Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Good, The Bad and The HolyFuckSaw7!!

This past week I've tried to be semi-healthy, eating more calories than usual, never sitting around for too long, and I gained four pounds. I know it's not water weight because it's been consistent. fmfl. I'm out of laxatives too, which blows because I can't afford more and have to buy them in secret. That's the bad.

The good...Well people keep talking about how "good" i look and how much weight I lost. I guess that's good.

And yeah, i watched Saw 7 last night. It wasn't bad....but there were better Saw movies out there. The ONLY thing that made me cringe was when he pulled his own teeth out.

So yeah...hm

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sunshine

Yesterday was my moms birthday, she's 43 now. I love her despite how damned difficult she always is, but I hope to God that when I'm 43 I look nothing like her. She's about 5'7" and 215 pounds. Her top front teeth are gone so she has dentures and because she had acne around my age she has really bad scarring. I have scars but I like to think they don't distract people from my face like hers does. =/ Idk, she just never took care of herself. It's disapointing.

Ok, off of this creepy awkwardness. I didn't get on the scale today, but I did last night and i was 157. -sad- Oh well, tbh I'm not really sad, the sun's out and the air feels crisp and clean outside. The mountains are covered in snow by me so it looks sooo pretty. It feels weird being up early, especially with my hair and makeup and everything done. A bunch of people are coming over later so I couldn't just stay in my jamies, you know?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bah

Well...Blah. I'm afraid of my scale right now, like terrified. I haven't stepped onto it in a few days. I have my meals planned out for tomorrow, and since there's nothing to binge on in the house I feel safe. I just feel...blah though. I'm so tired right now, I have to wait for my blanket to dry because I only have one and it's really really cold. so in an hour or so I'll go check on it, then go to bed and not get my ass up for EVER
...i wish lol

Still haven't worked. I'm going to quit because it's just ridiculous. I'm going to try to go veg again, since i don't really eat or enjoy meat right now anyway. -sigh- i just wish veg wasn't so expensive right now.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Wakey wakey

Hello my sexy bitches. It's 1:50 in the AM right now. i usually hit the sheets at around 3 AM and wake up around 11AM. However, my sister is not home, so I'm in my bedroom, where my family wont be bothered by the lights being on. So. Here is my brilliant master plan. I'm gonna stay up, till around...hm....10-11 AM, then sleep ALL DAY mwuahahahahahahaha.

The reason this plan is bitchin', is because my fat ass gained 4 pounds!!! So. Sleeping all day, means not eating all day. Because I can stand not eating when I'm hungry, but being bored is my downfall. SO, can't be bored, while I'm sleeping.

I'm in a damned good optimistic mood, this is a damn good plan. I shall use youtube to keep my ass awake.....then bounce around like a nutso person, cause being awake too long is like crack to me. SO....there's  a lot of "so's in this.....OH WELL. SO, i shall stay awake, then sleep, not eat, and reweight on Saturday morning.

Also, i have no laxitives, so im a  sad girl. Boo.

Anyway....yeah. byebye

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Another bipolar post

Okay, so I gained two pounds yet again.

And I was talking to my friend. According to her, there's only a limited number of spots available in Heaven....So....I guess that means no matter how nice I am and how hard I try to be a good person there's a chance I'll head down to hell. Well, guess it's nice to know before I waste my life. I mean I never even work a raffle, what are the odds I'll be one of the however many thousand picked out of the billions of people in the world? About as good as winning the lottery, which is never going to happen either.

Now I really don't feel bad about hating church, which is why i don't go, because it bores the shit out of me and i hate being preached at. Does this mean I'm going to turn Satanist? Fuck no. >.< I'm just going to start doing what i want to do instead of what i thought all my religious friends thought i should be doing.

It's kinda like...ok, my friends are all going somewhere. My friend kim is now working for American Ambulance as an EMT. My other friend Colleen just got a job as a graphic designer. My friend Amber is getting like.... all A's in a state college and hell, even my best friend Krystle has a job. >.> I haven't worked in 4 months because my boss has me "on call".....Asshole.

So here i am, pissed off because I'm 21 and my life is going absolutely no where. I have no skills what so ever, so hey, why try right? I'm probably gonna end up a single mother working at the grocery store anyway. Guess that's what i'll be shooting for in life. Maybe i'll get really lucky and manage to get married for like...five years before my husband leaves me for someone who has some self worth.

today's just been fucking GREAT.

Update

Hey everyone. sorry, I'm 20 minutes too late, but Happy Singles Awareness day.

So, last night was fun, I didn't get to drink much because I couldn't stand the uncomfortable looks i was getting from one of the friends that was there, oh well I guess. But, My friends mom did come in and sing my praises for losing 40 pounds. She made me do a spin and everything and said she was proud of me, it was nuts cause I'm still huge, you know?  Ah well, it made me happy so it's all good.

Well...I'm thinking it made me too happy. I had like....6 cookies last night. Like...huge honking cookies. Some shrimp, this nasty pinwheel ( a tortilla with whatever shoved inside, rolled up and cut into slices) I'm not really sure how many calories all of that was, but it was all that I had to eat, so...xP

 Then today before I headed home they all dragged me to this mexican food place and so I had an enchilada and some rice. And yeah, it was hard but i did enjoy spending time with all of them, it's something that I miss. I didn't tell them about any of the secret crap I'm going through right now, but I do know which friend I'm going to tell if I ever do. She's pretty chill about all of it and wont jump my case about being bi. (i KINDA have a sneaking suspicion that she might be too, JUST sayin) Lol

So....yeah. I havent weighed myself today, I'm too scared. I'll take some lax when I get to bed (My last two NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) And I'll weigh myself in the morning and get back to y'all with that.

Other than that....the day's been uneventful. I read pretty much constantly, have THE best orgasm of my life. (in the bathroom cause everyone was home........a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, right? ROFL!!!)
....i get like this when I'm sleep deprived, sorry whoever is reading this. ROFL!!!!.

Hm...so...yup I'm pretty sure that this is it for now. I'm going to get in some crunches, then head to bed. Night night lovies. <3

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The rubberband on my wrist and the socks on my feet.

Yeah...random title but oh well.

Anywhoo, Last night my sister had all of her friends over and we ran around like crazy people in the fields surrounding the property around midnight. It was freezing, but it was a lot of fun. (and that way I didn't get to eat a lot)
I slept in a leather reclining chair for the past 2 nights in a row because of those teenagers haha. And tonight I'm heading up the mountain to stay the night with some friends of mine. Normally I'd be thrilled to get my drink on, but one of my friends is a sober steady-church goer...So yeah, our of respect to her we try to keep from having that kind of fun around her. Time fine for a night of Apples to Apples and Disney movies. Being 21 is epic.

Hm, what else, what else... Oh, I rented a spirituality book from my library and I've been reading it, it's pretty cool. Goes on about being closer to whatever god you believe in and/or the Universe and/or the world itself. Then there's like...meditating stuff in there and mantras and other neat stuff like that, which is what I've been looking for for years. Cause, okay I'm like...semi- Christian I guess? I hate going to Church, Haaaate it, and i hate being preached to or taking bible lessons and all that stuff. But I believe in all the other stuff. But then I love meditating, it chills me out and makes living easier. So hell, now I figure I can easily do both and combine everything in a way that suits my style. Super epic. =D

So yeah, now I have like...my religiousness randomness is all settled. I haven't worked in weeks though, I might quit my job because he hasn't given me any hours and it's so ridiculous.

Wow, I must have felt like getting my thoughts out, huh? Lol, it's okay, you don't have to read the whole thing you know? But i do have a question for you.

If you had a non-life threatening secret that you knew would make most of your friends and/or family look at you differently for the rest of your life...but you felt like you were being a bad person for not telling them...would you tell them anyway? Because I'm starting to feel bad that the only people who know that I'm bi are across the country and don't know me in real life...-sigh- ANYWHOO

I think that's all for today luvs. Wish me luck on not eating gross fatty horrible food tonight!!!

Stay amazing. <3

Friday, February 11, 2011

=)

Heterosexual? ❒

Bisexual? ❒

Homosexual? ❒

Human ✔

Friday, February 4, 2011

;.;

I went to town the other day and as I stood in front of a store, looking at my reflection in the large glass windows I was kind of shocked. 
 In my little sisters skinny jeans, with high heeled boots and my baggy Indian top There were no rolls of fat, no cellulite bumps. I couldn't see the streak of fat that always escapes the underside of underwear. I could stand with my feet shoulder-width apart and I could see through my thighs. My arms looked thin and when I walked I didn't look like a school mascot in a bulky costume they weren't allowed to take off. I looked graceful and tall...
I wanted to break down and cry because for the first time in months I didn't feel like the cow I am.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Oh those happy days.

Don't you just love em? Yesterday, I was such a good girl. Only 500 calories and I did my crunches and pushups. This morning I was 154.0. on the DOT!!  I'm happy. It's the lowest I've been so I know that I'll be 153 tomorrow. For sure I'll be less than 150 in two weeks.

Maybe I'm just shallow, but I'm more motivated that I'm staying the night with my friends in two weeks than I was just doing stuff on my own. I want them to look at me and go 'damn. I'm jealous of her will power'.  I'll wear my little sisters jeans and my new boots and keep myself in check while they gorge themselves on junk food. I'll bring my star bucks coffee grounds and some low cal cocoa mix to make my coffee in the morning, too. It'll be another good day.