New way to lose

For me at least. I'm going to put in an application at a new cafe opening up in town. If I get the job, I'll finally have something to do on my feet all day. Constant work, little food. During my breaks, I'll walk the parkinglot. It's one of the main reasons i'm dying to get a job, tha, and money, -shrug- Anyway, cross your fingers that I get it, lovies. Kiss kiss!

Late

My laptop took a shit. ugh, this is why I havent been on in a while to update.

To the person who commented on my last post, thank you. -hugs- I know that it should be a two way thing, and we're working things out now.

Anyway. Yeah, my computer's dead. But hey, I can fit into my little sisters jeans which rocks. I'm 163 now, I'm dying to get down into the 150's though, grrr. Lol.

~*~ How am I supposed to feel? ~*~

My boyfriend spoke to his mother today, about something she made him promise to not talk to me about. As she put it, I'm not important enough to be in on any choices until there's a ring on my finger. Buy from what he hinted, she wants him to move to Ontario Canada...I'm already moving up to Canada for him....giving up my religion for him, my holidays for him, my family and friends for him...and now his mother wants him to move out to Eastern Canada...which would take me even farther from everything I've ever known.

I...just.... I don't know.... =( Today is our six month anniversary, and I know he's really torn about this. He doesn't want to hurt me, but there's more to the story that he can't tell me....I just...don't think he's looking at it from my point of view. I'm actually really unhappy with this...i just....i don't know. It's not the long distance relationship that's hard, it's the planning for the future.

I grew up planning out family Thanksgivings, epic Halloween parties, cozy Christmas Mornings and kids Birthday parties....I don't get any of that if we get married because of his religion. I mean...I know that it's not the end of the world, just means we can plan new reasons to have parties and fun stuff, so it wont be a holiday obligation, but it feel like I'm losing out. it's depressing me and his crazy mother isn't helping...I just needed to get this out, no one I know could listen without telling me to drop him like a hot potato. I love him, so I can't.

And from my eyes, fall the seas of death and dispare

I got home from the store, and was happy about what I got for myself, some low cal, rice noodles, some lax....then i get a call. It's my friend Krystle. Our friend Kim is in no shape to make calls. Krystle asks me if I'e talked to Kim recently. When I say no, she said that Kim won't be coming to a sleep over we three had been planning with a fourth friend. I asked why...

Kims dad just died.

I knew her dad, he was always nice to me. And Kim was his little girl. She was a daddy's girl. I don't know how he died, but I just know that I'm only feeling a fraction of her hurt, and it's horrible.

Wannarexic is an ugly term, however...

First off, I want to thank AliceInReality and DamnPrecious, your comments made my mood lift a bit, so thank you both, you’re sweethearts. <3

Anyway, back to the blog.

I...am SO sick and tired of seeing little girls, fresh in highschool, asking for tips and tricks on losing weight. What makes me even angrier is when OTHER new members (this is on PrettyThin) GIVE them those tips and tricks instead of listening to the rules. And where's the older members? Trying to stay out of it all. I tried speaking up once, and I got yelled at. 

It's just....ARG!!!! If you're not already sick, stay off Ed sites, don't get sucked in, stop trying to take the "easy" (yeah right) way out cause you don't want to run. RIGHT I got sucked in, I do 500 crunches a fucking day now. I HATE crunches, but I do them because I'm scared not to. I run because I'm scared not to. And now I'm surrounded by little 14 year olds who want to lose a little weight before their first high school dance. It's very frustrating. 

What's worse is you know they wont listen if you warn them away. They'll just keep ruining their bodys, not caring. nfgoefhbgdjghnd;fjhgb;dfjgh it makes me so mad!!!

Sorry, no weight update on this one, too scared to get on my scale. Keep it real.

FML

Woke up today. I sat up, about to head to the shower, and my sister comes in, takes clothes and gets in the shower first. 45 minutes I waited. When she was done, there was no more hot water.

Scale read 167.4. I gained nearly a pound.

Found out my dog ate one of my favorite earrings.

Today....is really....REALLY not my day. I would sleep it away, but my sister is now in our room watching TV and eating something.

Like the title says..FML

Mornings!

I caved yesterday and ate a slice of Zucchini bread. 190 calories. So I didn't fret about it. I did do 500 crunches though. I had to.

TMI ALERT

I think it was just what I needed to love more weight, because I finally pooped more than little rabbit turds. This morning, when I stepped on the scale, I had skipped 167 completely and had gone down to 166.6 (evil number, yay) Haha, anyway, I'm just in a generally good mood today, cleaned the house, did my hair, so on and so forth. It's just been great.

So yeah, just wanted to say my weight is skipping down and it's making me happy. =)

So tired.

The title says it all. I'm tired, so so tired.

The past two nights I got 5 hours sleep. Today I was supposed to fast, but my dad brought home a slice of zucchini bread. I couldn't resist. 190 calories. Then my sister baked cookies and a few were still gooey on the tray...85 calories 275 calories for today, give or take a few because I jumped all over some exercises.

I hate this. I could just curl up and fall asleep, but it's only 8:16, that's a ridiculous time to sleep. If i nap, I wont be able to sleep later tonight. Why why?

My eyes are weighed down with elephants just like me. Every time I stand up, I almost fall and my vision blacks out for a few seconds. It's the blood rushing to my head because I'm lacking everything I'm not supposed to lack. Even though I hate that I've eaten, now it's easier to stand up without the head rush.

GOD I'm so tired. I don't think I've ever been this tired...and all after I ate the food. Maybe that has something to do with it too? I've heard some people get sleepy after they eat.

I had to stop reading my book, the words were blending together, kinda like the words on this screen are right now. They want me to sleep. I say no. I will do 200 crunches first. Then consider sleeping...maybe.

Until the next post lovies. Bye.

Dawn

It's early...for me...to be awake. I got up at seven today, and did an hour of light housework. -192 calories. That's the reason I don't complain anymore when I have to clean. I picked up trash, rearranged the pots and pans, took off and re-fixed the covers on the couch and did the dishes.

A coffee stain formed a heart in the sink. Ironic

Today I'm 168.4. I'm in a good mood for it. Losing does that to me. I want to be at 165 by next week.

Last night my boyfriend had me worried. I hadn't eaten all day, but I refuse to lie to him. So when he asked if I've had dinner, I avoid the question. Dead giveaway. He asked if I had lunch or breakfast and I get a little sheepish. Admit that i haven't. He told me to go eat something. Like I said, I don't lie to Colin. I went to the bathroom with a granola bar and squatted over the toilet (it burns more calories than sitting on the ground in front of it). Chew chew chew........spit. I didn't swallow a bite, then came back to my computer and told him that I shoved a granola bar in my mouth and how yummy it was. Again, I didn't lie. He was happy and let it go that I hadn't eaten...until...

Before he went to bed he admitted that he was getting worried that I seemed to not eat some days. He told me that he's hoping it isn't how I'm losing this weight and how he's nervous I'll pass out or something...i felt so guilty...As guilty as I get when I have chips. =( He cares a lot I know...and I'm glad he does, but sometimes I wish he'd stop asking about it so he would stop worrying about me.

Anyway, that was last night. So far today, nothing too exciting has happened. If it does, I'll add a new post. Peace.

Food.

I am 169.4 lbs. This morning I was 167.6. I didn't eat or drink anything.

My mother is going to be gone until Friday, off doing something fun by the coast. I stay with the dogs, with my hunger pains. But I'm not sad, oh no, I'm excited. I can not eat until Saturday now, and nobody is going to know.

Daddy works, and my brother and sister wont be home from school each day until four. Then my sister vanishes to her room and daddy goes into his. Nobody will notice that I'm not eating while mom is away. For that, I'm excited. It's all a test of will power. I'm going to be the one who is cooking for the rest. Tonight is giant frozen pizza, with processed cheese and three kinds of genetically altered meats. The grease will pool in the centers of the pepperoni and the bottom of the crust will burn a bit. It will smell so damn good and taste even better  be disgusting. It isn't natural, or pure. It will not enter my body and ruin my efforts.

Tomorrow is hot dogs. I have no problem avoiding hot dogs, I've seen how they are made. 1 like of meat custard in a condom please, thanks. No thanks. Tomorrow I will eat my 2 gummy vitamins and drink my water and play with my dogs and read "Wintergirls" and be happy while I watch the scale go down and down.

This is my blog post, but I doubt anyone reads them. Good night.

So...

Well, I'm here I guess. This might be a good thing for me, a healthy thing...I've never really tried anything like this before, but I need a vent...so I repeat, this might be good.

Okay...Let's see. Hi. My name is Bobbi, I live in California, I'm 21 and I'm a loser. Literally. I don't have my license yet because I was dug into a hole in my teens by my parents. I dropped out of college and can't find a job because of my lack of transportation. No, I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains and I will have tourists hitting me with their cars on the way up the mountain. So, for now, I'm stuck like I am.

I also have an ED. Ednos with a tenancy towards anorexia. Why only ednos? Because I am too fat to be in that category. 169 pounds in fact. I used to be 220 pounds, so I guess losing this much is good, but I'm still huge, and I still hate myself for it. I'm about 5'10" tall, so I can't shoot for the weight I want. Instead I'm going to try to be happy with 125lbs. That way, I will weigh less than my boyfriend, who is 130lbs and people still wont worry. I'm hopeful that I'll be close to that goal come next June, which is mine and his birthdays.

That's right. His is the 9th, mine is the 10th. Same year and everything. Neat fact, huh?

Anyway. -sigh- Yeah...this is blog post #1. I'll update it when I can. later.

oh, btw, I'm at 300 calories for the whole day. Pretty good I guess.