Bipolar?......posts that is. ;)

I feel like my updates swing back and forth between happy and depressed, lol, jeez, how ridiculous huh? Following this trend, thodays post is a happy one.

Yes Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
Yes, I'm still a huge cow.
And Yes, My boss still hasn't opened his new cafe for us to work at.

~*~BUT~*~

I don't have to eat the dinner, only the salad.
I'm less huge than I was yesterday because as of today, I'm at my lowest ever, 159 lbs. EPIC WOO
And....meh can't do anything about that, lol.

Today's been pretty good to be honest, as you can tell. Rounding up, I'm going to guess I've had 500 calories today, which makes me happy. =) and I got sugar free jello to have for dessert tomorrow while all the fatties in my family eat pie.

Holy f@#%

.....................I...don't even know what to do right now. I just made myself purge, it's the first time I've ever done it, and I never want to do it again, but I didn't even stop to think about it. I'm home alone and I ate an entire bag of cheddar chips....I freaked out and didn't even think about it..I just went to the bathroom and threw it all up. I never ever want to do it again. Ever. It made me cry and cough and it was just horrible, fmlfmlfml

...ugh

I tell you one thing, I'm so tired of living with people. With the exception of my sister. My mom drinks non-stop when she's home, then get's angry with everyone and everything around her. One comment from my sister has her exploding and going off onto every different topic, even if it's not really connected to the original argument. It's just...getting so damn old.


By my calculations, with my new job I'm going to be working around 30 hours each week for a few months. The place is going to open next week, in a town with no other burger shops...so yeah, it's gunna be busy for a while. I'll be making 8 bucks an hour, so for one week, after taxes, I'll round it down to 220. 220 a week, around four weeks a month, 880 a month. Taking out gas and a few expenses, since everything else is paid for, I'll save about 600 a month. Keep that up for three months and I'll have 1,800 dollars in my savings account. After that, it'll slow down, but after I get my license, I'm going to continue saving until I have around three grand, then start looking for places to live up here...


Now...that's not easy. =/ There's no apartments where I live, only rooms or small houses for rent, so...yeah >.< I'm hoping that maybe in a year or two I'll be moved to full time and not part time, then I'll work around 6-8 hours a day and five days a week. Yay. and a raise of course. =) until then...oh look, my mother just tried to break the computer table and is now ranting again... -sigh- Wishful thinking...


on an upside, I'm 160.4, lowest yet...that and my new job is all the good news I have. bye

What's this? A happy post? OMG

I did my second interview for the cafe up the hill, if I got the job the guy will call me by tomorrow. God, I'm excited but nervous at the same time haha. Finally, something that will keep me up and active for at least four hours a day, I can feel the weight dropping off of my bones. ^.^

And i got on my scale today, it's an all time low, 162.0 on the dot. I'm gunna try to fast today, or if not fast, then at least stay under 200 and go out for a long walk. =) Things are looking up.

It's over

I'm sorry there haven't been many happy additions to his blog, depending on your view point this might be one...

Today I broke up with my boyfriend of almost seven months. You see...yesterday i told him that i don't feel comfortable with the "Door -to- Door" preaching thing that he was other Jehovah's Witnesses do...He told me that with more study I would be. I said...no...I am not going to go to peoples houses. It ranks on my comfort scale with KKK rally's. He told me that not doing it wasn't an option, that I needed to be molded a little more and expect to change.

I then told him that I didn't feel loved at the moment, since he was so intent on changing who I am. I was already leaving my country, family, friends and my holidays/birthdays for him...I guess it wasn't enough.

He apologized, but didn't compromise on the situation.

We said our good nights and I didn't sleep, thinking about everything in our relationship, start to current. And I came to a conclusion. When he got online today, I asked him a yes or no question. "Is going door to door mandatory?"

He said yes.

So, for once I finally stood up for myself. I said that he and I had a problem. After almost an hour of talking it over, I declared our relationship done with, and he got offline and didn't return. I'm a little sad about it when I think of all of our plans...but I can make new plans. Plans with a man who doesn't want to change me the instant we start dating. A man who actually wants children, who weighs more than I do, who I can make new inside jokes with and be myself with. Someone from America like me, living in the country like I do. Not a city boy who'se line of work means we'd have to live in the middle of a city by an airport.

It's a beginning for me, but for now...I'm just going to concentrate on getting the job I applied for and begin saving up money.

Another up note, after I broke up with him around 11 am, i didn't eat anything for around 6 hours, then only had 300 calories. And I rearranged the living room. I'm hopeful for the scale tomorrow.

Tired of this shit.

Ok, well good news and bad news I suppose. The good news is after almost two weeks of siting in an uncomfortably computer chair at my mothers desktop where people could see anything and everything that I happened to be doing, I have my laptop back. You see, I woke up one morning and my mother was using it and GUESS WHAT?! It was broken. So she called my ex boyfriend, who was a total computer nerd, and he took it away to try and fix it. In the end, it wasn't even him who fixed it, but some random kid I don't even know.

Ah well. At least my laptop is home safe and sound with mama.

Okay, now for my shitty ass bad news.

Over the past week or so, while my computer was gone, I've binged like no other. I was finally down to 162!!! I was SO close to getting into the 50's. But nope....for some reason I got up, went to the kitchen, and found bags of chips, pop tarts, and fucking top ramen. I've ballooned back up to 166. I've been between 163 and 166 for a month or so now and I'm fucking tired of it. Today, I'm fasting, and I'll see if I can keep it up tomorrow. But i'm so done snacking. You know what I say to you, junk foods? FUCK you. (sorry for all the foul language, i'm so irritated right now.)

OH OH and get this. Mother nature thinks it's funny to throw my period at me now. Bloating, aint that just wonderful?! fml, right girls?

-sigh-

Anyway, I wont eat. I wont eat, there's no reason too and my body loves that empty feeling. Wish my luck, lovelies. Ta.

It was a sign.

Okay. Well, today, I had my entire day planned out. Sleep till noon, wake up, 2 hours of Pilates, half a banana, internet time. 20 calorie cocoa in a few hours. Crunches, some chicken broth, more internet time/reading books. Then some veggie nuggets and baked apple slices.

WELL This morning, my stupid friends called me and told me we're going out.

Me: ...fml

Anywhoo. I shower, go out, and when we're in Denny's I mooch off my friend. One scrambled egg white, one slice of turkey bacon and a whole wheat pancake.. I'm staring at the dreaded pancake. (it's a lot for only one meal, ugh >.>) Then suddenly, this really fat woman walked in. Like, she was obese. So I was staring at her, then from around her steps this really skinny beautiful woman.

Long story short, I ate 1/4 of my pancake and was glad that it wasn't more. =)

Not too bad.

I did my job interview, the guy liked that I worked at Disney World, so he'll call sometime this month if I get the job. My weight shot up 5 lbs. I'm back down to where I was though, finally. I'm heading to town tomorrow, planning on walking a lot so I'm happy with that. Sorry for the crappy entry, I'm so tired.