Setbacks

Years ago, when i began over eating, then just a few years ago with it drastically flipped to hardly eating anything, I never really thought about the difficulties in...being normal again.

I would watch dozens of eating disorder / diet / obesity / and food documentaries online, and there was always someone who was trying to recover from their personal eating issues. I would think, pft. Come on, get over it already. You want to be healthy, so be healthy. Can't be that hard you know? Now that I'm living it, I totally get it. Binge eating, restricting, it's not something you can just vanquish over night.

Yesterday I ate so much that I didn't bother adding it all into the My Fitness Pal account I made. I don't even have friends on it, but I just didn't want to see the evidence. It was really bad after everyone went to sleep. Or did it? I don't even remember the calorie amount, because of how messed up my sense of normalcy is, It probably was just 2000 calories. That's NORMAL. But then again, it could have been 3 or 4000, I didn't count.

But that was yesterday. I'm over it. Decided to start new today and just put that behind me. Well fuck my life because it's 5:15 pm (17:15) and I've only had less than 250 calories. Around noon i had a bowl of cereal. That was it.

So yeah.. I'm starting to realize that keeping your mindset focused on "healthy" is really hard when you've dealt with such a warped sense of self for so long. I'm going to go find something to eat right now... then have dinner in a few hours. Since I stay up till 3 AM usually, I'll eat something else around 10 tonight too. Maybe that'll make up the calorie difference.