So, I woke up today to the sounds of my parents arguing. It's what I usually wake up to, anyway. It was something about my brother now showing after he woke up (he has the worst B.O. ever) Dad wanted him to take one, mom wanted dad to quit "lowering his self esteem" or some other bull shit. I swear to God, she sticks up for that kid more than she needs to. She sees all these stories about bullied kids who kill themselves and is just SURE that if we talk bad about precious little David that he'll do something drastic. wtf ever.
But I digress.
Anyway, I woke up to that loveliness, then before my dad leaves, he makes sure to comment on how my mom doesn't have a job. She hasn't had one for like... 14 years now. (she says it's because no one hiring but she just stopped looking) So yeah, he throws that in there, then leaves. And I'm laying in bed thinking "He's talking about you too Bobbi. He thinks you're a freeloader, which you are"
It's not a pleasant thought, but I keep thinking it. I'm 23, no licence, no car insurance or tags for "my" car and no job. I can't walk to work because I live in the mountains, everything is too far away. So yeah, I'm living here, rent free, jobless, mooching off my parents like a parasite. You may be wondering "How the hell doesn't she have a licence?" Well, my mom never taught me to drive. She refuses to let people drive her around, she has major control issues. She didn't take me to get my permit until I was 19 after I got home from a 5 month job in Florida. But after I got my permit, she didn't let me drive more than maybe twice. I had to pay for an instructor to teach me how to drive in the city with the money I brought back from Florida, but I only had enough for one session. So yeah. I'm 23 now. Dad's gone all day so he can't help, "my" car isn't qualified to drive on the road. And my moms car doesn't have full coverage (so she says) so no one else but her and my dad can drive it. THAT is why my 18 year old sister and I are both without out licence.
Oh, speaking of my little sister? Her boyfriend is going to propose to her on Christmas. Just one more person I need to add to my growing list of people better than me.
Everyone I know is either married or has a child. And everyone I know either has a job or is going to school. I'm the only one who is none of the above. I'm what's wrong with society when you think about it. Hell, I don't even have health insurance, I have one tooth that needs a root canal and another that needs to be pulled. I haven't been to the Doctor in God knows how long. I've NEVER been to a gynecologist. I don't even qualify for that cheaper state covered shit, great huh? It doesn't really matter in regard to everything else, but it still makes me feel like shit.
So yup. I laid here, in my bed for about an hour crying and picturing my suicide at least fifty different ways. Will I go through with it? No. Because on top of my long list of faults, I'm a coward as well as a "snob" a leech and a lazy hobo squatter.
So if anyone reads this, don't worry you didn't read a suicide letter, You just read the ramblings of another person in this world who never really mattered.
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