Monday, August 20, 2012

ednos blows

So hey guys. Do you ever remember a time when things just weren't going your way? like, you were trying to change them, and it didn't work. But then slowly, over time, it became the way you wanted it and you were happy?

Well I don't. Because it hasn't fucking happened yet.

Fuck. I have NEVER felt this conflicted in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and to not restrict to lose weight, because it seriously fucked me up. At night, I'll lay in bed thinking "Hey, I'll fast for a few days" Then I wake up and I'm life "Nah, fasting isn't healthy. Tie to just eat right!" But then through the day I've only had 1,000 calories an I end up feeling guilty for fucking eating.

What normal person feels guilty for doing something nessassary for survival? Fuck....this is fucked.

fuck fuck fuck....cussing helps me feel better, deal with it.

Okay so... -deep breath- Let's think about this. I, in my youthful exuberence, thought "I'll starve for a bit to lose weight then stop. It's only girls with anorexia who don't stop"

Then I lost 45 pounds and was like "Hey, that was easy. I'll lose ten more"

then BAM 20 pound weight gain for the chubber!! Then, on top of starving, I ate because I felt guilty for gaining weight and it was only THEN that I realized how fucked I was.

Underweight girls are "Anorexic"

Normal weight girls who vomit are "Bulimic"

Overweight girls who eat a lot are  "Binge Eaters"

...then there's girls like me. A mixture of two or three of those things at a time. A girl too fat to me anorexic. Who doesn't vomit enough to be bulimic, and who restricts too many days out of the month to be a binge eater.

I knew a long time ago ehat I was just classifies as EDNOS "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" But it took a while (aka just recently) For me to really grasp how deep that goes. It doesn't mean I'm separate from those girls. That I'm different from them.

I AM THEM. And it fucking sucks. Normal girls don't think 1000 calories is a binge. Normal girls don't burn 200 calories and STILL think 800 calories is too much.

This was just a rant guys, sorry. It just...bugs me. I'm in a hole and I can't get out even if I pretend otherwise.











Saturday, August 18, 2012

Been a while

Hey lovelies. Let's just straight back into business shall we?

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, shame on me, I know. Still, 4,027 page views, holy fuck who is reading this shit?! LOL They may not have commented on anything, but people keep looking at my stuff. Interesting. Oh well who cares, hello.

Anyway, like I said, straight to business. I've fallen off the band wagon, oops? I can't even be mad at myself because it seems so normal. Trying to eat healthy was what felt weird. I felt like a cow. And although I didn't gain from it, I sure felt like I did.

A week or two ago I'd fasted for three days, which I've done before so it's pretty easy. Then I've been restricting. Maybe fast for a day, then more restricting.no a good idea. i know

(yes, i know, not a healthy mindset at all)

I get kind of sad sometimes when I watch other people. I've had to put my little brother on a diet. He's 15 and 215 pounds....yeah he's big. His tits are as big as mine. ANYWAY he's got a limit of 2,000 calories. Isn't that sad? 2,000 is a restriction for this kid cause he eats SO freaking much. To me, I was trying to eat 1,500 to 2,000 calories and I hated myself for it every day. Even though that's how normal people eat, ugh, hate it.

Kinda wish I could go back in time and make sure that I don't go down this road, but then I wouldn't have gotten any of the good habits I've picked up. Smaller plates, almond milk, vegetarian meats, not over eating on the junk food. I was 200 lbs when I started, I'd probably be 220 by now. So yeah...anyway. Enough for now

Love you all, later