I admitted to my friend that I didn't believe in love. I was trying to open myself up, kinda have a heart to heart you know? So anyway, she asked me if I didn't think my mom loved me. I had to explain to her "No... love. Not parental love, I mean a love between two people. Like in the books and in the movies, where there's a someone for everyone.
She said "Sure there is..." then changed the subject back to her mother and her moms new boyfriend. -sigh- I guess I should have known better than to assume that particular friend could have given me some peace of mind. I dunno...i feel so depressed.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
update.
Well, things are... better. I'm not going to go into my depressing last post. fuck that noise.
I still wont say my weight, not yet anyway, but I will say that eight days ago I was seven pounds heavier than I am now. Here's how it went.
For the first two days I didn't eat anything.
The third day I ate, but I worked it off, I'm still counting it as breaking my fast though.
On the fourth day I only ate 200 calories
On day five I ate like... 1,000 calories. I worked about a fourth of it off.
The sixth I had 500 calories.
Yesterday I had about 800 calories, but I stretched it out over the entire day. I stopped eating at midnight and fell asleep at 3 am.
And today I'm had less than three hundred calories.
Today, I weighed myself after I ate at around 3:30 pm and saw that I went down in weight again. So far, it's going pretty good. When I lose three more pounds, I'll start posting my weight again so I wont have to see....THAT number x.x Expect that by next week at the latest.
Peace out.
I still wont say my weight, not yet anyway, but I will say that eight days ago I was seven pounds heavier than I am now. Here's how it went.
For the first two days I didn't eat anything.
The third day I ate, but I worked it off, I'm still counting it as breaking my fast though.
On the fourth day I only ate 200 calories
On day five I ate like... 1,000 calories. I worked about a fourth of it off.
The sixth I had 500 calories.
Yesterday I had about 800 calories, but I stretched it out over the entire day. I stopped eating at midnight and fell asleep at 3 am.
And today I'm had less than three hundred calories.
Today, I weighed myself after I ate at around 3:30 pm and saw that I went down in weight again. So far, it's going pretty good. When I lose three more pounds, I'll start posting my weight again so I wont have to see....THAT number x.x Expect that by next week at the latest.
Peace out.
Friday, November 9, 2012
The start of a long day.
So, I woke up today to the sounds of my parents arguing. It's what I usually wake up to, anyway. It was something about my brother now showing after he woke up (he has the worst B.O. ever) Dad wanted him to take one, mom wanted dad to quit "lowering his self esteem" or some other bull shit. I swear to God, she sticks up for that kid more than she needs to. She sees all these stories about bullied kids who kill themselves and is just SURE that if we talk bad about precious little David that he'll do something drastic. wtf ever.
But I digress.
Anyway, I woke up to that loveliness, then before my dad leaves, he makes sure to comment on how my mom doesn't have a job. She hasn't had one for like... 14 years now. (she says it's because no one hiring but she just stopped looking) So yeah, he throws that in there, then leaves. And I'm laying in bed thinking "He's talking about you too Bobbi. He thinks you're a freeloader, which you are"
It's not a pleasant thought, but I keep thinking it. I'm 23, no licence, no car insurance or tags for "my" car and no job. I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains, everything is too far away. So yeah, I'm living here, rent free, jobless, mooching off my parents like a parasite. You may be wondering "How the hell doesn't she have a licence?" Well, my mom never taught me to drive. She refuses to let people drive her around, she has major control issues. She didn't take me to get my permit until I was 19 after I got home from a 5 month job in Florida. But after I got my permit, she didn't let me drive more than maybe twice. I had to pay for an instructor to teach me how to drive in the city with the money I brought back from Florida, but I only had enough for one session. So yeah. I'm 23 now. Dad's gone all day so he can't help, "my" car isn't qualified to drive on the road. And my moms car doesn't have full coverage (so she says) so no one else but her and my dad can drive it. THAT is why my 18 year old sister and I are both without out licence.
Oh, speaking of my little sister? Her boyfriend is going to propose to her on Christmas. Just one more person I need to add to my growing list of people better than me.
Everyone I know is either married or has a child. And everyone I know either has a job or is going to school. I'm the only one who is none of the above. I'm what's wrong with society when you think about it. Hell, I don't even have health insurance, I have one tooth that needs a root canal and another that needs to be pulled. I haven't been to the Doctor in God knows how long. I've NEVER been to a gynecologist. I don't even qualify for that cheaper state covered shit, great huh? It doesn't really matter in regard to everything else, but it still makes me feel like shit.
So yup. I laid here, in my bed for about an hour crying and picturing my suicide at least fifty different ways. Will I go through with it? No. Because on top of my long list of faults, I'm a coward as well as a "snob" a leech and a lazy hobo squatter.
So if anyone reads this, don't worry you didn't read a suicide letter, You just read the ramblings of another person in this world who never really mattered.
But I digress.
Anyway, I woke up to that loveliness, then before my dad leaves, he makes sure to comment on how my mom doesn't have a job. She hasn't had one for like... 14 years now. (she says it's because no one hiring but she just stopped looking) So yeah, he throws that in there, then leaves. And I'm laying in bed thinking "He's talking about you too Bobbi. He thinks you're a freeloader, which you are"
It's not a pleasant thought, but I keep thinking it. I'm 23, no licence, no car insurance or tags for "my" car and no job. I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains, everything is too far away. So yeah, I'm living here, rent free, jobless, mooching off my parents like a parasite. You may be wondering "How the hell doesn't she have a licence?" Well, my mom never taught me to drive. She refuses to let people drive her around, she has major control issues. She didn't take me to get my permit until I was 19 after I got home from a 5 month job in Florida. But after I got my permit, she didn't let me drive more than maybe twice. I had to pay for an instructor to teach me how to drive in the city with the money I brought back from Florida, but I only had enough for one session. So yeah. I'm 23 now. Dad's gone all day so he can't help, "my" car isn't qualified to drive on the road. And my moms car doesn't have full coverage (so she says) so no one else but her and my dad can drive it. THAT is why my 18 year old sister and I are both without out licence.
Oh, speaking of my little sister? Her boyfriend is going to propose to her on Christmas. Just one more person I need to add to my growing list of people better than me.
Everyone I know is either married or has a child. And everyone I know either has a job or is going to school. I'm the only one who is none of the above. I'm what's wrong with society when you think about it. Hell, I don't even have health insurance, I have one tooth that needs a root canal and another that needs to be pulled. I haven't been to the Doctor in God knows how long. I've NEVER been to a gynecologist. I don't even qualify for that cheaper state covered shit, great huh? It doesn't really matter in regard to everything else, but it still makes me feel like shit.
So yup. I laid here, in my bed for about an hour crying and picturing my suicide at least fifty different ways. Will I go through with it? No. Because on top of my long list of faults, I'm a coward as well as a "snob" a leech and a lazy hobo squatter.
So if anyone reads this, don't worry you didn't read a suicide letter, You just read the ramblings of another person in this world who never really mattered.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Plan of action
There's 14 days until the last Twilight premier. (no, i'm not going of my own free will. I got a free ticket and my friend is making me wait in line with her for 12 hours. I haven't seen her in months so why not? Lol) That's exactly two weeks to fit into one of the few pairs of jeans I own that are cute.... So, here's my plan, out in the open.
No food for two weeks. The longest I've gone was five days, and even then my appetite was gone and I only ate because of family circumstances. I should be able to lose at most 10 pounds by then. I can manage 5 pounds a week easy if I can keep my mouth shut.
Wish me luck.
ok that's all just an excuse >.> Truth is I need to give myself a reason so I don't feel horrible about not sticking to being healthy. But damn it, healthy leads to binging and I can't keep doing that. ARG
No food for two weeks. The longest I've gone was five days, and even then my appetite was gone and I only ate because of family circumstances. I should be able to lose at most 10 pounds by then. I can manage 5 pounds a week easy if I can keep my mouth shut.
Wish me luck.
ok that's all just an excuse >.> Truth is I need to give myself a reason so I don't feel horrible about not sticking to being healthy. But damn it, healthy leads to binging and I can't keep doing that. ARG
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
If it works...
Don't fix it...unfortunately =/
I've spent the past six days or so trying something I haven't tried before. And so far it's working surprisingly well. I've been fasting every other day, and eating under 800 calories on the days in between. I've dropped five pounds so far so hey... whatever.
I guess you could say that I've been in a kind of a funk. Winter's coming and all of my jeans were given to me by my little sister over the summer. They're all too small so I need to lose the weight before it gets too cold for shorts. All I have to do is stick to this. =/
I've spent the past six days or so trying something I haven't tried before. And so far it's working surprisingly well. I've been fasting every other day, and eating under 800 calories on the days in between. I've dropped five pounds so far so hey... whatever.
I guess you could say that I've been in a kind of a funk. Winter's coming and all of my jeans were given to me by my little sister over the summer. They're all too small so I need to lose the weight before it gets too cold for shorts. All I have to do is stick to this. =/
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
ednos blows
So hey guys. Do you ever remember a time when things just weren't going your way? like, you were trying to change them, and it didn't work. But then slowly, over time, it became the way you wanted it and you were happy?
Well I don't. Because it hasn't fucking happened yet.
Fuck. I have NEVER felt this conflicted in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and to not restrict to lose weight, because it seriously fucked me up. At night, I'll lay in bed thinking "Hey, I'll fast for a few days" Then I wake up and I'm life "Nah, fasting isn't healthy. Tie to just eat right!" But then through the day I've only had 1,000 calories an I end up feeling guilty for fucking eating.
What normal person feels guilty for doing something nessassary for survival? Fuck....this is fucked.
fuck fuck fuck....cussing helps me feel better, deal with it.
Okay so... -deep breath- Let's think about this. I, in my youthful exuberence, thought "I'll starve for a bit to lose weight then stop. It's only girls with anorexia who don't stop"
Then I lost 45 pounds and was like "Hey, that was easy. I'll lose ten more"
then BAM 20 pound weight gain for the chubber!! Then, on top of starving, I ate because I felt guilty for gaining weight and it was only THEN that I realized how fucked I was.
Underweight girls are "Anorexic"
Normal weight girls who vomit are "Bulimic"
Overweight girls who eat a lot are "Binge Eaters"
...then there's girls like me. A mixture of two or three of those things at a time. A girl too fat to me anorexic. Who doesn't vomit enough to be bulimic, and who restricts too many days out of the month to be a binge eater.
I knew a long time ago ehat I was just classifies as EDNOS "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" But it took a while (aka just recently) For me to really grasp how deep that goes. It doesn't mean I'm separate from those girls. That I'm different from them.
I AM THEM. And it fucking sucks. Normal girls don't think 1000 calories is a binge. Normal girls don't burn 200 calories and STILL think 800 calories is too much.
This was just a rant guys, sorry. It just...bugs me. I'm in a hole and I can't get out even if I pretend otherwise.
Well I don't. Because it hasn't fucking happened yet.
Fuck. I have NEVER felt this conflicted in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and to not restrict to lose weight, because it seriously fucked me up. At night, I'll lay in bed thinking "Hey, I'll fast for a few days" Then I wake up and I'm life "Nah, fasting isn't healthy. Tie to just eat right!" But then through the day I've only had 1,000 calories an I end up feeling guilty for fucking eating.
What normal person feels guilty for doing something nessassary for survival? Fuck....this is fucked.
fuck fuck fuck....cussing helps me feel better, deal with it.
Okay so... -deep breath- Let's think about this. I, in my youthful exuberence, thought "I'll starve for a bit to lose weight then stop. It's only girls with anorexia who don't stop"
Then I lost 45 pounds and was like "Hey, that was easy. I'll lose ten more"
then BAM 20 pound weight gain for the chubber!! Then, on top of starving, I ate because I felt guilty for gaining weight and it was only THEN that I realized how fucked I was.
Underweight girls are "Anorexic"
Normal weight girls who vomit are "Bulimic"
Overweight girls who eat a lot are "Binge Eaters"
...then there's girls like me. A mixture of two or three of those things at a time. A girl too fat to me anorexic. Who doesn't vomit enough to be bulimic, and who restricts too many days out of the month to be a binge eater.
I knew a long time ago ehat I was just classifies as EDNOS "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" But it took a while (aka just recently) For me to really grasp how deep that goes. It doesn't mean I'm separate from those girls. That I'm different from them.
I AM THEM. And it fucking sucks. Normal girls don't think 1000 calories is a binge. Normal girls don't burn 200 calories and STILL think 800 calories is too much.
This was just a rant guys, sorry. It just...bugs me. I'm in a hole and I can't get out even if I pretend otherwise.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Been a while
Hey lovelies. Let's just straight back into business shall we?
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, shame on me, I know. Still, 4,027 page views, holy fuck who is reading this shit?! LOL They may not have commented on anything, but people keep looking at my stuff. Interesting. Oh well who cares, hello.
Anyway, like I said, straight to business. I've fallen off the band wagon, oops? I can't even be mad at myself because it seems so normal. Trying to eat healthy was what felt weird. I felt like a cow. And although I didn't gain from it, I sure felt like I did.
A week or two ago I'd fasted for three days, which I've done before so it's pretty easy. Then I've been restricting. Maybe fast for a day, then more restricting.no a good idea. i know
(yes, i know, not a healthy mindset at all)
I get kind of sad sometimes when I watch other people. I've had to put my little brother on a diet. He's 15 and 215 pounds....yeah he's big. His tits are as big as mine. ANYWAY he's got a limit of 2,000 calories. Isn't that sad? 2,000 is a restriction for this kid cause he eats SO freaking much. To me, I was trying to eat 1,500 to 2,000 calories and I hated myself for it every day. Even though that's how normal people eat, ugh, hate it.
Kinda wish I could go back in time and make sure that I don't go down this road, but then I wouldn't have gotten any of the good habits I've picked up. Smaller plates, almond milk, vegetarian meats, not over eating on the junk food. I was 200 lbs when I started, I'd probably be 220 by now. So yeah...anyway. Enough for now
Love you all, later
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, shame on me, I know. Still, 4,027 page views, holy fuck who is reading this shit?! LOL They may not have commented on anything, but people keep looking at my stuff. Interesting. Oh well who cares, hello.
Anyway, like I said, straight to business. I've fallen off the band wagon, oops? I can't even be mad at myself because it seems so normal. Trying to eat healthy was what felt weird. I felt like a cow. And although I didn't gain from it, I sure felt like I did.
A week or two ago I'd fasted for three days, which I've done before so it's pretty easy. Then I've been restricting. Maybe fast for a day, then more restricting.no a good idea. i know
(yes, i know, not a healthy mindset at all)
I get kind of sad sometimes when I watch other people. I've had to put my little brother on a diet. He's 15 and 215 pounds....yeah he's big. His tits are as big as mine. ANYWAY he's got a limit of 2,000 calories. Isn't that sad? 2,000 is a restriction for this kid cause he eats SO freaking much. To me, I was trying to eat 1,500 to 2,000 calories and I hated myself for it every day. Even though that's how normal people eat, ugh, hate it.
Kinda wish I could go back in time and make sure that I don't go down this road, but then I wouldn't have gotten any of the good habits I've picked up. Smaller plates, almond milk, vegetarian meats, not over eating on the junk food. I was 200 lbs when I started, I'd probably be 220 by now. So yeah...anyway. Enough for now
Love you all, later
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Good times
I've breached the 160's again, finally. I wasn't kidding when I said
that I'd gained more weight. I went from 155 to 175. -shudder- I can't
believe I gained that much back. Oh well. I'm so happy. It's just that
much closer to getting back to where I was before.
Also. I found this and thought it fit pretty well, mostly. Lol
Also. I found this and thought it fit pretty well, mostly. Lol
Friday, July 27, 2012
Ice pops are for winners
I knew about them, Mmm they really hit the spot. My brother get's a certain kind that say 0 calorie. I don't trust that so I stick them at 5 calories each since...
-adjusts non existent glasses fr history lesson-
The FDA allows manufactures to label food items as 0 calories if said food items are less than 5 calories.So the 0 calorie 20 pack of gum could actually be 100 calories! BOOO FDA SUCKS!!!!
okay then. Yes, I love ice pops, they're so yummy. Props to Vampire <3
-adjusts non existent glasses fr history lesson-
The FDA allows manufactures to label food items as 0 calories if said food items are less than 5 calories.So the 0 calorie 20 pack of gum could actually be 100 calories! BOOO FDA SUCKS!!!!
okay then. Yes, I love ice pops, they're so yummy. Props to Vampire <3
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Cutie
Oh Vampire. you make me smile. ^.^ I'm kind of scared of it too, in a sense. I think it's mostly because I'm a virgin though. I dunno.
I don't find the book scary though. -evil grin-
Oh so let's see here. Today's a good day I think. I had some soup earlier. And I'm drinking some chai geen tea with honey. Mmmmmm. I'm getting a little hungry though now so I don't know what to eat. I'm at like 300 calories so I have quite a big to go for today to be a healthy day. -rubs chin-
I mean, I've eaten like... all the frozen fruit we have. I don't feel like making a salad. Maybe I'll make some muffins?......Actually that sounds kind of good.
BAKING TIME!!!
I don't find the book scary though. -evil grin-
Oh so let's see here. Today's a good day I think. I had some soup earlier. And I'm drinking some chai geen tea with honey. Mmmmmm. I'm getting a little hungry though now so I don't know what to eat. I'm at like 300 calories so I have quite a big to go for today to be a healthy day. -rubs chin-
I mean, I've eaten like... all the frozen fruit we have. I don't feel like making a salad. Maybe I'll make some muffins?......Actually that sounds kind of good.
BAKING TIME!!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sooooo..... heeheehee
Okay... Let's get this out of the way. I havent gained weight. I've been a good girl. I'm happy...mostly. So on and so forth.
Onward to the main topic!
Fifty Shades of Grey! Have you read it? No... READ IT. Oh my freaking God. That is the single most erotic book I've read in my life and I' only half way finished with it.
Let me give you a little run down of it so far.
Rich bossy guy.
Attraction
flirtation
sex contract
sex room (with lots and lots of toys)
Dom/Sub contract
Lots of sex
spanking
and that's where I am right now, haha.
Yeah... It's pretty great. Damn... This virgin thing really sucks. Lol! Oh well. I can day dream for now. So yeah, that's what I wanted to spot about. This book... yeah. It's got me all giddy. And there's two more books after it.
AND they want to turn it into a movie... yes please PLEASE!!!
Onward to the main topic!
Fifty Shades of Grey! Have you read it? No... READ IT. Oh my freaking God. That is the single most erotic book I've read in my life and I' only half way finished with it.
Let me give you a little run down of it so far.
Rich bossy guy.
Attraction
flirtation
sex contract
sex room (with lots and lots of toys)
Dom/Sub contract
Lots of sex
spanking
and that's where I am right now, haha.
Yeah... It's pretty great. Damn... This virgin thing really sucks. Lol! Oh well. I can day dream for now. So yeah, that's what I wanted to spot about. This book... yeah. It's got me all giddy. And there's two more books after it.
AND they want to turn it into a movie... yes please PLEASE!!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Post # 100 =)
Hi everyone! (or hi two people, judging from how many people I actually think read these) Well, it's my 100th post. How crazy!! I went back and reread everything I've written. Sheesh, it's been that long ago since I started this blog? I'm getting old.
Well, let's have a 100th post recap. ^.^ My sister is not a whore, and I'm sorry for ever even thinking that. Yeah, she was getting it on with her boyfriend in our bedroom, but he's the only guy she's even been with and they've been living together at his moms house for 6 months! So far, so good. I'm happy that it's working out because her boyfriend is a good guy.
Amber still sucks... moving on.
I'm still Pagan. (and i still love Christians, Lol) It's working out great and, in that aspect anyway, I'm happy.
My brother.... ugh. He's 14 now, almost 15 (kill me) and I finally agreed t help him eat healthier. Here's the kicker, he refuses to eat vegetables. yay.
Also, he got on the scale today. He's 215 pounds. O.O A 14 year old boy should not weigh that much.
So... yeah. I'm going to be keeping an eye on him. I laid down guide lines.
-No soda
-no chips
-no top ramen (he crunches it up and eats it raw like a snack, then makes a bowl of it in soup form to eat. That's around 800 calories by itself!)
-he's not allowed to take the golf cart to the neighbors anymore. He now has to walk.
I'm putting him at a 2000 calorie thing right now, since he's still growing and all. That's how much he needs. But I'm going to make sure the foods he gets it from are healthier than junk. That alone will help him.
Now, to the main event!..... I made a booboo. -_-;; Now... I didn't go over 2000 calories, BUUUUT I ate an entire bag of hot cheetos yesterday. (ducks from boo's and thrown rotten fruit) I'm sorry I'm sorry!! Even though I didn't go over 2000 (which is still over my limit, but that's the total cap I've given myself in case I make a booboo) But a whole bag of hot cheetos is HORRIBLE to eat I know. The fridge is stocked with fruits and vegetables... we even have a whole pineapple! Why didn't I eat healthier?
-rubs head- But, I got up from my pit of shame and dusted myself off. Today I've done a LOT better and I'm going to ignore yesterday and try not to make it happen again.
So... Yeah. Yay me! Lol
Well, let's have a 100th post recap. ^.^ My sister is not a whore, and I'm sorry for ever even thinking that. Yeah, she was getting it on with her boyfriend in our bedroom, but he's the only guy she's even been with and they've been living together at his moms house for 6 months! So far, so good. I'm happy that it's working out because her boyfriend is a good guy.
Amber still sucks... moving on.
I'm still Pagan. (and i still love Christians, Lol) It's working out great and, in that aspect anyway, I'm happy.
My brother.... ugh. He's 14 now, almost 15 (kill me) and I finally agreed t help him eat healthier. Here's the kicker, he refuses to eat vegetables. yay.
Also, he got on the scale today. He's 215 pounds. O.O A 14 year old boy should not weigh that much.
So... yeah. I'm going to be keeping an eye on him. I laid down guide lines.
-No soda
-no chips
-no top ramen (he crunches it up and eats it raw like a snack, then makes a bowl of it in soup form to eat. That's around 800 calories by itself!)
-he's not allowed to take the golf cart to the neighbors anymore. He now has to walk.
I'm putting him at a 2000 calorie thing right now, since he's still growing and all. That's how much he needs. But I'm going to make sure the foods he gets it from are healthier than junk. That alone will help him.
Now, to the main event!..... I made a booboo. -_-;; Now... I didn't go over 2000 calories, BUUUUT I ate an entire bag of hot cheetos yesterday. (ducks from boo's and thrown rotten fruit) I'm sorry I'm sorry!! Even though I didn't go over 2000 (which is still over my limit, but that's the total cap I've given myself in case I make a booboo) But a whole bag of hot cheetos is HORRIBLE to eat I know. The fridge is stocked with fruits and vegetables... we even have a whole pineapple! Why didn't I eat healthier?
-rubs head- But, I got up from my pit of shame and dusted myself off. Today I've done a LOT better and I'm going to ignore yesterday and try not to make it happen again.
So... Yeah. Yay me! Lol
Friday, June 22, 2012
Setbacks
Years ago, when i began over eating, then just a few years ago with it drastically flipped to hardly eating anything, I never really thought about the difficulties in...being normal again.
I would watch dozens of eating disorder / diet / obesity / and food documentaries online, and there was always someone who was trying to recover from their personal eating issues. I would think, pft. Come on, get over it already. You want to be healthy, so be healthy. Can't be that hard you know? Now that I'm living it, I totally get it. Binge eating, restricting, it's not something you can just vanquish over night.
Yesterday I ate so much that I didn't bother adding it all into the My Fitness Pal account I made. I don't even have friends on it, but I just didn't want to see the evidence. It was really bad after everyone went to sleep. Or did it? I don't even remember the calorie amount, because of how messed up my sense of normalcy is, It probably was just 2000 calories. That's NORMAL. But then again, it could have been 3 or 4000, I didn't count.
But that was yesterday. I'm over it. Decided to start new today and just put that behind me. Well fuck my life because it's 5:15 pm (17:15) and I've only had less than 250 calories. Around noon i had a bowl of cereal. That was it.
So yeah.. I'm starting to realize that keeping your mindset focused on "healthy" is really hard when you've dealt with such a warped sense of self for so long. I'm going to go find something to eat right now... then have dinner in a few hours. Since I stay up till 3 AM usually, I'll eat something else around 10 tonight too. Maybe that'll make up the calorie difference.
I would watch dozens of eating disorder / diet / obesity / and food documentaries online, and there was always someone who was trying to recover from their personal eating issues. I would think, pft. Come on, get over it already. You want to be healthy, so be healthy. Can't be that hard you know? Now that I'm living it, I totally get it. Binge eating, restricting, it's not something you can just vanquish over night.
Yesterday I ate so much that I didn't bother adding it all into the My Fitness Pal account I made. I don't even have friends on it, but I just didn't want to see the evidence. It was really bad after everyone went to sleep. Or did it? I don't even remember the calorie amount, because of how messed up my sense of normalcy is, It probably was just 2000 calories. That's NORMAL. But then again, it could have been 3 or 4000, I didn't count.
But that was yesterday. I'm over it. Decided to start new today and just put that behind me. Well fuck my life because it's 5:15 pm (17:15) and I've only had less than 250 calories. Around noon i had a bowl of cereal. That was it.
So yeah.. I'm starting to realize that keeping your mindset focused on "healthy" is really hard when you've dealt with such a warped sense of self for so long. I'm going to go find something to eat right now... then have dinner in a few hours. Since I stay up till 3 AM usually, I'll eat something else around 10 tonight too. Maybe that'll make up the calorie difference.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Unusual complications
=) Thank you vampire. You're such a sweetheart I swear. <3
I'm feeling a lot better now. Family, bah. Who needs them... Well... i do Lol! But not that side of the family.
I took another big step today. I deleted my myfitnesspal account. I'd had it for a long time and it was set with a max of 800 calories on it. Also, I had a lot of my ED friends on it so it didn't seem... right to keep it any more.
SO I made a new one! xD I'm all alone on it right now, but that's okay. I entered my information, set healthy realistic goals and there ya go. There's a downside though... I ate three times today and it still says I have over 1000 calories left to eat. O.O
This is gonna be hard, that's SO much food, omg!!!
Maybe I'll have a second dinner later on and have a veggie wrap with fruit on the side, that sounds really good...
But it's also like... only 400 calories for all of it. -hangs head- I'm not under eating, I swear, But.. just... holy crap dude. xD I'm going to need to eat double what I usually do......
Huh... could it be the only reason I was maintaining/gaining was because I was binging? I would say fasting did it too, but I never gained after a fast, I only gained like a week later because I ended up eating a billion pounds of food when everyone was sleeping. -rubs head- This is so weird...
Maybe I shouldn't work out? Well.. no because I want to tone up. Murr... so difficult, seriously. Okay. I'll have a veggie wrap, fruit and some soup! ... That's got to be at least 600 calories, right?
>.> -pouts- This is hard... I can't even tell when I'm hungry because of how I screwed myself up. Okay, but wait!.... It's not that bad. At least I'm eating. Better to struggle to eat to much than struggle to eat at all. Maybe later I'll have some hotcocoa too and a fruit smoothie or something!! ^.^ So far... I think today's okay. =) Yes, I do.
I'm feeling a lot better now. Family, bah. Who needs them... Well... i do Lol! But not that side of the family.
I took another big step today. I deleted my myfitnesspal account. I'd had it for a long time and it was set with a max of 800 calories on it. Also, I had a lot of my ED friends on it so it didn't seem... right to keep it any more.
SO I made a new one! xD I'm all alone on it right now, but that's okay. I entered my information, set healthy realistic goals and there ya go. There's a downside though... I ate three times today and it still says I have over 1000 calories left to eat. O.O
This is gonna be hard, that's SO much food, omg!!!
Maybe I'll have a second dinner later on and have a veggie wrap with fruit on the side, that sounds really good...
But it's also like... only 400 calories for all of it. -hangs head- I'm not under eating, I swear, But.. just... holy crap dude. xD I'm going to need to eat double what I usually do......
Huh... could it be the only reason I was maintaining/gaining was because I was binging? I would say fasting did it too, but I never gained after a fast, I only gained like a week later because I ended up eating a billion pounds of food when everyone was sleeping. -rubs head- This is so weird...
Maybe I shouldn't work out? Well.. no because I want to tone up. Murr... so difficult, seriously. Okay. I'll have a veggie wrap, fruit and some soup! ... That's got to be at least 600 calories, right?
>.> -pouts- This is hard... I can't even tell when I'm hungry because of how I screwed myself up. Okay, but wait!.... It's not that bad. At least I'm eating. Better to struggle to eat to much than struggle to eat at all. Maybe later I'll have some hotcocoa too and a fruit smoothie or something!! ^.^ So far... I think today's okay. =) Yes, I do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
:(
So, everyone on my dads side of the family forgot my birthday. Everyone. Not even a "Happy Birthday" on face book. It was a week ago. June 10th. On June 9th, I was over at my grandma's for my sisters graduation party. (keep this in mind)
Today, we went next door to my grandmas again for fathers day, to give grandpa a present and stuff. I walked in with my dress I got from mom for my birthday and some lady I don't even know goes "Nice coverup"
So I said "Thank you. Mom got it for my for my birthday." i was thinking. Hey, maybe if I casually bring it up, they'll remember and say "Oh, happy birthday!" No. Not one person out of the 12 people in the room said anything to me. Okay. Find what the fuck ever.
Apparently, between the time I left the room and was about to leave the house, dad told her that I thought she forgot my birthday. -rubs head- Dad, I know you meant well, but I wish you hadn't told her. I really really wish you hadn't.
I go to leave the house and my grandma stops me and in this really sad "poor you" tone says "I didn't forget your birthday hon. I didn't." She leads me back to her closet and gives me this pair of shoes that she bought for herself but her feet swell, so she can't wear them. They're like flip flops...but with a velcro strap on the top. -.-;; 3 year old shoes that she bought for herself. Thanks.
Then she takes my hand and goes "i got you a card a month and a half ago, but you're never here! I can't give it to you! And I put a twenty in it, but I had to take it out this morning because your dad didn't have any money."
... Um.... what?
Remember grandma? I was at your house the day before my birthday... for like 6 hours.
ALSO. She lied. Because I saw her rummaging around in the office in her "card" stash for a birthday card to sign and give me. Bull shit she bought it a month ago.
AND ALSO AGAIN, she insulted my dad, big time. The tone she had made it sound like "Again. he didn't have money again"
So not only did she forget my birthday, she lied about it and tried to make me feel like it was my fault for never visiting her that she felt bad. Dude, just admit that you forgot. It's freaking fine. I don't give a shit, everyone else forgot too!
Oh, except my nana...who lives four hours away. She remembered. And people from the east coast. They all remembered too. But it's fine for someone who lives next door to me. And people who live just a town away.
Sorry. I just had to rant. It may seem petty and stupid.. but it's not about the birthday. This is 23 years of shit spewing out. I don't even know why it still surprises me. -sigh-
Today, we went next door to my grandmas again for fathers day, to give grandpa a present and stuff. I walked in with my dress I got from mom for my birthday and some lady I don't even know goes "Nice coverup"
So I said "Thank you. Mom got it for my for my birthday." i was thinking. Hey, maybe if I casually bring it up, they'll remember and say "Oh, happy birthday!" No. Not one person out of the 12 people in the room said anything to me. Okay. Find what the fuck ever.
Apparently, between the time I left the room and was about to leave the house, dad told her that I thought she forgot my birthday. -rubs head- Dad, I know you meant well, but I wish you hadn't told her. I really really wish you hadn't.
I go to leave the house and my grandma stops me and in this really sad "poor you" tone says "I didn't forget your birthday hon. I didn't." She leads me back to her closet and gives me this pair of shoes that she bought for herself but her feet swell, so she can't wear them. They're like flip flops...but with a velcro strap on the top. -.-;; 3 year old shoes that she bought for herself. Thanks.
Then she takes my hand and goes "i got you a card a month and a half ago, but you're never here! I can't give it to you! And I put a twenty in it, but I had to take it out this morning because your dad didn't have any money."
... Um.... what?
Remember grandma? I was at your house the day before my birthday... for like 6 hours.
ALSO. She lied. Because I saw her rummaging around in the office in her "card" stash for a birthday card to sign and give me. Bull shit she bought it a month ago.
AND ALSO AGAIN, she insulted my dad, big time. The tone she had made it sound like "Again. he didn't have money again"
So not only did she forget my birthday, she lied about it and tried to make me feel like it was my fault for never visiting her that she felt bad. Dude, just admit that you forgot. It's freaking fine. I don't give a shit, everyone else forgot too!
Oh, except my nana...who lives four hours away. She remembered. And people from the east coast. They all remembered too. But it's fine for someone who lives next door to me. And people who live just a town away.
Sorry. I just had to rant. It may seem petty and stupid.. but it's not about the birthday. This is 23 years of shit spewing out. I don't even know why it still surprises me. -sigh-
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Dont worry 'bout a thing...
Hm... Well, my birthday was a few days ago. My grandparents forgot and have yet to even tell me "happy birthday" Oh well, it's not that big a deal. The people who mattered were the ones who bothered to know. =) I got this pretty dress that doubles as a skirt, which I love. Hippy skirt, yay!
My sister got me.... a er.... uh.... It's a trojan product. Lol. No not a condom... Well it came with one.. but I gave it away and kept the main gift int the box. Lol! okay fine, I'll say what it is. -shifty eyes- That vibrating touch thing. It feels SOOO weird to be honest. xD It's the first thing like that I've ever had so it's like... whoa. But after te first time I got the hang of it.
Works great btw.
I haven't been binging, YAY!!! Nore have I been restricting. I've been staying between 1,200 and 2000 calories a day, depending on how much walking around and working out I do. Tons of fruit, oodles of veg. I haven't eaten anything that was cooked in grease either so all in all, it's just a good day.
The only downfall... well no. I guess it's not even a downfall really. 200 calories worth of chips. Meh. that used to be HORRIBLE. 200 calories of ANYTHING was enough to make me want to curl up and die. Now i'm trying to look at it realistically. Pft. that's nothing really.
The good thing is that I can't drink any sodas but diet. They taste HORRIBLE now. All bitter an grainy.
In a ways this is bad too though, aspartame is poison, big time. -sigh- I wish carbonated water wasn't disgusting. I'd have it made then. Sometimes I just want something fizzy.
>.> it sucks.
Oh well though. Big picture, I'm drinking tons of fruit juice. Seriously, fruit is... just..yum. Lol. Best food ever.
I'm going to the lake next Tuesday with my friends, should be fun, I need to find some white shorts of mine to wear, cause I'm not going to walk around in just bikini bottoms. I get a serious case of razor burn in the front and flab town in the back. xD I'm working on it. So, shorts!!
It'll be fun. ( ^w^ )Vm...........that's a happy face with a pease sign...btw.. -snort-
My sister got me.... a er.... uh.... It's a trojan product. Lol. No not a condom... Well it came with one.. but I gave it away and kept the main gift int the box. Lol! okay fine, I'll say what it is. -shifty eyes- That vibrating touch thing. It feels SOOO weird to be honest. xD It's the first thing like that I've ever had so it's like... whoa. But after te first time I got the hang of it.
Works great btw.
I haven't been binging, YAY!!! Nore have I been restricting. I've been staying between 1,200 and 2000 calories a day, depending on how much walking around and working out I do. Tons of fruit, oodles of veg. I haven't eaten anything that was cooked in grease either so all in all, it's just a good day.
The only downfall... well no. I guess it's not even a downfall really. 200 calories worth of chips. Meh. that used to be HORRIBLE. 200 calories of ANYTHING was enough to make me want to curl up and die. Now i'm trying to look at it realistically. Pft. that's nothing really.
The good thing is that I can't drink any sodas but diet. They taste HORRIBLE now. All bitter an grainy.
In a ways this is bad too though, aspartame is poison, big time. -sigh- I wish carbonated water wasn't disgusting. I'd have it made then. Sometimes I just want something fizzy.
>.> it sucks.
Oh well though. Big picture, I'm drinking tons of fruit juice. Seriously, fruit is... just..yum. Lol. Best food ever.
I'm going to the lake next Tuesday with my friends, should be fun, I need to find some white shorts of mine to wear, cause I'm not going to walk around in just bikini bottoms. I get a serious case of razor burn in the front and flab town in the back. xD I'm working on it. So, shorts!!
It'll be fun. ( ^w^ )Vm...........that's a happy face with a pease sign...btw.. -snort-
Monday, June 11, 2012
It's seriously time to rethink some shit.
Okay, Here's what I'm thinking...
I need to stop this ed shit. It wont be easy, for sure. I still eat way less than I should on some days, and way the hell more than four people should on others. I'm going to try to level it all out, eat healthier, the whole thing. I have half a bottle of diet pills left, I'm going to throw those away.
Luckily, I haven't used lax in about a year, so that's not even a temptation any more.
The hardest thing is going to be when I look at myself in the mirror and think "Meh, I can just stop eating anf fix that shit" no. NO Bad Bobbi BAD! I'm not fat. I'm not I'm not I'm not. I just have to keep telling myself that. I can squeeze into size 8 pants for Christ sake! Medium shirts and size 8-10 pants is not fat.
So. Here it goes. I'm not going to starve myself for 2-3 days at a time. I wont use pills and I wont restrict down to 500 calories a day like I used to. If I keep going like this I'm going to have a heart attack... and I can't afford that crap! I'm at 165 pounds. I'm 5'10" That's not bad at all....-wince-
I'm going to up my goal weight from 120 to 150, which is in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I am going to try to get t there ( THE RIGHT WAY) and not fuck it up afterwards.
-sigh- It's so difficult. I know it's going to be hard. I've had this mind set before and slipped back into old habits... but now I have a role model who's totally doing it right. That's what I need to be doing it, the right way. Not a way has proven to kill people as fast as obesity.
So yeah. I'm going to try to level things out a little bit. put a little balance in my life. It's past time for me to grow up and seriously rethink some shit.
I'll still be blogging, no worries. So...feel free to yell at me if I start to veer off course in the future.
I need to stop this ed shit. It wont be easy, for sure. I still eat way less than I should on some days, and way the hell more than four people should on others. I'm going to try to level it all out, eat healthier, the whole thing. I have half a bottle of diet pills left, I'm going to throw those away.
Luckily, I haven't used lax in about a year, so that's not even a temptation any more.
The hardest thing is going to be when I look at myself in the mirror and think "Meh, I can just stop eating anf fix that shit" no. NO Bad Bobbi BAD! I'm not fat. I'm not I'm not I'm not. I just have to keep telling myself that. I can squeeze into size 8 pants for Christ sake! Medium shirts and size 8-10 pants is not fat.
So. Here it goes. I'm not going to starve myself for 2-3 days at a time. I wont use pills and I wont restrict down to 500 calories a day like I used to. If I keep going like this I'm going to have a heart attack... and I can't afford that crap! I'm at 165 pounds. I'm 5'10" That's not bad at all....-wince-
I'm going to up my goal weight from 120 to 150, which is in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I am going to try to get t there ( THE RIGHT WAY) and not fuck it up afterwards.
-sigh- It's so difficult. I know it's going to be hard. I've had this mind set before and slipped back into old habits... but now I have a role model who's totally doing it right. That's what I need to be doing it, the right way. Not a way has proven to kill people as fast as obesity.
So yeah. I'm going to try to level things out a little bit. put a little balance in my life. It's past time for me to grow up and seriously rethink some shit.
I'll still be blogging, no worries. So...feel free to yell at me if I start to veer off course in the future.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Lalalalala my family is insane...
okay so let's go through the run down right now. I'm 23. No job. No license (I have a car though) No college, living at home.
...Oh well. Could be worse right? At least I help out around here. I'd feel worse if my folks wanted to leave...but last time i moved out my mom cried every day until I came home. I'll ask dad to look at some houses online with me and he keeps telling me no. It could be a worse situation.
My sister's 18 now and she moved out six months ago. She's been living with her boyfriend and they're doing great >.>murr.
Me My sister
My mom and dad... I'm not getting into that.
My brother..who is obese and has broken 4 bones in the past 4 months (I'm assuming from his poor diet) is almost 15.... oh my gawd -.-;;
He's white possibly the most retarded human being ever.
OKAY He got sunburned super super bad the other day. He looked like a lobster. BUT it was going away and today he wakes up and is only a little pink. He starts flitting out, saying that it burns! It's burns! He put aloe on it before I woke up and claimed that made it worse, so he showered it off....then spent the next t hour running back and forth in the house whining/crying really high-pitched (that's what I woke up to). I go up and asked if he used aloe and he flipped out and screamed at me to shut up....I should have slapped him right on his back >=D
He's fine now, but holy shit, that kid is the biggest drama queen in the world. I got so sunburnt that I have blister scars on my shoulder and I didn't complain anywhere as bad as he just did. Little retard.
Okay, back to me. I've been to scared to weight myself. I have a feeling that I've stayed at a constant weight though... I hope. Still no significant other. Meh... I don't like people so I guess that's okay. It would be great to have a girlfriend though -.- Oh well. I can't deal with the shame of not being able to drive while I still live up here in the mountains... makes it pretty much impossible to do anything.
Chalk it up to another oh well...
...WANT -sigh-
...Oh well. Could be worse right? At least I help out around here. I'd feel worse if my folks wanted to leave...but last time i moved out my mom cried every day until I came home. I'll ask dad to look at some houses online with me and he keeps telling me no. It could be a worse situation.
My sister's 18 now and she moved out six months ago. She's been living with her boyfriend and they're doing great >.>murr.
My mom and dad... I'm not getting into that.
My brother..who is obese and has broken 4 bones in the past 4 months (I'm assuming from his poor diet) is almost 15.... oh my gawd -.-;;
He's white possibly the most retarded human being ever.
OKAY He got sunburned super super bad the other day. He looked like a lobster. BUT it was going away and today he wakes up and is only a little pink. He starts flitting out, saying that it burns! It's burns! He put aloe on it before I woke up and claimed that made it worse, so he showered it off....then spent the next t hour running back and forth in the house whining/crying really high-pitched (that's what I woke up to). I go up and asked if he used aloe and he flipped out and screamed at me to shut up....I should have slapped him right on his back >=D
He's fine now, but holy shit, that kid is the biggest drama queen in the world. I got so sunburnt that I have blister scars on my shoulder and I didn't complain anywhere as bad as he just did. Little retard.
Okay, back to me. I've been to scared to weight myself. I have a feeling that I've stayed at a constant weight though... I hope. Still no significant other. Meh... I don't like people so I guess that's okay. It would be great to have a girlfriend though -.- Oh well. I can't deal with the shame of not being able to drive while I still live up here in the mountains... makes it pretty much impossible to do anything.
Chalk it up to another oh well...
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Fasting
I'm well into day3 of my fast. I'll tell you what, I feel sick. Sick and achey and tired, ugh. I just want to go eat something, anything. Even the full fat meat extravaganza my mom made for breakfast.
I didn't though. And when I do break the fast, I'm going to use liquids and soup the first day, and work my way up. I'd kill for some top ramen right now. -sigh-
So yeah. I'm down 5 pounds since I started. Not bad for only three days. 15 more pounds to go.... someone shoot me please. -sigh-
I didn't though. And when I do break the fast, I'm going to use liquids and soup the first day, and work my way up. I'd kill for some top ramen right now. -sigh-
So yeah. I'm down 5 pounds since I started. Not bad for only three days. 15 more pounds to go.... someone shoot me please. -sigh-
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Report Time
okay. I'm closing in on the 48 hour mark in my fast. I think tomorrow is going to be the hardest day, today's been pretty easy actually. I felt sick once because I took my multivitamin on an empty stomach, but that went away after a few minutes and I'm happily sucking back water and diet dr pepper.
If I'm not too tired tomorrow, I'm going to try some pushups. Nothing big, I doubt I'll even want to get out of bed, lol.
As of now, I'm down 2 pounds...but i weigh in the morning and I haven't weighed myself with my clothes off, so It might be three by now? I don't know. Point is, it's working like it should.
Edit: 4 pounds in two days. Fuck yeah
If I'm not too tired tomorrow, I'm going to try some pushups. Nothing big, I doubt I'll even want to get out of bed, lol.
As of now, I'm down 2 pounds...but i weigh in the morning and I haven't weighed myself with my clothes off, so It might be three by now? I don't know. Point is, it's working like it should.
Edit: 4 pounds in two days. Fuck yeah
Friday, May 25, 2012
I'm back bitches
Finally. Not just the blog, but in my control. I haven't had a calorie in 24 hours. I'm going to try for three days, (I have appetite suppressants). An once I get there, if my hunger goes away I'm going to fast until June 10th. That's my birthday.
I'm tired of this crap. Always eating, thinking about food. It's because I'm bored. I live in the country without a car...not much to do but eat, you know? I'm reading more and stuff so that's helped take my mind off of food. So far so good.
I'll be updating how much I've lost. And if it's a decent amount by the time I break my fast, I'll start posting my weight on here again. Right now, I'm too ashamed.
No, to the people who are actually reading this. I missed you guys.
I saw your comment, Mango, lol, yes you were able to post it.
Hm, let's see. New stuff in my life... Pretty much nothing. Haha. I've been growing my hair our. I got a tan up by the lake... Ugh. It was fun and all, but I felt horrible the whole time. It was super hot, so I wore shorts for the first time in a year and my legs.....wow. Nothing but solid fat. Ew ew ew. I can't even look at the pictures. -rubs head-
So yeah. Last time I truly saw how fat I was, I lost 50 pounds. Now seeing how my legs look, I'm kick starting myself our of the binging I've been doing. I'd rather eat nothing than 4000 calories a day like I've been doing.
I'm tired of this crap. Always eating, thinking about food. It's because I'm bored. I live in the country without a car...not much to do but eat, you know? I'm reading more and stuff so that's helped take my mind off of food. So far so good.
I'll be updating how much I've lost. And if it's a decent amount by the time I break my fast, I'll start posting my weight on here again. Right now, I'm too ashamed.
No, to the people who are actually reading this. I missed you guys.
I saw your comment, Mango, lol, yes you were able to post it.
Hm, let's see. New stuff in my life... Pretty much nothing. Haha. I've been growing my hair our. I got a tan up by the lake... Ugh. It was fun and all, but I felt horrible the whole time. It was super hot, so I wore shorts for the first time in a year and my legs.....wow. Nothing but solid fat. Ew ew ew. I can't even look at the pictures. -rubs head-
So yeah. Last time I truly saw how fat I was, I lost 50 pounds. Now seeing how my legs look, I'm kick starting myself our of the binging I've been doing. I'd rather eat nothing than 4000 calories a day like I've been doing.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Merry-go-round
That's what my family life feels like. Just going around and around. Dad was an ass, mom took off, gee, it's been almost two months since it last happened. -.-;;
It's 9 at night and mom finished dinner. yeah, it's late, so what? Don't be a total scum dick about it. Don't make my mother feel like you'd be better off with a new wife because you're eating at 9.
God damn he's such a fucking asshole. I hate him sometimes.
It's 9 at night and mom finished dinner. yeah, it's late, so what? Don't be a total scum dick about it. Don't make my mother feel like you'd be better off with a new wife because you're eating at 9.
God damn he's such a fucking asshole. I hate him sometimes.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Onward (pics)
HI everyone! Some news.
1. I talked to amber finally and I don't hate her... as much i guess. She seemed happy even if she rushed into this and is now living in a trailer on her folks yard...whatever.
2. I've got a pagan thing coming up (i know most of you are Christian so i wont go into it ^.^) The point is, I'm going to do a two week detox to get ready. No meat, no dairy. Only water, tea, fruits and vegetables. More yoga. In addition to detoxing, maybe it'll help me kick my weight loss back into gear.
3.....I MISSED STAR WARS DAY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh well, May the 4th be with you. heehee
4. SUPER MOON!! omg, did yu guys see it?! It was amazing last night (the 5th) I got some pictures, here!!
1. I talked to amber finally and I don't hate her... as much i guess. She seemed happy even if she rushed into this and is now living in a trailer on her folks yard...whatever.
2. I've got a pagan thing coming up (i know most of you are Christian so i wont go into it ^.^) The point is, I'm going to do a two week detox to get ready. No meat, no dairy. Only water, tea, fruits and vegetables. More yoga. In addition to detoxing, maybe it'll help me kick my weight loss back into gear.
3.....I MISSED STAR WARS DAY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh well, May the 4th be with you. heehee
4. SUPER MOON!! omg, did yu guys see it?! It was amazing last night (the 5th) I got some pictures, here!!
This is me. I didn't alter this picture, isn't that moon sooo bright? I love it. =)
Well, hm, what else what else... I'm going to see the Avengers....oops, I mean the Hunger Games. Ugh -,- My friends got me a free ticket, so I'm going with them to see the hunger games, I'd MUCH rather see the Avengers. Comic movies trump almost anything else for me ...I'm a nerd I know.
Well, this is me now. Hm...I can't think of anything else for today. Havea god one you guys!
Monday, April 30, 2012
So over it; Ex friends, cute kids and ... Grown up topics.
I'm feeling a little better today. The night I posted my last entry I cried, and you know, now I'm not that upset about my "friend". I can think about her now without the extreme hate, now it's just a removed observance. It sure took long enough to get here, Lol.
I'm not going to be posting my weight for a while because I'm ashamed of it, so... Yeah.
So anyway, One of my actual friends just turned 23 a few days ago, her party was so fun, here were a few little babies there that we played with. ^.^ And for me (cause I'm not much of a baby person) there was a toddler who I just adored there to play with. I tell ya, some kids are too cute for their own good.
On that note, I'm thinking about buying a vibrator. -gasp- an adult content topic!! Don't like it then get out; I'm super cereal about that. ;) There's a few that I've been looking at, now I just need the money, Lol. They're pretty though, just saying. And unlike my sister I plan on cleaning it (ewwww) I know right? And she wonders why she gets UTI's. -shrug- Oh well, that's her deal. She's moved out and all that, I'm sure she'll figure it out eventually.
Hm, what else is there... Meh. Here, enjoy some thingspo.
I'm not going to be posting my weight for a while because I'm ashamed of it, so... Yeah.
So anyway, One of my actual friends just turned 23 a few days ago, her party was so fun, here were a few little babies there that we played with. ^.^ And for me (cause I'm not much of a baby person) there was a toddler who I just adored there to play with. I tell ya, some kids are too cute for their own good.
On that note, I'm thinking about buying a vibrator. -gasp- an adult content topic!! Don't like it then get out; I'm super cereal about that. ;) There's a few that I've been looking at, now I just need the money, Lol. They're pretty though, just saying. And unlike my sister I plan on cleaning it (ewwww) I know right? And she wonders why she gets UTI's. -shrug- Oh well, that's her deal. She's moved out and all that, I'm sure she'll figure it out eventually.
Hm, what else is there... Meh. Here, enjoy some thingspo.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Realization's such a bitch...
So I had this friend. This best friend.
All through out high school we were close-knit, you know? We used to like the same things, we did everything together even though we were so different looking. She was petite and pretty, with brown hair and blue eyes. I was this tall lardy thing with mud-blonde hair and pond water green eyes.
Despite that, we were friends.
Then her family switched Churches. She distanced herself little by little. She stopped role playing with me because she felt that it was taking away from her worship. I didn't make a big deal about it. I agreed and tol her if there was anything else I could do to help her out to let me know.
Then we couldn't listen to the same music anymore. My music was sinful. Then the TV shows. The the books. I had to constantly alter how I acted around her in order to be respectful to her family. Which I didn't mind. I have to do that all the time anyway, but whatever,
Then we graduated and she couldn't go anywhere with us anymore because it was usually on Saturday, which was her Sabbath. We all brushed that off and made other plans with her, which she would cancel again.
Then we turned 21 and drinking while she was with us made her uncomfortable, so we stopped doing that as well.
Then I started dating a mutual friend of ours. Colin. All of that drama is back near the beginning of this blog. Anyway, she stopped talking to me for a few months because she didn't like it. We got over that though kind of... But then our friend wanted me to change, so I dumped him. Amber stopped talking to me again off and on.
Then I told my ex a bunch of things in an email a year later when he felt like he could "stand to talk to me again". I have a strong feeling that he told my friend.
She ignored me again. I noticed that she got a boyfriend so I sent her a message saying congrats and asking where hey met and what his name was a stuff.
No reply.
Six months later, and formally EX'ed on her friendship scale, I find out she's engaged.
Ouch. Our most innocent friend is the first to get married. My BEST friend. well... my ex best friend.
She was engaged for about a month after she started dating him six months ago.
I looked at my computer date just now and realized... She got married yesterday. A small ceremony at her house for close friends and family only.
None of us got so much as an announcement.
They're going to Europe soon for their honeymoon.
I've never felt more useless and horrible as a human being as I do right now. I know it may seem trvial.
"Who cares? She seems mean or shallow or sheltered"
"Who cares? That's totally high school stuff."
"It's not a big deal"
It is to me. She used to be my best friend... And now I think I hate her.
So that's it. Amber got everything she ever wanted. She gets to live the happily ever after.
And I've gained back 15 pounds, have no job and the only relationships I've ever had have ended up disastrous. I can't look back at anything I've done in my life with fondness.
I'm only 22, I shouldn't want to give up on everything good in life already, but i feel like I already have.
And a side note, no I'm not suicidal. I love my family too much to hurt them like that. It just sucks. I feel like a bag of shit.
All through out high school we were close-knit, you know? We used to like the same things, we did everything together even though we were so different looking. She was petite and pretty, with brown hair and blue eyes. I was this tall lardy thing with mud-blonde hair and pond water green eyes.
Despite that, we were friends.
Then her family switched Churches. She distanced herself little by little. She stopped role playing with me because she felt that it was taking away from her worship. I didn't make a big deal about it. I agreed and tol her if there was anything else I could do to help her out to let me know.
Then we couldn't listen to the same music anymore. My music was sinful. Then the TV shows. The the books. I had to constantly alter how I acted around her in order to be respectful to her family. Which I didn't mind. I have to do that all the time anyway, but whatever,
Then we graduated and she couldn't go anywhere with us anymore because it was usually on Saturday, which was her Sabbath. We all brushed that off and made other plans with her, which she would cancel again.
Then we turned 21 and drinking while she was with us made her uncomfortable, so we stopped doing that as well.
Then I started dating a mutual friend of ours. Colin. All of that drama is back near the beginning of this blog. Anyway, she stopped talking to me for a few months because she didn't like it. We got over that though kind of... But then our friend wanted me to change, so I dumped him. Amber stopped talking to me again off and on.
Then I told my ex a bunch of things in an email a year later when he felt like he could "stand to talk to me again". I have a strong feeling that he told my friend.
She ignored me again. I noticed that she got a boyfriend so I sent her a message saying congrats and asking where hey met and what his name was a stuff.
No reply.
Six months later, and formally EX'ed on her friendship scale, I find out she's engaged.
Ouch. Our most innocent friend is the first to get married. My BEST friend. well... my ex best friend.
She was engaged for about a month after she started dating him six months ago.
I looked at my computer date just now and realized... She got married yesterday. A small ceremony at her house for close friends and family only.
None of us got so much as an announcement.
They're going to Europe soon for their honeymoon.
I've never felt more useless and horrible as a human being as I do right now. I know it may seem trvial.
"Who cares? She seems mean or shallow or sheltered"
"Who cares? That's totally high school stuff."
"It's not a big deal"
It is to me. She used to be my best friend... And now I think I hate her.
So that's it. Amber got everything she ever wanted. She gets to live the happily ever after.
And I've gained back 15 pounds, have no job and the only relationships I've ever had have ended up disastrous. I can't look back at anything I've done in my life with fondness.
I'm only 22, I shouldn't want to give up on everything good in life already, but i feel like I already have.
And a side note, no I'm not suicidal. I love my family too much to hurt them like that. It just sucks. I feel like a bag of shit.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Imagine you're a 13 year old girl...
Picture you're a 13 year old girl. Just starting puberty, gaining weight when you used to be nice and slim. It makes you develop an eating disorder.
The ED screws with your mental and emotional state and you begin to cut yourself.
Say you get an ED facebook account and a friend you had made in it deletes you because you're just a kid. It happens a lot, shouldn't be a big deal. But you're having stability problems. You're starving yourself and cutting yourself and it's made you emotionally unstable on TOP of the puberty hormones and confusion that you're dealing with.
Out of anger, you cut yourself again and accuse the girl who deleted you. Something any teenager would do (if they were cutting). And amid the people trying to reassure you that, yes you are too young to have to worry about food like you are, there are people who defend the girl who deleted you.
And they're not kind. They use cuss words and call you ridiculous names. When it's all over you've been called an attention seeking fat cow. A douschecanoe. You've had to read through all of these comments of people fighting back and forth and you can't make sense of it.
You're 13. You think you're an adult. You're not too young. You're stable.
But you don't know that you're wrong. You're a child. You're confused, unstable, unsure. Everyone is at that age. And only a few people can see that. The people who are attacking you are taking your words at face value.
"If you're so grown up, then act like it."
But you can't. Because you're not grown up. You're still a little girl. Not even grown. And because you can't, they don't stop.
Now pretend you're you again. And you're reading all of those comments and seeing a young girl cutting herself because she's hurt. Because older women are callling her out and she isn't old enough to do anything logical about it. The whole thing is emotional.
Would you not be upset? Would you not just ask..."hey. please don't call her that. please don't use that language. "
I did. And I got "She claims she's grown up. she should be able to handle it."
I ask you, why can't people stop and think rationally. Just for a moment go "This is just a girl. She's in a complicated stage in her life and wants to belong. She's unhealthy and she hurts herself when she's too emotional. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so mean to her. Maybe I should just say things rationally?"
is it too hard? =(
The ED screws with your mental and emotional state and you begin to cut yourself.
Say you get an ED facebook account and a friend you had made in it deletes you because you're just a kid. It happens a lot, shouldn't be a big deal. But you're having stability problems. You're starving yourself and cutting yourself and it's made you emotionally unstable on TOP of the puberty hormones and confusion that you're dealing with.
Out of anger, you cut yourself again and accuse the girl who deleted you. Something any teenager would do (if they were cutting). And amid the people trying to reassure you that, yes you are too young to have to worry about food like you are, there are people who defend the girl who deleted you.
And they're not kind. They use cuss words and call you ridiculous names. When it's all over you've been called an attention seeking fat cow. A douschecanoe. You've had to read through all of these comments of people fighting back and forth and you can't make sense of it.
You're 13. You think you're an adult. You're not too young. You're stable.
But you don't know that you're wrong. You're a child. You're confused, unstable, unsure. Everyone is at that age. And only a few people can see that. The people who are attacking you are taking your words at face value.
"If you're so grown up, then act like it."
But you can't. Because you're not grown up. You're still a little girl. Not even grown. And because you can't, they don't stop.
Now pretend you're you again. And you're reading all of those comments and seeing a young girl cutting herself because she's hurt. Because older women are callling her out and she isn't old enough to do anything logical about it. The whole thing is emotional.
Would you not be upset? Would you not just ask..."hey. please don't call her that. please don't use that language. "
I did. And I got "She claims she's grown up. she should be able to handle it."
I ask you, why can't people stop and think rationally. Just for a moment go "This is just a girl. She's in a complicated stage in her life and wants to belong. She's unhealthy and she hurts herself when she's too emotional. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so mean to her. Maybe I should just say things rationally?"
is it too hard? =(
Saturday, March 17, 2012
News and pics
I'm at 164, so down two pounds since my last update. Hopefully 3 by tomorrow morning. I have this weird...fitness mat thing that you can hook up to a tv set now. It has all kinds of stuff on it, running, yoga, games, dancing. So I'll give it a try. It was 50 bucks but marked down to 10 so hey, why not right?
So this is me. Pretty bad huh?
This is the body I want. So prefect. Maybe with time. -sigh-
So this is me. Pretty bad huh?
This is the body I want. So prefect. Maybe with time. -sigh-
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Back in the hang of things.
You ever feel that burn? That burn where walking makes you knees buckle and it hurts to lift your arms? That burn where sitting up cramps you stomach? Yeah, I have that burn. GOD i love it.
After walking for an hour, I did 8 minutes straight of crunches,
5 minutes of squats
5 minutes of my shake weight
and 3 minutes of pushups.
May not sound like much but it was enough to burn. I plan on at least another 10 minutes of something in a few hours. Tomorrow that burn's going to be worse and I can't wait.
I'm at 166 right now. My friend invited me to go to the coast the coast in a month. I want to lose at LEAST 10 pounds by then. I'm going to push for 20 though. Here's hoping.
After walking for an hour, I did 8 minutes straight of crunches,
5 minutes of squats
5 minutes of my shake weight
and 3 minutes of pushups.
May not sound like much but it was enough to burn. I plan on at least another 10 minutes of something in a few hours. Tomorrow that burn's going to be worse and I can't wait.
I'm at 166 right now. My friend invited me to go to the coast the coast in a month. I want to lose at LEAST 10 pounds by then. I'm going to push for 20 though. Here's hoping.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Hope you're not in a happy mood.
Well, I just had myelf a good cry. I wish it was about my ED. I WISH it was something that simple. Where it would only be my issue. But nope...
The news does a pretty good job at giving people the blues. You know, those stories about rapes and murders, car thefts and what-not. But as much as I hate those stories, I didn't want to see a video of a little boy who was hit with shrapnel in Syria. He was just a little guy, in his home with his family and one of those damned bombs hit nearby and just. It showed him stuggling to breath as people tried to help him. Then they stopped trying and it was kind of obvious... That little boy was going to die... For no reason. And his dad was holding him after he was gone and just.... Just horrific.
How many children died like that? Scared to death, knowing they were dying and in horrible pain. Without any medical attention able to come and help. Millions, Billions. God... Just seeing the dad holding his son and asking "Why?" ... I just...don't understand. I know it's a cruel world... but why do so many innocent children die? Starving to death, or caught in the cross-fire of war. Murdered, abducted, abused, raped.
How can everyone else Myself included, be so ignorant to it all? I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like the scum of the earth and I don't even have enough money to donate to help them. My family is at the poverty line and I'm always wishing for more.
At least I can eat. And even I don't do that. I starved myself to lose pounds, and they're begging for scraps to gain some.
At least I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep at night, or being scared that the bombs are getting too close. I feel so shallow and horrible.
So...yeah. I would just thought I'd share. I had to tell someone about that poor little boy. I don't even know his name... Why didn't the News people at least try to find out his name? God...
The news does a pretty good job at giving people the blues. You know, those stories about rapes and murders, car thefts and what-not. But as much as I hate those stories, I didn't want to see a video of a little boy who was hit with shrapnel in Syria. He was just a little guy, in his home with his family and one of those damned bombs hit nearby and just. It showed him stuggling to breath as people tried to help him. Then they stopped trying and it was kind of obvious... That little boy was going to die... For no reason. And his dad was holding him after he was gone and just.... Just horrific.
How many children died like that? Scared to death, knowing they were dying and in horrible pain. Without any medical attention able to come and help. Millions, Billions. God... Just seeing the dad holding his son and asking "Why?" ... I just...don't understand. I know it's a cruel world... but why do so many innocent children die? Starving to death, or caught in the cross-fire of war. Murdered, abducted, abused, raped.
How can everyone else Myself included, be so ignorant to it all? I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like the scum of the earth and I don't even have enough money to donate to help them. My family is at the poverty line and I'm always wishing for more.
At least I can eat. And even I don't do that. I starved myself to lose pounds, and they're begging for scraps to gain some.
At least I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep at night, or being scared that the bombs are getting too close. I feel so shallow and horrible.
So...yeah. I would just thought I'd share. I had to tell someone about that poor little boy. I don't even know his name... Why didn't the News people at least try to find out his name? God...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
New stuff happened.
Happy new year people. It's late, yeah yeah I know.
Okay, let's see, a quick re-hash. My whore teen sister turned 18 and moved out to live with her boyfriends family a few days later. So I have my own room. It's pretty great actually.
I house sit for some people and they paid me 230 bucks...which is more than I've ad in a long time. I need to buy a rug (since my brother spilled soda on my carpet a year ago) a clock, maybe some posters or whatever. A birthday present for my mom next month and some new bedding. Maybe a chair in there too..and more books.
I've been too scared to weigh myself for almost a month, I haven't been eating more but...well I don't need to explain to to you, do I? Lol. I'll do it tomorrow or something. Bleh.
I'm thinking of touching my dark blonde roots up with a lighter color, then do some red streaks throughout my hair. I'm not sure though, what if it looks like crap? I'll figure something out I'm sure. So, yeah other than that, January hasn't been a very eventful month for me.
Okay, let's see, a quick re-hash. My whore teen sister turned 18 and moved out to live with her boyfriends family a few days later. So I have my own room. It's pretty great actually.
I house sit for some people and they paid me 230 bucks...which is more than I've ad in a long time. I need to buy a rug (since my brother spilled soda on my carpet a year ago) a clock, maybe some posters or whatever. A birthday present for my mom next month and some new bedding. Maybe a chair in there too..and more books.
I've been too scared to weigh myself for almost a month, I haven't been eating more but...well I don't need to explain to to you, do I? Lol. I'll do it tomorrow or something. Bleh.
I'm thinking of touching my dark blonde roots up with a lighter color, then do some red streaks throughout my hair. I'm not sure though, what if it looks like crap? I'll figure something out I'm sure. So, yeah other than that, January hasn't been a very eventful month for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)