ednos blows

So hey guys. Do you ever remember a time when things just weren't going your way? like, you were trying to change them, and it didn't work. But then slowly, over time, it became the way you wanted it and you were happy?

Well I don't. Because it hasn't fucking happened yet.

Fuck. I have NEVER felt this conflicted in my life. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to suck it up and to not restrict to lose weight, because it seriously fucked me up. At night, I'll lay in bed thinking "Hey, I'll fast for a few days" Then I wake up and I'm life "Nah, fasting isn't healthy. Tie to just eat right!" But then through the day I've only had 1,000 calories an I end up feeling guilty for fucking eating.

What normal person feels guilty for doing something nessassary for survival? Fuck....this is fucked.

fuck fuck fuck....cussing helps me feel better, deal with it.

Okay so... -deep breath- Let's think about this. I, in my youthful exuberence, thought "I'll starve for a bit to lose weight then stop. It's only girls with anorexia who don't stop"

Then I lost 45 pounds and was like "Hey, that was easy. I'll lose ten more"

then BAM 20 pound weight gain for the chubber!! Then, on top of starving, I ate because I felt guilty for gaining weight and it was only THEN that I realized how fucked I was.

Underweight girls are "Anorexic"

Normal weight girls who vomit are "Bulimic"

Overweight girls who eat a lot are  "Binge Eaters"

...then there's girls like me. A mixture of two or three of those things at a time. A girl too fat to me anorexic. Who doesn't vomit enough to be bulimic, and who restricts too many days out of the month to be a binge eater.

I knew a long time ago ehat I was just classifies as EDNOS "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" But it took a while (aka just recently) For me to really grasp how deep that goes. It doesn't mean I'm separate from those girls. That I'm different from them.

I AM THEM. And it fucking sucks. Normal girls don't think 1000 calories is a binge. Normal girls don't burn 200 calories and STILL think 800 calories is too much.

This was just a rant guys, sorry. It just...bugs me. I'm in a hole and I can't get out even if I pretend otherwise.