Thursday, December 29, 2011

A sign

Swore I'd fast today. Lied, made a biscuit and honey, then ended up dropping it on the floor. I was pissed, but happy at the same time. I hate this. I just want to be normal.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

='(

Well...after thinking about selling my iPod, laptop, my great grandmothers pearls and my grandmothers ring...i settled on crying in the bathroom for a few minutes.
I hate Christmas, it's not just the presents, but it's the fact that there's bills too. And only one car that works because the other one broke down and needs to be fixed. We have more shopping to do and only 200 dollars to last until next pay day...which we don't know when that will be, around new years maybe. 
Did the mention the bills? I don't know what to do. It's not even MY money, it's my dad's check, I can't contribute anything and mom wants to buy me presents, but we don't have the money. And there's the broken van...and..just.. yeah. I'm gonna go cry again. Now i know why this holiday has such a high suicide rate. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Is it 2012 yet? I want the world to end please.

My dad just reminded me what the true meaning of Christmas was. Yup, after mom spent all day in town fighting crowds and stuff to buy presents. She comes home and hides them, then helped my make dinner.


Dad strolled in from the bedroom and starts going: "You didn't get enough presents, we're going to have a sucky Christmas" ... "There's only like five things! Why didn't you get like... a shopping cart full?" ... "This is going to be such a disappointing Christmas" 

Yup. Just like I thought. Xmas is a stupid holiday that makes people into selfish unhappy lumps. Not just my dad...EVERYONE! My family has NO money, we're impoverished! We can't afford milk sometimes, yet my little brother keeps whining about wanting an xbox 360, and a bunch of ps3 games.
Oh, this just in: I just heard my folks talking in the living room and mom said something about a present for me and dad goes: "Don't worry about her, she doesn't care, she's our good kid" Okay...great..whatever. Then mom said something about my little sister and he said the same thing...Hello. My sister is 17, she still expects a present or two under the tree. It's not all about the little fatasss that you all claim is my baby brother. (he's 14 and over 200 pounds). But apparently dad thinks that the majority of the money spent should be on him. Screw my sister apparently. Whatever. I'm going to get a gift card from my grandma (maybe) if I do, I'll buy Stephanie some more things so she wont feel left out. And my mom too, she never gets anything because dad doesn't go Christmas shopping. Hopefully there's enough to get them both something. I already got them both presents...but I could only afford one each. Oh well I guess. It'll be over soon.

It's just people like my dad who claim the whole day is ruined if there's not a billion gifts under the tree....it sucks all the holiday spirit out of me and leaves me bitter and unhappy. =(

Merry freaking Christmas. Happy god damn new year, hopefully the world explodes before I have to deal with this holiday again.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Awkward moments.

I hate going to a party, thinking a bunch of your friend will be there, and then you find out it's just going to be a bunch of people you don't know because all of your friends can't go after all. >.> it's like middle school all over again.
My friend invited me to her birthday party. (which she postponed so everyone could get time off work and come) And the three friends that she and I had in common suddenly can't go. They never asked for time off. Great. There's going to be 4 people there staying the night I don't know and one I do know but can. not. stand. I have a feeling...this is going to royally suck asshole.

The only good news is there's more people to eat all of the food instead of me.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Restraint

Yesterday I had about 450 calories. Then around midnight I had half of a muffin. This morning My scale said I lost a pound so no regrets.
Today mom walked in with half a bag of cheddar sun chips. I was like O.O Whyy?! I haven't touched them though, so that's good. And now mom wants me to eat some crab cakes she made...with mayo. That she also fried. -sigh- I'm going to take three of my metabolism/diet pills before hand, I mean so far today I'm at 0 calories so I should be fine.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

At least it's something.

I'm at 165, haven't been there in a month, so It's something. only 10 more pounds until I'm where I was at my low