Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Post # 100 =)

Hi everyone! (or hi two people, judging from how many people I actually think read these) Well, it's my 100th post. How crazy!! I went back and reread everything I've written. Sheesh, it's been that long ago since I started this blog? I'm getting old.

Well, let's have a 100th post recap. ^.^ My sister is not a whore, and I'm sorry for ever even thinking that. Yeah, she was getting it on with her boyfriend in our bedroom, but he's the only guy she's even been with and they've been living together at his moms house for 6 months! So far, so good. I'm happy that it's working out because her boyfriend is a good guy.

Amber still sucks... moving on.

I'm still Pagan. (and i still love Christians, Lol) It's working out great and, in that aspect anyway, I'm happy.




My brother.... ugh. He's 14 now, almost 15 (kill me) and I finally agreed t help him eat healthier. Here's the kicker, he refuses to eat vegetables. yay.
Also, he got on the scale today. He's 215 pounds. O.O A 14 year old boy should not weigh that much.
So... yeah. I'm going to be keeping an eye on him. I laid down guide lines.
-No soda
-no chips
-no top ramen (he crunches it up and eats it raw like a snack, then makes a bowl of it in soup form to eat. That's around 800 calories by itself!)
-he's not allowed to take the golf cart to the neighbors anymore. He now has to walk.
I'm putting him at a 2000 calorie thing right now, since he's still growing and all. That's how much he needs. But I'm going to make sure the foods he gets it from are healthier than junk. That alone will help him.

Now, to the main event!..... I made a booboo. -_-;; Now... I didn't go over 2000 calories, BUUUUT I ate an entire bag of hot cheetos yesterday. (ducks from boo's and thrown rotten fruit) I'm sorry I'm sorry!! Even though I didn't go over 2000 (which is still over my limit, but that's the total cap I've given myself in case I make a booboo) But a whole bag of hot cheetos is HORRIBLE to eat I know. The fridge is stocked with fruits and vegetables... we even have a whole pineapple! Why didn't I eat healthier?

-rubs head- But, I got up from my pit of shame and dusted myself off. Today I've done a LOT better and I'm going to ignore yesterday and try not to make it happen again.

So... Yeah. Yay me! Lol

Friday, June 22, 2012

Setbacks

Years ago, when i began over eating, then just a few years ago with it drastically flipped to hardly eating anything, I never really thought about the difficulties in...being normal again.

I would watch dozens of eating disorder / diet / obesity / and food documentaries online, and there was always someone who was trying to recover from their personal eating issues. I would think, pft. Come on, get over it already. You want to be healthy, so be healthy. Can't be that hard you know? Now that I'm living it, I totally get it. Binge eating, restricting, it's not something you can just vanquish over night.

Yesterday I ate so much that I didn't bother adding it all into the My Fitness Pal account I made. I don't even have friends on it, but I just didn't want to see the evidence. It was really bad after everyone went to sleep. Or did it? I don't even remember the calorie amount, because of how messed up my sense of normalcy is, It probably was just 2000 calories. That's NORMAL. But then again, it could have been 3 or 4000, I didn't count.

But that was yesterday. I'm over it. Decided to start new today and just put that behind me. Well fuck my life because it's 5:15 pm (17:15) and I've only had less than 250 calories. Around noon i had a bowl of cereal. That was it.

So yeah.. I'm starting to realize that keeping your mindset focused on "healthy" is really hard when you've dealt with such a warped sense of self for so long. I'm going to go find something to eat right now... then have dinner in a few hours. Since I stay up till 3 AM usually, I'll eat something else around 10 tonight too. Maybe that'll make up the calorie difference.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Unusual complications

=) Thank you vampire. You're such a sweetheart I swear. <3

I'm feeling a lot better now. Family, bah. Who needs them... Well... i do Lol! But not that side of the family.

I took another big step today. I deleted my myfitnesspal account. I'd had it for a long time and it was set with a max of 800 calories on it. Also, I had a lot of my ED friends on it so it didn't seem... right to keep it any more.

SO I made a new one! xD I'm all alone on it right now, but that's okay. I entered my information, set healthy realistic goals and there ya go.  There's a downside though... I ate three times today and it still says I have over 1000 calories left to eat. O.O

This is gonna be hard, that's SO much food, omg!!!

Maybe I'll have a second dinner later on and have a veggie wrap with fruit on the side, that sounds really good...

But it's also like... only 400 calories for all of it. -hangs head- I'm not under eating, I swear, But.. just... holy crap dude. xD I'm going to need to eat double what I usually do......

Huh... could it be the only reason I was maintaining/gaining was because I was binging? I would say fasting did it too, but I never gained after a fast, I only gained like a week later because I ended up eating a billion pounds of food when everyone was sleeping. -rubs head- This is so weird...

Maybe I shouldn't work out? Well.. no because I want to tone up. Murr... so difficult, seriously. Okay. I'll have a veggie wrap, fruit and some soup! ... That's got to be at least 600 calories, right?

>.> -pouts- This is hard... I can't even tell when I'm hungry because of how I screwed myself up. Okay, but wait!.... It's not that bad. At least I'm eating. Better to struggle to eat to much than struggle to eat at all. Maybe later I'll have some hotcocoa too and a fruit smoothie or something!! ^.^ So far... I think today's okay. =) Yes, I do.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

:(

So, everyone on my dads side of the family forgot my birthday. Everyone. Not even a "Happy Birthday" on face book. It was a week ago. June 10th. On June 9th, I was over at my grandma's for my sisters graduation party. (keep this in mind)

Today, we went next door to my grandmas again for fathers day, to give grandpa a present and stuff. I walked in with my dress I got from mom for my birthday and some lady I don't even know goes "Nice coverup"

So I said "Thank you. Mom got it for my for my birthday." i was thinking. Hey, maybe if I casually bring it up, they'll remember and say "Oh, happy birthday!" No. Not one person out of the 12 people in the room said anything to me. Okay. Find what the fuck ever.

Apparently, between the time I left the room and was about to leave the house, dad told her that I thought she forgot my birthday. -rubs head- Dad, I know you meant well, but I wish you hadn't told her. I really really wish you hadn't.

I go to leave the house and my grandma stops me and in this really sad "poor you" tone says "I didn't forget your birthday hon. I didn't." She leads me back to her closet and gives me this pair of shoes that she bought for herself but her feet swell, so she can't wear them. They're like flip flops...but with a velcro strap on the top. -.-;; 3 year old shoes that she bought for herself. Thanks.

Then she takes my hand and goes "i got you a card a month and a half ago, but you're never here! I can't give it to you! And I put a twenty in it, but I had to take it out this morning because your dad didn't have any money."

... Um.... what?

Remember grandma? I was at your house the day before my birthday... for like 6 hours.

ALSO. She lied. Because I saw her rummaging around in the office in her "card" stash for a birthday card to sign and give me. Bull shit she bought it a month ago.

AND ALSO AGAIN, she insulted my dad, big time. The tone she had made it sound like "Again. he didn't have money again"

So not only did she forget my birthday, she lied about it and tried to make me feel like it was my fault for never visiting her that she felt bad. Dude, just admit that you forgot. It's freaking fine. I don't give a shit, everyone else forgot too!

Oh, except my nana...who lives four hours away. She remembered. And people from the east coast. They all remembered too. But it's fine for someone who lives next door to me. And people who live just a town away.




Sorry. I just had to rant. It may seem petty and stupid.. but it's not about the birthday. This is 23 years of shit spewing out.  I don't even know why it still surprises me. -sigh-

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Dont worry 'bout a thing...

Hm... Well, my birthday was a few days ago. My grandparents forgot and have yet to even tell me "happy birthday" Oh well, it's not that big a deal. The people who mattered were the ones who bothered to know. =) I got this pretty dress that doubles as a skirt, which I love. Hippy skirt, yay!

My sister got me.... a er.... uh.... It's a trojan product. Lol. No not a condom... Well it came with one.. but I gave it away and kept the main gift int the box. Lol! okay fine, I'll say what it is. -shifty eyes- That vibrating touch thing.  It feels SOOO weird to be honest. xD It's the first thing like that I've ever had so it's like... whoa. But after te first time I got the hang of it.

Works great btw.

I haven't been binging, YAY!!! Nore have I been restricting. I've been staying between 1,200 and 2000 calories a day, depending on how much walking around and working out I do. Tons of fruit, oodles of veg. I haven't eaten anything that was cooked in grease either so all in all, it's just a good day.

The only downfall... well no. I guess it's not even a downfall really. 200 calories worth of chips. Meh. that used to be HORRIBLE. 200 calories of ANYTHING was enough to make me want to curl up and die. Now i'm trying to look at it realistically. Pft. that's nothing really.

The good thing is that I can't drink any sodas but diet. They taste HORRIBLE now. All bitter an grainy.
In a ways this is bad too though, aspartame is poison, big time. -sigh- I wish carbonated water wasn't disgusting. I'd have it made then. Sometimes I just want something fizzy.

>.> it sucks.

Oh well though. Big picture, I'm drinking tons of fruit juice. Seriously, fruit is... just..yum. Lol. Best food ever.

I'm going to the lake next Tuesday with my friends, should be fun, I need to find some white shorts of mine to wear, cause I'm not going to walk around in just bikini bottoms. I get a serious case of razor burn in the front and flab town in the back. xD I'm working on it. So, shorts!!

It'll be fun. ( ^w^ )Vm...........that's a happy face with a pease sign...btw.. -snort-

Monday, June 11, 2012

It's seriously time to rethink some shit.

Okay, Here's what I'm thinking...

I need to stop this ed shit. It wont be easy, for sure. I still eat way less than I should on some days, and way the hell more than four people should on others. I'm going to try to level it all out, eat healthier, the whole thing. I have half a bottle of diet pills left, I'm going to throw those away.

Luckily, I haven't used lax in about a year, so that's not even a temptation any more.

The hardest thing is going to be when I look at myself in the mirror and think "Meh, I can just stop eating anf fix that shit" no. NO Bad Bobbi BAD! I'm not fat. I'm not I'm not I'm not. I just have to keep telling myself that. I can squeeze into size 8 pants for Christ sake! Medium shirts and size 8-10 pants is not fat.

So. Here it goes. I'm not going to starve myself for 2-3 days at a time. I wont use pills and I wont restrict down to 500 calories a day like I used to. If I keep going like this I'm going to have a heart attack... and I can't afford that crap! I'm at 165 pounds. I'm 5'10" That's not bad at all....-wince-

I'm going to up my goal weight from 120 to 150, which is in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I am going to try to get t there ( THE RIGHT WAY) and not fuck it up afterwards.

-sigh- It's so difficult. I know it's going to be hard. I've had this mind set before and slipped back into old habits... but now I have a role model who's totally doing it right. That's what I need to be doing it, the right way. Not a way has proven to kill people as fast as obesity.

So yeah. I'm going to try to level things out a little bit. put a little balance in my life. It's past time for me to grow up and seriously rethink some shit.

I'll still be blogging, no worries. So...feel free to yell at me if I start to veer off course in the future.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Lalalalala my family is insane...

okay so let's go through the run down right now. I'm 23. No job. No license (I have a car though) No college, living at home.
...Oh well. Could be worse right? At least I help out around here. I'd feel worse if my folks wanted to leave...but last time i moved out my mom cried every day until I came home. I'll ask dad to look at some houses online with me and he keeps telling me no. It could be a worse situation.

My sister's 18 now and she moved out six months ago. She's been living with her boyfriend and they're doing great >.>murr.
                                                           Me                               My sister
                                                     

My mom and dad... I'm not getting into that.

My brother..who is obese and has broken 4 bones in the past 4 months (I'm assuming from his poor diet) is almost 15.... oh my gawd -.-;;
He's white possibly the most retarded human being ever.
OKAY He got sunburned super super bad the other day. He looked like a lobster. BUT it was going away and today he wakes up and is only a little pink. He starts flitting out, saying that it burns! It's burns! He put aloe on it before I woke up and claimed that made it worse, so he showered it off....then spent the next t hour running back and forth in the house whining/crying really high-pitched (that's what I woke up to). I go up and asked if he used aloe and he flipped out and screamed at me to shut up....I should have slapped him right on his back >=D

He's fine now, but holy shit, that kid is the biggest drama queen in the world. I got so sunburnt that I have blister scars on my shoulder and I didn't complain anywhere as bad as he just did. Little retard.

Okay, back to me. I've been to scared to weight myself. I have a feeling that I've stayed at a constant weight though... I hope. Still no significant other. Meh... I don't like people so I guess that's okay. It would be great to have a girlfriend though -.- Oh well. I can't deal with the shame of not being able to drive while I still live up here in the mountains... makes it pretty much impossible to do anything.

Chalk it up to another oh well...


...WANT -sigh-