Tis the Season

That's right, the season to be mean spiteful money grubbing people! MY Christmas went fine. My FAMILIES Christmas went fine, but when it comes to my fathers family?...HA!

They didn't like what we bought for them, so we had to take the money we got from our Christmas cards, go out on Christmas day, and buy everyone new presents. You heard that right, my fathers side of the family complained so much, that we had to go out and spend all the money we'd gotten as gifts, for new presents for them.

Here's where it gets interesting.

We get to my grandparents house and low and behold, my cousins girlfriend is there!! So what does my dad do? He tells his sister that she can't have her present, then gives it to this new random girlfriend. He's as bad as the rest of his family! UGH The holidays, I can kind of stand, but HELL no do I enjoy it with my father. He freaks out over everything, spazzes out dramatically and likes to pick arguments over stupid things.

Anyway...Happy Holidays.

I got a new bra, new jammies, my first pair of uggs. Some ugly slippers that i said I loved, some makeup, perfume, gloves and................a shakeweight!! YES I was so happy, it's the only thing I actually asked for. =D

Today I'm 155. It's he goal I get for myself for Christmas. Now I want to get to 150 by My sisters birthday on January 18th. Wish my luck. <3

New stuff

Okay so, it's almost Christmas! merry Christmas people, how is everyone?! =)

Mkay, some new stuff. I'm 156 lbs right now, only 6 away from being the thinnest person in my house YAY!! I'm very happy with myself, one more pound to 40 pounds lost. I want to lose another 25-30 pounds by June, which is the same amount of time that I lost the forty pounds.Reasonable, non? <3

Another new thing, I got my paycheck, all $100 of it, LOL. Oh well, right now, I've used all 100 of it to buy my family their Christmas presents. It's a worry I'm free of now, which makes me happy again. haha.

I've started watching spricket24 on youtube because not only is she beautiful and amazingly funny, but I just like knowing about what's going on. It's kinda pathetic but oh well. She had a baby named Lulu and she's SOOO cute, so I feel like a stalker, but oh well I guess.

And new thing # 4: I realized that I'm bi...I've been fighting myself on it for years now, but fuck it. I need o be myself. Of course I wont tell my family, my mom and dad seem to...erm....greatly dislike girls who like girls, you know. SOOO only people online know, and I'm cool with that for now.

Anyway, yeah, today is a good enough day, I got new library books and I didn't eat a lot. So, hurray! Enjoy the holidays my loves. Tata

Okay, sooo

I had my first two days of work these last two days, it's been easier then I thought, but it's tough getting back out and working after not doing anything since 2008. And! I went to work, worked for five hours, didn't eat, and gained weight. It was so freaking rediculous. I'm at 159 right now. -sigh-

Anyway, there's something that's bothering me. Last night I watched "In the Womb" and made a facebook comment about how surreal it all looked and how it was like learning it all for the first time. It was just really cool. Then...my friend gets on and replies that it really is beautiful, and how nice it is that we can trust God to make something so perfect and blah blah blah. Now...I'm a Christian. i don't go to church though, because I feel that God would rather I love him from home and not in a building that I don't even want to be in. Her churchy comments always piss me off and it's like....UGH

Since i broke up with my boyfriend, it's kind of like she thinks that's a free pass to go Jesus-Freak on me, since he can't push the Jehovah's Witness thing anymore and it's just SO annoying. Everytime we go to eat, she leaves a pamphlet on the table about God. wtf!! I've been her friend since the beginning of high school. but I think if she keeps this up I'm going to have to have a talk to her about it. I can't stand being preached to, or seeing nothing but Bible verses posted on her comments or getting God chain e-mails. It's too much and to make it worse she goes to the Seventh Day Adventist church. Sorry if anyone who's reading this does, but this church up my road is NUTS.  They MADE her give them 20% of her graduation money....like seriously. They kept asking her about when she would give it to them. That was like 50 bucks! And she can't go to anyone's house in Friday night or during the day on Saturday, because it's her sabbath. And now they have her thinking that ANY thing that can take her mind off of God is Satan's doing. Not listening to Christian music in the car? Satan. Going out during the sabbath or (god forbid, ugh) cleaning or working or any of that stuff, Satan. Letting people talk you into having a drink when you're hanging with your girls, Satan. So yeah, she's just....-deep sigh-

And to top it off, she's been sheltered all her life. So her, her mom, and her brother don't even say crap, they don't have piercing anywhere and talking about the human body or sex?! -GASP- that's a big big no no. I have to tone myself down every time I go to her house, which I avoid now for that very reason.

anyway..that's my rant. I still feel more hate towards her coming up, but I'll stop for now. Bye bye.

waiting.

I'm waiting for my boss to open the cafe for the first time. He said I might work 30 hours a week for the first few weeks, that's 30 hours not on my fat all burning calories. I want that so bad. And the money to buy christmas presents. ...short post, nothing else is going on lol.

Bipolar?......posts that is. ;)

I feel like my updates swing back and forth between happy and depressed, lol, jeez, how ridiculous huh? Following this trend, thodays post is a happy one.

Yes Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
Yes, I'm still a huge cow.
And Yes, My boss still hasn't opened his new cafe for us to work at.

~*~BUT~*~

I don't have to eat the dinner, only the salad.
I'm less huge than I was yesterday because as of today, I'm at my lowest ever, 159 lbs. EPIC WOO
And....meh can't do anything about that, lol.

Today's been pretty good to be honest, as you can tell. Rounding up, I'm going to guess I've had 500 calories today, which makes me happy. =) and I got sugar free jello to have for dessert tomorrow while all the fatties in my family eat pie.

Holy f@#%

.....................I...don't even know what to do right now. I just made myself purge, it's the first time I've ever done it, and I never want to do it again, but I didn't even stop to think about it. I'm home alone and I ate an entire bag of cheddar chips....I freaked out and didn't even think about it..I just went to the bathroom and threw it all up. I never ever want to do it again. Ever. It made me cry and cough and it was just horrible, fmlfmlfml

...ugh

I tell you one thing, I'm so tired of living with people. With the exception of my sister. My mom drinks non-stop when she's home, then get's angry with everyone and everything around her. One comment from my sister has her exploding and going off onto every different topic, even if it's not really connected to the original argument. It's just...getting so damn old.


By my calculations, with my new job I'm going to be working around 30 hours each week for a few months. The place is going to open next week, in a town with no other burger shops...so yeah, it's gunna be busy for a while. I'll be making 8 bucks an hour, so for one week, after taxes, I'll round it down to 220. 220 a week, around four weeks a month, 880 a month. Taking out gas and a few expenses, since everything else is paid for, I'll save about 600 a month. Keep that up for three months and I'll have 1,800 dollars in my savings account. After that, it'll slow down, but after I get my license, I'm going to continue saving until I have around three grand, then start looking for places to live up here...


Now...that's not easy. =/ There's no apartments where I live, only rooms or small houses for rent, so...yeah >.< I'm hoping that maybe in a year or two I'll be moved to full time and not part time, then I'll work around 6-8 hours a day and five days a week. Yay. and a raise of course. =) until then...oh look, my mother just tried to break the computer table and is now ranting again... -sigh- Wishful thinking...


on an upside, I'm 160.4, lowest yet...that and my new job is all the good news I have. bye

What's this? A happy post? OMG

I did my second interview for the cafe up the hill, if I got the job the guy will call me by tomorrow. God, I'm excited but nervous at the same time haha. Finally, something that will keep me up and active for at least four hours a day, I can feel the weight dropping off of my bones. ^.^

And i got on my scale today, it's an all time low, 162.0 on the dot. I'm gunna try to fast today, or if not fast, then at least stay under 200 and go out for a long walk. =) Things are looking up.

It's over

I'm sorry there haven't been many happy additions to his blog, depending on your view point this might be one...

Today I broke up with my boyfriend of almost seven months. You see...yesterday i told him that i don't feel comfortable with the "Door -to- Door" preaching thing that he was other Jehovah's Witnesses do...He told me that with more study I would be. I said...no...I am not going to go to peoples houses. It ranks on my comfort scale with KKK rally's. He told me that not doing it wasn't an option, that I needed to be molded a little more and expect to change.

I then told him that I didn't feel loved at the moment, since he was so intent on changing who I am. I was already leaving my country, family, friends and my holidays/birthdays for him...I guess it wasn't enough.

He apologized, but didn't compromise on the situation.

We said our good nights and I didn't sleep, thinking about everything in our relationship, start to current. And I came to a conclusion. When he got online today, I asked him a yes or no question. "Is going door to door mandatory?"

He said yes.

So, for once I finally stood up for myself. I said that he and I had a problem. After almost an hour of talking it over, I declared our relationship done with, and he got offline and didn't return. I'm a little sad about it when I think of all of our plans...but I can make new plans. Plans with a man who doesn't want to change me the instant we start dating. A man who actually wants children, who weighs more than I do, who I can make new inside jokes with and be myself with. Someone from America like me, living in the country like I do. Not a city boy who'se line of work means we'd have to live in the middle of a city by an airport.

It's a beginning for me, but for now...I'm just going to concentrate on getting the job I applied for and begin saving up money.

Another up note, after I broke up with him around 11 am, i didn't eat anything for around 6 hours, then only had 300 calories. And I rearranged the living room. I'm hopeful for the scale tomorrow.

Tired of this shit.

Ok, well good news and bad news I suppose. The good news is after almost two weeks of siting in an uncomfortably computer chair at my mothers desktop where people could see anything and everything that I happened to be doing, I have my laptop back. You see, I woke up one morning and my mother was using it and GUESS WHAT?! It was broken. So she called my ex boyfriend, who was a total computer nerd, and he took it away to try and fix it. In the end, it wasn't even him who fixed it, but some random kid I don't even know.

Ah well. At least my laptop is home safe and sound with mama.

Okay, now for my shitty ass bad news.

Over the past week or so, while my computer was gone, I've binged like no other. I was finally down to 162!!! I was SO close to getting into the 50's. But nope....for some reason I got up, went to the kitchen, and found bags of chips, pop tarts, and fucking top ramen. I've ballooned back up to 166. I've been between 163 and 166 for a month or so now and I'm fucking tired of it. Today, I'm fasting, and I'll see if I can keep it up tomorrow. But i'm so done snacking. You know what I say to you, junk foods? FUCK you. (sorry for all the foul language, i'm so irritated right now.)

OH OH and get this. Mother nature thinks it's funny to throw my period at me now. Bloating, aint that just wonderful?! fml, right girls?

-sigh-

Anyway, I wont eat. I wont eat, there's no reason too and my body loves that empty feeling. Wish my luck, lovelies. Ta.

It was a sign.

Okay. Well, today, I had my entire day planned out. Sleep till noon, wake up, 2 hours of Pilates, half a banana, internet time. 20 calorie cocoa in a few hours. Crunches, some chicken broth, more internet time/reading books. Then some veggie nuggets and baked apple slices.

WELL This morning, my stupid friends called me and told me we're going out.

Me: ...fml

Anywhoo. I shower, go out, and when we're in Denny's I mooch off my friend. One scrambled egg white, one slice of turkey bacon and a whole wheat pancake.. I'm staring at the dreaded pancake. (it's a lot for only one meal, ugh >.>) Then suddenly, this really fat woman walked in. Like, she was obese. So I was staring at her, then from around her steps this really skinny beautiful woman.

Long story short, I ate 1/4 of my pancake and was glad that it wasn't more. =)

Not too bad.

I did my job interview, the guy liked that I worked at Disney World, so he'll call sometime this month if I get the job. My weight shot up 5 lbs. I'm back down to where I was though, finally. I'm heading to town tomorrow, planning on walking a lot so I'm happy with that. Sorry for the crappy entry, I'm so tired.

New way to lose

For me at least. I'm going to put in an application at a new cafe opening up in town. If I get the job, I'll finally have something to do on my feet all day. Constant work, little food. During my breaks, I'll walk the parkinglot. It's one of the main reasons i'm dying to get a job, tha, and money, -shrug- Anyway, cross your fingers that I get it, lovies. Kiss kiss!

Late

My laptop took a shit. ugh, this is why I havent been on in a while to update.

To the person who commented on my last post, thank you. -hugs- I know that it should be a two way thing, and we're working things out now.

Anyway. Yeah, my computer's dead. But hey, I can fit into my little sisters jeans which rocks. I'm 163 now, I'm dying to get down into the 150's though, grrr. Lol.

~*~ How am I supposed to feel? ~*~

My boyfriend spoke to his mother today, about something she made him promise to not talk to me about. As she put it, I'm not important enough to be in on any choices until there's a ring on my finger. Buy from what he hinted, she wants him to move to Ontario Canada...I'm already moving up to Canada for him....giving up my religion for him, my holidays for him, my family and friends for him...and now his mother wants him to move out to Eastern Canada...which would take me even farther from everything I've ever known.

I...just.... I don't know.... =( Today is our six month anniversary, and I know he's really torn about this. He doesn't want to hurt me, but there's more to the story that he can't tell me....I just...don't think he's looking at it from my point of view. I'm actually really unhappy with this...i just....i don't know. It's not the long distance relationship that's hard, it's the planning for the future.

I grew up planning out family Thanksgivings, epic Halloween parties, cozy Christmas Mornings and kids Birthday parties....I don't get any of that if we get married because of his religion. I mean...I know that it's not the end of the world, just means we can plan new reasons to have parties and fun stuff, so it wont be a holiday obligation, but it feel like I'm losing out. it's depressing me and his crazy mother isn't helping...I just needed to get this out, no one I know could listen without telling me to drop him like a hot potato. I love him, so I can't.

And from my eyes, fall the seas of death and dispare

I got home from the store, and was happy about what I got for myself, some low cal, rice noodles, some lax....then i get a call. It's my friend Krystle. Our friend Kim is in no shape to make calls. Krystle asks me if I'e talked to Kim recently. When I say no, she said that Kim won't be coming to a sleep over we three had been planning with a fourth friend. I asked why...

Kims dad just died.

I knew her dad, he was always nice to me. And Kim was his little girl. She was a daddy's girl. I don't know how he died, but I just know that I'm only feeling a fraction of her hurt, and it's horrible.

Wannarexic is an ugly term, however...

First off, I want to thank AliceInReality and DamnPrecious, your comments made my mood lift a bit, so thank you both, you’re sweethearts. <3

Anyway, back to the blog.

I...am SO sick and tired of seeing little girls, fresh in highschool, asking for tips and tricks on losing weight. What makes me even angrier is when OTHER new members (this is on PrettyThin) GIVE them those tips and tricks instead of listening to the rules. And where's the older members? Trying to stay out of it all. I tried speaking up once, and I got yelled at. 

It's just....ARG!!!! If you're not already sick, stay off Ed sites, don't get sucked in, stop trying to take the "easy" (yeah right) way out cause you don't want to run. RIGHT I got sucked in, I do 500 crunches a fucking day now. I HATE crunches, but I do them because I'm scared not to. I run because I'm scared not to. And now I'm surrounded by little 14 year olds who want to lose a little weight before their first high school dance. It's very frustrating. 

What's worse is you know they wont listen if you warn them away. They'll just keep ruining their bodys, not caring. nfgoefhbgdjghnd;fjhgb;dfjgh it makes me so mad!!!

Sorry, no weight update on this one, too scared to get on my scale. Keep it real.

FML

Woke up today. I sat up, about to head to the shower, and my sister comes in, takes clothes and gets in the shower first. 45 minutes I waited. When she was done, there was no more hot water.

Scale read 167.4. I gained nearly a pound.

Found out my dog ate one of my favorite earrings.

Today....is really....REALLY not my day. I would sleep it away, but my sister is now in our room watching TV and eating something.

Like the title says..FML

Mornings!

I caved yesterday and ate a slice of Zucchini bread. 190 calories. So I didn't fret about it. I did do 500 crunches though. I had to.

TMI ALERT

I think it was just what I needed to love more weight, because I finally pooped more than little rabbit turds. This morning, when I stepped on the scale, I had skipped 167 completely and had gone down to 166.6 (evil number, yay) Haha, anyway, I'm just in a generally good mood today, cleaned the house, did my hair, so on and so forth. It's just been great.

So yeah, just wanted to say my weight is skipping down and it's making me happy. =)

So tired.

The title says it all. I'm tired, so so tired.

The past two nights I got 5 hours sleep. Today I was supposed to fast, but my dad brought home a slice of zucchini bread. I couldn't resist. 190 calories. Then my sister baked cookies and a few were still gooey on the tray...85 calories 275 calories for today, give or take a few because I jumped all over some exercises.

I hate this. I could just curl up and fall asleep, but it's only 8:16, that's a ridiculous time to sleep. If i nap, I wont be able to sleep later tonight. Why why?

My eyes are weighed down with elephants just like me. Every time I stand up, I almost fall and my vision blacks out for a few seconds. It's the blood rushing to my head because I'm lacking everything I'm not supposed to lack. Even though I hate that I've eaten, now it's easier to stand up without the head rush.

GOD I'm so tired. I don't think I've ever been this tired...and all after I ate the food. Maybe that has something to do with it too? I've heard some people get sleepy after they eat.

I had to stop reading my book, the words were blending together, kinda like the words on this screen are right now. They want me to sleep. I say no. I will do 200 crunches first. Then consider sleeping...maybe.

Until the next post lovies. Bye.

Dawn

It's early...for me...to be awake. I got up at seven today, and did an hour of light housework. -192 calories. That's the reason I don't complain anymore when I have to clean. I picked up trash, rearranged the pots and pans, took off and re-fixed the covers on the couch and did the dishes.

A coffee stain formed a heart in the sink. Ironic

Today I'm 168.4. I'm in a good mood for it. Losing does that to me. I want to be at 165 by next week.

Last night my boyfriend had me worried. I hadn't eaten all day, but I refuse to lie to him. So when he asked if I've had dinner, I avoid the question. Dead giveaway. He asked if I had lunch or breakfast and I get a little sheepish. Admit that i haven't. He told me to go eat something. Like I said, I don't lie to Colin. I went to the bathroom with a granola bar and squatted over the toilet (it burns more calories than sitting on the ground in front of it). Chew chew chew........spit. I didn't swallow a bite, then came back to my computer and told him that I shoved a granola bar in my mouth and how yummy it was. Again, I didn't lie. He was happy and let it go that I hadn't eaten...until...

Before he went to bed he admitted that he was getting worried that I seemed to not eat some days. He told me that he's hoping it isn't how I'm losing this weight and how he's nervous I'll pass out or something...i felt so guilty...As guilty as I get when I have chips. =( He cares a lot I know...and I'm glad he does, but sometimes I wish he'd stop asking about it so he would stop worrying about me.

Anyway, that was last night. So far today, nothing too exciting has happened. If it does, I'll add a new post. Peace.

Food.

I am 169.4 lbs. This morning I was 167.6. I didn't eat or drink anything.

My mother is going to be gone until Friday, off doing something fun by the coast. I stay with the dogs, with my hunger pains. But I'm not sad, oh no, I'm excited. I can not eat until Saturday now, and nobody is going to know.

Daddy works, and my brother and sister wont be home from school each day until four. Then my sister vanishes to her room and daddy goes into his. Nobody will notice that I'm not eating while mom is away. For that, I'm excited. It's all a test of will power. I'm going to be the one who is cooking for the rest. Tonight is giant frozen pizza, with processed cheese and three kinds of genetically altered meats. The grease will pool in the centers of the pepperoni and the bottom of the crust will burn a bit. It will smell so damn good and taste even better  be disgusting. It isn't natural, or pure. It will not enter my body and ruin my efforts.

Tomorrow is hot dogs. I have no problem avoiding hot dogs, I've seen how they are made. 1 like of meat custard in a condom please, thanks. No thanks. Tomorrow I will eat my 2 gummy vitamins and drink my water and play with my dogs and read "Wintergirls" and be happy while I watch the scale go down and down.

This is my blog post, but I doubt anyone reads them. Good night.

So...

Well, I'm here I guess. This might be a good thing for me, a healthy thing...I've never really tried anything like this before, but I need a vent...so I repeat, this might be good.

Okay...Let's see. Hi. My name is Bobbi, I live in California, I'm 21 and I'm a loser. Literally. I don't have my license yet because I was dug into a hole in my teens by my parents. I dropped out of college and can't find a job because of my lack of transportation. No, I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains and I will have tourists hitting me with their cars on the way up the mountain. So, for now, I'm stuck like I am.

I also have an ED. Ednos with a tenancy towards anorexia. Why only ednos? Because I am too fat to be in that category. 169 pounds in fact. I used to be 220 pounds, so I guess losing this much is good, but I'm still huge, and I still hate myself for it. I'm about 5'10" tall, so I can't shoot for the weight I want. Instead I'm going to try to be happy with 125lbs. That way, I will weigh less than my boyfriend, who is 130lbs and people still wont worry. I'm hopeful that I'll be close to that goal come next June, which is mine and his birthdays.

That's right. His is the 9th, mine is the 10th. Same year and everything. Neat fact, huh?

Anyway. -sigh- Yeah...this is blog post #1. I'll update it when I can. later.

oh, btw, I'm at 300 calories for the whole day. Pretty good I guess.