half a bag of cheddar sun chips. I was like O.O Whyy?! I haven't touched them though, so that's good. And now mom wants me to eat some crab cakes she made...with mayo. That she also fried. -sigh- I'm going to take three of my metabolism/diet pills before hand, I mean so far today I'm at 0 calories so I should be fine.

At least it's something.

I'm at 165, haven't been there in a month, so It's something. only 10 more pounds until I'm where I was at my low

It's been a while

Long story short, I'm broke, fat and generally just...ugh. The last time I felt like this, I ended up starting off my biggest weight loss dip. Time to stop being such a lazy fuck, this is just a little ridiculous. Last Thanksgiving, I remember I just had a salad with some turkey....I've eaten SO much fucking food in the last few days. I'm 167 right now, horrifying, More than ten pounds from my lowest weight. I don't want to look at myself again until I start going back down again.

Okay...now that that's over, let me see...what other things have happened... Oh! My ex boyfriend sent me an email (it's been a year since we spoke) And he was all "I think I'm okay enough to talk to you again"
I was like.....really? It takes you a year to get over a girl who lives in another country? You have problems.  Anyway, at first he was go on about being confused and that he wanted to be friends, then he just got insulting. "Though it seems you've gone anti-religion on facebook, and you have some terrible misconceptions (God approving of Gay people, Lol, really??)"
That's what he said, literally. I was so stunned, Was he trying to apologize or be a dick?! So after I replied (and I was VERY nice btw, I didn't even comment on the gay thing) He totally turned around and started going "It's your fault we broke up, not mine. It's not because I told you to study more about my religion, blah blah blah". It was a totally different tune. So i was like "Pft...screw this, i don't have to be nice to this guy"

I kinda went GI Jane on his ass. "Yup, it's my fault. You're crazy, your family's crazy, your expectations are crazy and I don't even want to be just friends with you anymore"....only in a lot more words and it sounded cooler. Haha. I told him I wasn't anti-religions, but I didn't like when I would post a quote from Buddha, or the Dali Llama or...I dunno, Albert Eignsteign or something like that and end up having my "friend" comment with a Bible quote that contradicted what I just put. It's rude!!I don't do that when she puts something that Christ said on her wall! So yeah, I'm anti-asshole, not anti-religion.Okay, here's what I put, Lol
" I wish it were different, but i have to agree with you I've changed far too much, i don't think that we would be able to maintain a sort of friendship like we had without arguing constantly about moralities. Here are a few that I had to hide from out while we were dating just to escape your persecution. After all, you did insult a lot of my friends with your way of thinking... I'm pro-choice, always have been. I would rather vote for gay-marraige and the legalization of pot than go to Church. I'm a Pagan and I'm pretty sure I always have been and I've been bi since middle school. Now you know some of the things that have been driving a wedge between us. The break up was entirely on my grounds, I didn't open up to you because you're just like Amber, and i know very well how she would react...judgmentally and without a thought of peoples feelings. I mean, she thinks that Arab's are all Devil spawn! Do you think I want my kids thinking the same thing?! NO! Anyway, Kinda hard to keep a relationship alive and healthy when you're hiding things like that while the person you loved would just bash on certain things without knowing. Again, not your fault, it was my fault, i admit to that. I wish you all the best in your life, With lots of new love and happiness and light and inspiration and success. I'll be lighting incense an candles for you, white ones, to help light your spiritual path to a place that will make you 100% happy. I'll Pray to Ra and Odin for you. "
Yup, the last part was just to be Bitchy. I was pissed at him, so I tried to make him uncomfortable with the other gods. Lol. Next time, I'll find someone who feels secure enough in themselves to have a religion and not feel the need to push it on me. He/She could be Catholic for all I care! Or Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, whatever they want! As long as they don't feel the constant need to want to change me so I fit with them. It can't be that bad, I have no desire to ask whoever I'm with to be Pagan like me, that's just rude...

SO! Yeah, there it is. Burned a bridge, got fat, same old same old.

Day 2

Okay, so far so good. I've only had water so far, don't really feel like eating. I slept in this morning, which helps, and tomorrow I have some work to do...I dunno how I'll scoot around not eating lunch with my mom, but I'll figure something out.

Todays weight: 163.4

Something new. Day 1

Okay. So, when I hit 155, I foolishly assumed "Hey, I've lost almost 50 pounds. I can let off the gas for a bit"

Dumb ass that I was.
SO I'm going to post day by day updates of a fast I'm starting. Right now, today. -nod nod- If I do it daily, then I'll had written proof that I can't just try to ignore when I binge. SO here's how I'm going to do this. Diet pepsi is okay between 2 and 7 PM. All other times I'll drink green tea and water. I don't know how long I'm going to do at this, but I'll stop when I need to.

Day 1.
Starting weight: 165

Here goes everything.

Why I was laid off.

Okay, so this is what happened.
I clean vacation rentals, and since my mom and I are a team, we do them together. Also, because we're new, we'd have "checkers" come around to the house either the day we clean them, or the day after we clean them, just to make sure we did everything right. And for weeks, after 20 houses, we only had to go back to 2. I think that's pretty good for being new.

Well, this bitch checker, who we didn't even meet, waited 2 weeks after we cleaned a house to go in and check it. And surprise surprise, there were dead bugs and dust everywhere. (it's up in the mountains by a lake...so yeah) Anyway, this bitch writes down everything that we did wrong, like she's supposed to, only she goes out of her way to not be specific....at all.
"Bathrooms didn't pass" Okay........why? cause the check list says they did.
"Gaming center is a MESS"...............It had dust on the counter. And the only thing in the gaming center was a freaking pool table, WTF?!

Anyway, this bitch not only writes down a list of the vaguest shit ever, she texts our boss about how horrible and messy the house was and how we should be ashamed and some such shit.
(then we find out that the rentals owners were coming by the next day, so we think they just made this shit up to get us to reclean the house for them without pay)

So anyway, we go in to get our checks a week later and our boss tells us that we seems to be struggling and that Stephanie (the bitch checker we didn't meet) said that the houses were just to bad, so they were laying us off.
Everyone we told about our jobs warned us that they were shady people. No joke, even my dad came home and said that his buddies at work warned us against working there cause their wives/sisters/daughters had worked there at some point. figures.

the bad and the good.

Okay, the bad, I got fired today. No more saving up for an apartment, or even a laptop. It's bullshit, but I guess there's bitches everywhere ruining things for everyone. Unfortunatly, this bitch was a lying bitch. What the fuck ever.


Good news, without something to save for, I spent 40 bucks on low calorie health food, maybe I'll actually lose some god damn weight now.

Mo' money, No money.

Sheesh, I don't mind helping out with my family you know? But my mom and I have the same job and make exactly the same amount each pay check. I'm trying to save up for an apartment, but it's hard when they keep taking all of my money. =/ Mom took 20 for groceries (including beer, ugh), and dad just got home and took the last of my cash. Luckily I put the rest of my check in the bank, so they can't touch it. But it's just frustrating. If it was to help with bills or gas i wouldn't complain, but dad wants to buy chips and pizza and some soda with it. So...ugh Idk. I'll just ignore it and hope that they can pay me back eventually.

Dirty, yummy thoughts

Is it sad that one of the main reasons i want to move out is so i can buy myself sex toys? Lol!! Yeah yeah, I know. But I'm 22, a virgin and I've only been kissed once...and it sucked.
Just...URG
Another main reason is that I'd be able to enter the dating scene on my own terms without my family jumping into my bussiness. Can you imagin if I dated a girl!? Omg.

Ok, new subject. I really had to #2, you know? But it was too big like omg. Well I told mom and she asks me why i don't just take one of the laxatives in my purse.

..........................................


the FUCK?! Luckily she didn't question why i had them, but i guess I need to make sure she doesn't know i take so many all the time. But still, she was snooping through my purse and found the box. Um...Nosy much? just....-big sigh- I'll have to take them out, or just throw the box out and hide the pills in my purse somewhere. Maybe in my wallet. i dunno. =/
So far being veg, I lost like 2-3 pounds. I'm pretty happy. =)

Hm, veghead?

Hey lovies. I'm thinking about trying the veg thing again. It's not like I don't already buy vegetarian products because of the calorie difference. And the only thing that my family makes with meat is barbeque, which I don't eat any way. This might force me to chow down on more leafy greens than before, which is always a plus. =)

So yeah. Work tomorrow yay! More calories burned!! God i'm a sick sick girl.

Ugh, gross

My brother woke up this morning and the first thing he did was mac down on a bag of cheetos. There was half a bag left and he ate it all before the rest of us even got up. And what's more, they were my little sister's cheetos that she bought with her own money. Yeah. That's all he had to eat, too. He didn't get up and have breakfast, he just GRABBED those chips and ate them in one sitting. Did I mention he's 13 and almost 200 pounds? Yeah.

So yeah. About Kim, I cancelled on her. I put on some shorts in the bathroom and ended up crying so I made up some bogus lie about helping someone with a yard sale. I'm going to try to not eat for a week and try again next weekend I guess.... -sigh-

Doctor, doctor, make me a cure for it all....

Hey all, what's going on? Work's going great, ton's of stairs and cleaning and shit, now if I could just stop eating. -sigh-

Anyway, Other than that thing's are pretty good. I'm going to the lake with my friend tomorrow. I'm NOT bringing my swimsuit cause I'm way the fuck too fat for that shit to be seen by human eyes. I'm looking forward to getting some color though.

So...yeah. Life's still boring as shit. Sorry there's never anything interesting to read on this thing. Lol.

It's been a long time.

My laptop has been out of commission and I wouldn't dare post this stuff on my mom's desktop. Anyway, Hello ladies. (and gentlemen of there's any reading this) Boy it's been a while since I posted. Let's take a look at what all's happened since last time.

• I got a new job, cleaning up vacation rentals with my mom. The pay's good and since we're a team we get bigger houses, which pays more for us. 
• My sister got her tonsels removed on the 15th of June. And guess what. She lost 15 pounds. Now she's 138. And boy does she just love rubbing it in my face. "Bobbi, guess what? Another five pounds down." -sigh- Anyway...I'd rather NOT dally on that, it just makes me angry.

• I've ballooned. Again. Back up to 165. HOWEVER with my new job I don't expect it to stay that way. It's about five hours of lifting, pushing, pulling, cleaning, scrubbing and going up and down stairs each day. If not an hour or two longer. I just have to stop eating like a fucking cow and I wont have to take shears to my rolls.

I'm trying to think if there's anything else worth mentioning yet. Oh, obviously I got my computer back. Lol. She needed a new hard drive, disk drive and other stuff too. M ex boyfriend Ben fixed it for me so I owe him 30 bucks. No big deal. =)

Other than that...My life is totally unexciting right now. So...yeah. Haha. Later.

It's my birthday

I'm not 100% sure how to feel right now. I'm 22, jobless, carless, and still living with my family. But at the same time I'm not a single mother (or a mother at all) I'm not hooked on drugs or other bad shit. And I'm not a gambler or anything like that. Still though, it's kind of depressing to think that it's been almost 5 years since I graduated and I have gone NO where...
I've only had two jobs, Disney World and a shitty burger place. BAH

I know the problem, and I'm trying to fix it. Location location location.

Anyway...Yeah. It's my birthday. um... yay me I suppose. I took my date off of facebook, so I'm gonna see how many of my friends remember on their own. So far...one.

Yarr

Today's a good day. I'm 156, which is fine, I'm maintaining. If I'm a good girl today I could be 155 tomorrow morning. It's pretty nifty, oui. ^.^

I'm expecting a package today, and it says it's delivered, BUUUT I don't have it. Lol. I dunno, maybe mom didn't check the mail yet. If she did then I'll have it tomorrow. As long as it gets here.

Bloody fantastic day =D

OKAY!! Today I slept in, amazing, then I got up. I'm 157 now...well I was this morning. I dunno about when I wake up again, we'll see, I was a super good girl today. ^.^

Anyway, I consecrated my Rune Stones and used them for the first time. I didn't ask a question really, I just let them fly. Here's what I got:
Woman
Wealth
Possessions
Poison
and Home

And here's what it ended up meaning =D
My friend Michelle (woman) ended up coming by with a bunch of books and tarot cards for me to have. (Wealth of possessions). But when I got them, my mom and sister were kinda like.... O.o wtf, you're weird dude. (poison, which is also slander and down talk, and Home.)

Isn't that COOL?! I didn't think it would really go much of anything, but that's SO cool!!!! They got over my being weird, so no worries, Lol.

happy days

Yes, you are my ducky. <3

Anyway, Hi people. I'm 159. I'm going to fast until my birthday in 10 days because my Nana's traveling down the state to see me. Then when she leaves, I'll fast for another 5 days until the Full Moon. =) Seems like a good idea. I started at midnight today, sooo yeah.

Trying to think if there's anything else nifty enough to say. I don't think there is.

I Promise

Okay, in my last post, my cute little ducky Vampire told me to not hate Christians. Well luv I Promise I'm never going to hate Christians. Just like when I was Christian I didn't hate the Jewish people or the Muslim people. ^.^


My family is Christian, as are my friends. The only "Christians" I don't like are the people in the Wesbro church. And that's cause...well...they're insane. I mean, heck, I'm not going to like anyone who wants to protest Obama visiting the poor souls in Joplin Missouri. Apparently this church says that the tornado was Gods way of punishing them for tolerating gay people or something like that.

Other than those people, I'm not going to hate Christians, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists...well anyone really. Lol. I wouldn't hate a whole religion of race. Only a few select people who choose to do horrible things. Like ...Hitler or something, haha. But no, thank you for bringing it up, luv. ^.^ <3<3

)o(

If anyone recognizes the sign in the title, then they should know what this post will be about. If not, well i'll fill you in.
It's a Wicca symbol. That's right. I'm throwing inhibition to the wind, I rented some books from the library and I'm going to become a Wiccan. It's kind of an amazing feeling actually, It's something that I can finally connect with after years of jumping from Christian church to church. Bah, was ridiculous.

The funny thing is, in Christianity they all said that God and Jesus was in me...but I never felt them. Ever. However I feel the Goddess like no other. I don't want to hurt my body with week long fasts and month long restricted days of only eating 500 calories. I want to be healthy because I represent someone so special and amazing. I'm thinking this might save my life some day. I'd just keep weakening myself until I had to go to the hospital, you know? I didn't WANT to be healthy. Now I have a reason to.

Unabridged, My before and after picture!!!

okay....yeah...you might not want to look, you'll die. -sigh-

This is me before, about 200 pounds. (remember I'm 5'9")
And the second is me recently. At a size 8. Between 155 and 160 pounds.

WHA?!

IM ALIVE!! THE WORLD DIDN'T END!!!


.....duh

ANYWAY Lol. Woke up this morning 159 pounds. I'm still 159 pounds. =) Finally back down into the 150's, that's 6 pounds lost in like...4 days. Hell, I'll take it! Haha. I'm in a good mood now, I even ate something. A 180 calorie cinnamon roll for lunch, followed by an hour of cleaning, and I just had a teaspoon of refried beans, spread on a rice cake, with another spoonful of bbq shredded chicken on top. That's my dinner.

I figure since I'm going to be up for another 6 hours, (which for my bmr or w/e, sedentary, should burn almost 400 calories in total) It should be just fine. Before bed I'll do 200 crunches, 20 pushups and a few 20 second planks. Hopefully I'll be 158 tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Owwy

I've been fasting for 42 hours now. I woke up this morning and the side of my face hurts. URG i hate it. Everything's a little achy and I feel kinda worn down.

On the plus side, I lost more weight. I'm at 160 right now.

30 hours

Okay, I'm currently at fasting hour 30. It's almost 31. I dropped down to 161 pounds already, I'm happy.

An hour ago I made bullion cube soup. Beef bullion cube, water, chili powder, pepper, salt and cayenne pepper. 5 calories. I don't consider 5 calories with THAT much spice as breaking my fast, lol. I just needed something hot to drink for once. Now I'm satisfied and I'm going to bed in about an hour.

So yeah. I'm working my way back down there. I expect at least 160 in the morning., then back to the 159's at long last. I'm never gonna be dumb enough to let myself get back to the 160's again, that was just ridiculous.

And if I do it again. YELL at me, reader!!! I need to be yelled at! LOL!! Ah, I loves you. <3<3

It's a beautiful morni---------afternoooooooon

Hello my luvlies, I'm sorry for the negative posts, I've been on edge about gaining so much stupid weight and my slutty sister and all that. BUT today is a good day.

Yesterday I only had 200 calories. That's a first in like...months. I'm so proud that I'm back in my groove. I had a bullion cube soup with rice noodles and chili powder. Then around 7 that night I had a shit load of lettuce, four shrimp chopped up to go into my salad, and some Italian dressing. I also had half a can of AriZona iced tea until I realized I had diet pepsi in the fridge.

So I went to bed around 3 AM, resist night binging like I used to do every night, and woke up feeling clean and empty. The scale said that I lost weight, so today is a good day. I'm gonna try fasting today and see how that goes. I want to get back to the 150's again.

It's a good day after a bad night.

Last night was just...horrible. i was doing SO good for myself all day, only around 300 calories. Then people when to bed and I had a piece of triple layer cake and three slices of pizza. I went looking for the bag of Cheetos, luckily I couldn't find them anywhere or they'd be gone. I know it's probably no all that much, but it scared the living shit out of me until I fell asleep.


Okay, shameful time. I was 155, right? I ballooned back up to 165 over the past like...month. So, I'm working for it to go back down. I'm at 163 right now, so slowly but surely I'm getting there again. And this time, I wont stop.

Slutty baby sister update

okay, So most of you read my post about my sister and her boyfriend having sex feet from my bed the other day, right?
Well here's an update for ya.

I have to work today, so I already couldn't sleep in but the lovely sounds of panting and groaning from my sisers bed helped wake me up. Did I lay there and try to ignore them like last time? Nope

I got up right there and started getting ready for work. i kept going in and out of our room so I'd keep inturrupting them, then I sat down by her sisters bed and did I hair and make up. With one final touch I walked out, then right back in to ger a hair tie. I stopped and looked a my sister and her boyfriend and said:

"Oh, by the way. Stop having sex with me in the room. It's gross."
She tried to pull this 'what do you mean' face, but I called her on it.
"No, don't even act dumb. I heard you two yesterday, knock it off. I'm not even joking." And as I walked back out of my room, I looked back and she was staring at the ceiling and her eyes were huge.
Yeah, maybe you'll stop being so disrespectful around me now. I'm rather proud of myself.

xXx In a state of shock xXx

Ok....Wow....

Um....

So I was in my bedroom, which I share with my 17 year old sister. Her boyfriend's over and they were on her bed watching a movie on his iPhone.  I'm not feeling good so i rolled over to face the wall and I turned on my iPod.

....Well I was looking through my songs after a bit, so they must have thought I was asleep or something and I heard..things.

Yeah they were having sex, three feet from me, when they thought I was asleep. There were comments and words and everything. When he goes home, I'm going to have to have a talk with my sister...because seriously.....Wow.

Have you ever felt...

I have never felt as stupid, incompetent and insignificant in my whole life as I do right now. I literally had to keep myself from breaking down the entire way back from work.

My boss only works me one to two days a week, usually every other week or so. Well, there was a three month spot in there where I didn't work at all. And when I got back to work, everything was different.  Anyway, he taught me to make shakes and wraps today (things we never had on the menu before) but when I was leaving work he called me into his office and sat me down and told me I needed to pay better attention and stop being so slow.

...........................

When I first started work and everything was normal he told me to stop getting the burgers out so fast because people would think they were pre-made. Now I'm not making them, wiping tables and doing dishes fast enough. During work today he made me feel like the WORST kind of idiot. He didn't like the strawberry shakes coloring so he made me leave and re-made it. Every time I'd walk by he'd stop talking to my co-worker, like they were talking about me. While I was cleaning the tables... he told me to clean the tables. He took 7 dollars in tips from this one table cause he served them. (we don't serve people for lunch, it's more like fastfood) but when I handed him a dollar from another table he brought food to he looked at me like I was stupid and put the money in the tip jar. When I worked at Disney world, I NEVER, NEVER felt so stupid and worthless and unable to do something...and Disney world was a lot more demanding. 

 He just keeps CHANGING everything! Every two weeks I go in and BOOM there's something new that I'm doing wrong. I'm going too slow, not slow enough. He looks at me funny when I don't laugh at his stupid jokes, he thinks we're so buddy buddy but we're not. I can't stand the guy. He watches me when I do everything, which makes me nervous, then OOPS I put half a spoonful too much of potato salad. OOPS, I forgot to check the disinfectants ph balance...which turned out to be perfect anyway. It's like he waits for me to fuck up. This stupid job is only paying me 20-30 dollars a week.....it's not even worth it. I already know I'm fucking fat, I don't need to feel fucking stupid too.

In the AM

Good morning my lovelies. I say this because it's currently 1:30 AM. ^.^ Yes, I stay up this late, a normal bedtime for me is around three or four in the morning, not healthy, I know, but I'll deal with changing it when the time comes. The only thing I despise about it right now is that I'm a night eater, so I gorge myself on crap when I stay up. It makes me sick.

Oh well.

How is everyone out there in blog land? I'm fine, nothing major to report really.
Just when I thought that I'd have a some-what steady work schedule again, my boss said that he'll call me if he needs me. Which is Daron speak for ( I'll see you in another three months. Have fun saving up for the laptop now bitch) -sigh- I need a new job, yes?

IDEK

Like the title says, I don't even know. -sigh-

My boss called me and after three months I'm back to working one to two days a week from now on. Hll, I'll take it. It's 40 dollars a week that I didn't have before. I'm going to try to save up as much of it as I possibly can so I can buy myself a new laptop. As it is, mine is kind of...dying. My disk drive wont pop out unless I go to my start menu and right click on disk drive d and click eject. My screen has a blue line and a green line in it, and one this strip that's darker and sometimes more pixely than everything else. My speakers wont work if I try to watch a DVD and there's black spots where my wrists have rubbed away the silver coating under he keyboard.

So yeah... 40 bucks a week...how many weeks do you think I should save before I can afford one? I'm thinking between 15 to 25. Needless to say...it'll take a while.

O.O

.........I don't even know how I'm feeling right now, GOD.

Okay, first today stated out lamish, just little stuff, then it got better, cause that's how the cookie crumbles you know? Anyway, My boss called...yeah after like 3 months of not working. Well it turns out he only called me in for a shift because my dad ended up having a talk with him...fml.

Okay well, i get over that, cause it's money I didn't have before, then I get online and see a post from my friend.....Now, Remember my ex, Colin? The Jehovah's Witness and how he did the door-to-door thing? Ok WELL, my friend Amber went on and on and ON about how different their religions were...Well today she said she just finished going door-to-door asking people if they wanted bible studies in some trailor park by our homes...

Ok, for anyone who does that, I'm sorry, stop reading, whatever, but I can not STAND people who do that. Wtf dude, that's intrusion and ....And... ARG GOD DAMN. Okay, okay maybe it's just because I already HATE Ambers guts. She's a little bitch and said either me and my friends stop drinking or she's not hanging with us anymore...Yeah, she seriously gave us an ultimatum. Some friend. I'm...just....So fucking done with Jesus freaks, you have no idea. Organized religion is never coming back into my life again. I love Jesus, and God, just not the people who take it way too far. Sorry if I offended anyone, but holy crap....ho-ly crap.

-deep breath-

Anyway. I binged all week and didn't gain anything. My one high point for this post. Bye.

Magic Cookie

Yes...that kind of cookie. I had one today and my head is still spinning a bit. I had to put down a book I was really into because one page took me half an hour. my sister had one too, her bf was already flying. So it's like oh boy...I was so stupid for the past few hours. like, 1+1=fish type dumb.

ZZZzzzZZZ

Okay, so for the past few nights I haven't been getting any sleep. I'm talking less than 3 hours. It SUCKED I felt horrible and run down and achy and just generally blah. Last night though I hit the pillow and was out cold. I slept almost 10 hours, it was amazing.

Lol. Just thought I'd say something.

I'm a Robot now. Great.

So my mom and I were watching "coming home" and I was half reading a book and with only like 15 minutes to go, she looks at me when I put my book down and goes "I turned it, I figured you didn't want to watch it." I was like...okay? so I nodded once and gave her a funny look and she goes. "I mean heaven forbid you show any human emotion"
    Of course my scouring the web and new stations for information on japan and almost crying for them doesn't count i guess. I guess being a bitch to me is one of her new hobbies. I hate this, i wish i had the money i need to move out. She's the reason I gained five pounds too, because she doesn't ask me but makes me food then yells at me unless I eat it. I'm so tired of this shit.

Another Rant

You know, sometimes it astounds me how irrational some people get over an opinion. My mother and I were watching "What Would You Do?" on tv, and this particular episode was about teens getting botox. Okay, that's bad and all, but my mom starts going off on a few teen girls in the background who were watching while they got their nails done.

While she was ranting about how they shouldn't be doing that, I told her that their mothers thought differently then she did and she flipped out and asked if I would let my daughter get her nails done when she was 14.

I said, pft, yeah. Why not it's part of being a girl and it boosts self esteem. Then you know what she did?

She acted like I was a bad person. She said "Wow, really? you'd let them be little hoochies at school? I expected a little better from you but I guess I was wrong."

Hm.....so in saying I'd let my teenage girls paint their nails, I am destined to be a bad mother/person. Thank you mother, oh so much. Not only did you refuse to have a normal conversation, but you insulted me at the same time. And you wonder why I so rarely spend time with you, maybe when you can act like a reasonable adult we can carry on a good talk.

K? until then mom, you can bite me.

the morning after

I'm feeling better this morning, my hip hurts like hell and it bruised nastily, but I do feel better. I think the sleep helped majorly. God forbid I passout like, on the couch or anything, right? Lol, noooooo has to b on the hardwood kitchen floor. fml.

My first black out

I haven't eaten in..16 hours. I got up to get something to drink and felt funny. =( I woke up on the kitchen floor just a few minutes ago and my hip is killing me. That's the first time I ever passed out, it scared the shit out of me.

Everybody poops

I swear it's my new favorite book, Lol, I read it online and was like.....wow.
Anyway, I'm 157 today,I was 158, but then i went to the bathroom, I just love when that happens, hah.

I'm going to church with my grandparents on Sunday. I wanted to say no, but my grandpa's so adorable/cool/cute and he looked so crushed when i said no last time so I said yes. He got so happy that he said we'd all go out for lunch after too. He's a good guy, but my grandma's nuts and they go to a Baptist church, which is the church my OTHER grandma left because they told her she had to baptize my mom to stay on the committee and mom didn't wanna get it done yet. Plus I've been looking into other stuff, lol Wicca, Buddhism, spiritual stuff. Now SHUSH! If you're gonna slam me, just know I know there's a god, and Jesus is in my heart, but the Christian religion is driving me insane. I don't want to join (maybe) Wicca to dance around in a circle at midnight, I like the natural healing and herbs and stuff they do. And With Buddhism I like how mellow al those people are. They know how to appreciate life and all that cool stuff. I'm probably not going to join either of them, but I'm gonna take pointers from them. Meditation, burning herbs to relax or cleanse a room before sending up some prayers to God.

The sad thing is, I wouldn't be able to do what I want if I stayed with my boyfriend, who is still not talking to me after 4 months of my breaking it off. -shrug- He was freakin' on edge when I bought a Pilates kit.I made the mistake of telling him it was like fast paced yoga because THEN i had to explain it wasn't like yoga is any religious or spiritual sense, only the breathing and some of the movements. That it was JUST an exercise. And he was still freaked out about it.

Also, girls, never ever date a guy of a different religion of background if they tell you to NEVER look up anything about it and only stick to the websites they gave to you. A normal person would want you to look through the good and the bad and come to your own choice, you know? I really need to date a normal person, damn.

Anyway, this is dragging on long enough. Peace out.

The Good, The Bad and The HolyFuckSaw7!!

This past week I've tried to be semi-healthy, eating more calories than usual, never sitting around for too long, and I gained four pounds. I know it's not water weight because it's been consistent. fmfl. I'm out of laxatives too, which blows because I can't afford more and have to buy them in secret. That's the bad.

The good...Well people keep talking about how "good" i look and how much weight I lost. I guess that's good.

And yeah, i watched Saw 7 last night. It wasn't bad....but there were better Saw movies out there. The ONLY thing that made me cringe was when he pulled his own teeth out.

So yeah...hm

Sunshine

Yesterday was my moms birthday, she's 43 now. I love her despite how damned difficult she always is, but I hope to God that when I'm 43 I look nothing like her. She's about 5'7" and 215 pounds. Her top front teeth are gone so she has dentures and because she had acne around my age she has really bad scarring. I have scars but I like to think they don't distract people from my face like hers does. =/ Idk, she just never took care of herself. It's disapointing.

Ok, off of this creepy awkwardness. I didn't get on the scale today, but I did last night and i was 157. -sad- Oh well, tbh I'm not really sad, the sun's out and the air feels crisp and clean outside. The mountains are covered in snow by me so it looks sooo pretty. It feels weird being up early, especially with my hair and makeup and everything done. A bunch of people are coming over later so I couldn't just stay in my jamies, you know?

Bah

Well...Blah. I'm afraid of my scale right now, like terrified. I haven't stepped onto it in a few days. I have my meals planned out for tomorrow, and since there's nothing to binge on in the house I feel safe. I just feel...blah though. I'm so tired right now, I have to wait for my blanket to dry because I only have one and it's really really cold. so in an hour or so I'll go check on it, then go to bed and not get my ass up for EVER
...i wish lol

Still haven't worked. I'm going to quit because it's just ridiculous. I'm going to try to go veg again, since i don't really eat or enjoy meat right now anyway. -sigh- i just wish veg wasn't so expensive right now.

Wakey wakey

Hello my sexy bitches. It's 1:50 in the AM right now. i usually hit the sheets at around 3 AM and wake up around 11AM. However, my sister is not home, so I'm in my bedroom, where my family wont be bothered by the lights being on. So. Here is my brilliant master plan. I'm gonna stay up, till around...hm....10-11 AM, then sleep ALL DAY mwuahahahahahahaha.

The reason this plan is bitchin', is because my fat ass gained 4 pounds!!! So. Sleeping all day, means not eating all day. Because I can stand not eating when I'm hungry, but being bored is my downfall. SO, can't be bored, while I'm sleeping.

I'm in a damned good optimistic mood, this is a damn good plan. I shall use youtube to keep my ass awake.....then bounce around like a nutso person, cause being awake too long is like crack to me. SO....there's  a lot of "so's in this.....OH WELL. SO, i shall stay awake, then sleep, not eat, and reweight on Saturday morning.

Also, i have no laxitives, so im a  sad girl. Boo.

Anyway....yeah. byebye

Another bipolar post

Okay, so I gained two pounds yet again.

And I was talking to my friend. According to her, there's only a limited number of spots available in Heaven....So....I guess that means no matter how nice I am and how hard I try to be a good person there's a chance I'll head down to hell. Well, guess it's nice to know before I waste my life. I mean I never even work a raffle, what are the odds I'll be one of the however many thousand picked out of the billions of people in the world? About as good as winning the lottery, which is never going to happen either.

Now I really don't feel bad about hating church, which is why i don't go, because it bores the shit out of me and i hate being preached at. Does this mean I'm going to turn Satanist? Fuck no. >.< I'm just going to start doing what i want to do instead of what i thought all my religious friends thought i should be doing.

It's kinda like...ok, my friends are all going somewhere. My friend kim is now working for American Ambulance as an EMT. My other friend Colleen just got a job as a graphic designer. My friend Amber is getting like.... all A's in a state college and hell, even my best friend Krystle has a job. >.> I haven't worked in 4 months because my boss has me "on call".....Asshole.

So here i am, pissed off because I'm 21 and my life is going absolutely no where. I have no skills what so ever, so hey, why try right? I'm probably gonna end up a single mother working at the grocery store anyway. Guess that's what i'll be shooting for in life. Maybe i'll get really lucky and manage to get married for like...five years before my husband leaves me for someone who has some self worth.

today's just been fucking GREAT.

Update

Hey everyone. sorry, I'm 20 minutes too late, but Happy Singles Awareness day.

So, last night was fun, I didn't get to drink much because I couldn't stand the uncomfortable looks i was getting from one of the friends that was there, oh well I guess. But, My friends mom did come in and sing my praises for losing 40 pounds. She made me do a spin and everything and said she was proud of me, it was nuts cause I'm still huge, you know?  Ah well, it made me happy so it's all good.

Well...I'm thinking it made me too happy. I had like....6 cookies last night. Like...huge honking cookies. Some shrimp, this nasty pinwheel ( a tortilla with whatever shoved inside, rolled up and cut into slices) I'm not really sure how many calories all of that was, but it was all that I had to eat, so...xP

 Then today before I headed home they all dragged me to this mexican food place and so I had an enchilada and some rice. And yeah, it was hard but i did enjoy spending time with all of them, it's something that I miss. I didn't tell them about any of the secret crap I'm going through right now, but I do know which friend I'm going to tell if I ever do. She's pretty chill about all of it and wont jump my case about being bi. (i KINDA have a sneaking suspicion that she might be too, JUST sayin) Lol

So....yeah. I havent weighed myself today, I'm too scared. I'll take some lax when I get to bed (My last two NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) And I'll weigh myself in the morning and get back to y'all with that.

Other than that....the day's been uneventful. I read pretty much constantly, have THE best orgasm of my life. (in the bathroom cause everyone was home........a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, right? ROFL!!!)
....i get like this when I'm sleep deprived, sorry whoever is reading this. ROFL!!!!.

Hm...so...yup I'm pretty sure that this is it for now. I'm going to get in some crunches, then head to bed. Night night lovies. <3

The rubberband on my wrist and the socks on my feet.

Yeah...random title but oh well.

Anywhoo, Last night my sister had all of her friends over and we ran around like crazy people in the fields surrounding the property around midnight. It was freezing, but it was a lot of fun. (and that way I didn't get to eat a lot)
I slept in a leather reclining chair for the past 2 nights in a row because of those teenagers haha. And tonight I'm heading up the mountain to stay the night with some friends of mine. Normally I'd be thrilled to get my drink on, but one of my friends is a sober steady-church goer...So yeah, our of respect to her we try to keep from having that kind of fun around her. Time fine for a night of Apples to Apples and Disney movies. Being 21 is epic.

Hm, what else, what else... Oh, I rented a spirituality book from my library and I've been reading it, it's pretty cool. Goes on about being closer to whatever god you believe in and/or the Universe and/or the world itself. Then there's like...meditating stuff in there and mantras and other neat stuff like that, which is what I've been looking for for years. Cause, okay I'm like...semi- Christian I guess? I hate going to Church, Haaaate it, and i hate being preached to or taking bible lessons and all that stuff. But I believe in all the other stuff. But then I love meditating, it chills me out and makes living easier. So hell, now I figure I can easily do both and combine everything in a way that suits my style. Super epic. =D

So yeah, now I have like...my religiousness randomness is all settled. I haven't worked in weeks though, I might quit my job because he hasn't given me any hours and it's so ridiculous.

Wow, I must have felt like getting my thoughts out, huh? Lol, it's okay, you don't have to read the whole thing you know? But i do have a question for you.

If you had a non-life threatening secret that you knew would make most of your friends and/or family look at you differently for the rest of your life...but you felt like you were being a bad person for not telling them...would you tell them anyway? Because I'm starting to feel bad that the only people who know that I'm bi are across the country and don't know me in real life...-sigh- ANYWHOO

I think that's all for today luvs. Wish me luck on not eating gross fatty horrible food tonight!!!

Stay amazing. <3

=)

Heterosexual? ❒

Bisexual? ❒

Homosexual? ❒

Human ✔

;.;

I went to town the other day and as I stood in front of a store, looking at my reflection in the large glass windows I was kind of shocked. 

 In my little sisters skinny jeans, with high heeled boots and my baggy Indian top There were no rolls of fat, no cellulite bumps. I couldn't see the streak of fat that always escapes the underside of underwear. I could stand with my feet shoulder-width apart and I could see through my thighs. My arms looked thin and when I walked I didn't look like a school mascot in a bulky costume they weren't allowed to take off. I looked graceful and tall...

I wanted to break down and cry because for the first time in months I didn't feel like the cow I am.

Oh those happy days.

Don't you just love em? Yesterday, I was such a good girl. Only 500 calories and I did my crunches and pushups. This morning I was 154.0. on the DOT!!  I'm happy. It's the lowest I've been so I know that I'll be 153 tomorrow. For sure I'll be less than 150 in two weeks.

Maybe I'm just shallow, but I'm more motivated that I'm staying the night with my friends in two weeks than I was just doing stuff on my own. I want them to look at me and go 'damn. I'm jealous of her will power'.  I'll wear my little sisters jeans and my new boots and keep myself in check while they gorge themselves on junk food. I'll bring my star bucks coffee grounds and some low cal cocoa mix to make my coffee in the morning, too. It'll be another good day.

my family life

...yup............My parents need to get divorced.....they just need to end it.  You know it's true when the child can even see that there's absolutely no love in the house any more.

But my mom wont because she refuses to find a job to support herself and he wont because he's dyslexic and needs her to file his taxes.

SO instead they fight over the bed (which something got spilled on) and apparently they can't share the two couches in the living room. That's right. There's two couches and she wont let him sleep on one of them.  If the time comes when i can't even share TWO couches with my husband, I'm just going to end it. Because that's not a healthy relationship.

America today

You know...My mother made fish for dinner. Fish and french fries. Fish and chips...whatever. Sitting across from my brother while he eats is the perfect reason to not eat...
Using his fingers he picked up two fries, before he finished chewing them, another two, still he hasn't swallowed. Another two. Then he sucks three of his fingers and swallows what he'd open mouth chewed. Like cud.

Then his picks his fork up....wrong, might i add. And just uses it to hold his fried fish in place while he rips off the end...which he then picks up with his fingers and shoves into his mouth....two more fries, three more fries.

Is it too hard for him to chew with his mouth shut?
He sucks on his fingers again, three of them...only now the other hand.


Now he's picking at the last of he crumbs. This is all happening as I'm typing this...it disgusts me.  He just picked up the whole fried fish with his hand and took a bite without his fork. Like it's a poptart or something. I don't know how he can do it....wow dave what the fuck. He just hit the kitten in it's ear when it came up to him, like he was scared it would take his food. It's good motivation, both to not eat and to make sure any kids i have in the future know how to use a damned fork.

Chew chew chew chew chew his mouth's hanging open as he does it. URG GROSS

Friggin why?

My sister turned seventeen the other day and she's in love with underwear, so I decided to get get a gift card to Victoria's Secret.....

That was probably the most awkward store I've ever been in. The lady in front of me took forever so I stood there, towering over everyone and feeling like a cow. The lady behind the register, sure, was obese, but all the costumers weren't. All of the posters on the walls made me feel like it was a crime to be 155 pounds. To have scars on your face, imperfect hair and/or makeup and to be wearing anything above a two. =(

That's the freaking ironic thing though, My thighs are now officially smaller than my little sister...but i stil feel huge. I hate this. HATE it!

-sigh- Well...anyway after I got out of there she loved the gift card, that's what matters. =)

Warning signs

Every time I've gotten up today, My vision has blacked out and I got very light headed. It's irking me a bit because I just had a sandwich three hours ago. -shrug- I haven't passed out yet, so it's whatever.  It might be because I need some water? I haven't had any today(shame on me) I'll go get some and see how I feel. I'm keeping all this shit to myself, since my family thinks I'm going to look funny if i keep losing. Right....I'd rather look funny skinny then with rolls, so they can deal with it. Peace out girl scout.

Huzzah!!

My laptop has been out of commission for EVER and finally I got a new cord for it today so I'm back on all set up and what not. I had been able to get online, but only on my moms desktop which everyone in the room could see. So for obvious reasons I didn't update here lol.

So let's see, what's new...I'm 156 again, big fat fail, but I'll go down soon. Just a matter or will power. I bought a cute pair of boots that should be here sometime around Wednesday, I'm so excited to get them.
My sister's almost 17....that's about it. Lol byebye

A new Year

Hello loves. Well it's January first. 1/1/11, epic. At 11:11 I'm going to make a wish.

Anyway, I met my goal weight for midnight last night, 155 pounds. I want to get to 150 by my baby sisters birthday on the 18th, but we'll see I guess.  It's a brand new year, I have 6 months before I turn 22. In the past 6 months, from when I turned 21, I have lost 40 pounds. So, it only makes sense that in the same amount of time, I can lose 30 more pounds, right? I hope so. Once I do that, I'll be happy....I hope.....

I'm home alone, my family is four hours away having a late Christmas with my favorite grandparents. I wasn't able to go because I'm sick and they would catch it. So I made them a DVD with me apologizing and acting silly and all that lol. I hope they like it.

That's about all for now. Love you all, stay safe. <3